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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 10-22-2012, 04:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
WD is being blunt and honest. Costs are something that all litigants need to be aware of and REQUEST of the court. Lawyers always forget for some reason. So even if you have a lawyer make sure you over communicate that you are seeking your costs and that a formal request for the costs be made.
do you know how many times I forgot about that cost at the end? Even I always put it on papers but I keep forgetting to ask it at the end when it should be asked... I am thinking to write something on my hand next time
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Old 10-22-2012, 04:56 PM
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Originally Posted by WorkingDAD View Post
do you know how many times I forgot about that cost at the end? Even I always put it on papers but I keep forgetting to ask it at the end when it should be asked... I am thinking to write something on my hand next time
Good idea!
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Old 10-22-2012, 06:15 PM
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The article by Bill Eddy on "Negotiation" is actually very helpful. Thank you Baldclub for sharing this. I have to start focusing on what "I" can do instead of focusing on what he is doing or not doing. A good starting point is "listening" to his concerns. He may not express them well but I am going to have take them on board in any response to his position. In the end, it will be far better that these concerns are recognized and addressed by me before he even stands up and starts his "poor me" card.
Exactly. Ask yourself "what is the other party really saying" but keep focused on your goals, and the children.
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Old 10-22-2012, 07:33 PM
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do you know how many times I forgot about that cost at the end? Even I always put it on papers but I keep forgetting to ask it at the end when it should be asked... I am thinking to write something on my hand next time
With regards to your matters a tattoo may be more appropriate. Something across your forearm to "always and forever" remember to ask for costs?

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Old 10-22-2012, 08:24 PM
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I was reading a while ago some articles by William A. ("Bill") Eddy, a cofounder and president of the High Conflict Institute in San Diego, California. One article where he talks about negotiation may help you: here
I like this article, but it lacks one category.

Win/Win is the category of Collaboration. This is two people working together, realizing that splitting the "pie" in half is not going to allow either to get by, much less get what they want. It means coming up with ways to make the pie bigger. Most obviously financially, like paying down debt so there is more in the pot, or finishing an education. It can also work with time if both are flexible and creative. One parent caring for the child days, the other evenings, without either being threatened about levels of custody.

Win/Lose is the category of Competition. I get what I want and your needs don't matter. Generally every OPENING round of negotiation has to start this way. Being fair to the other person also means being clear about what we need and what we want. We don't have to stay in competitive mode, but the there actually can't be a true collaboration unless each side understands what the other side wants and why.

What Eddy fails to identify is the Lose/Lose. This is often misinterpreted, and it is really the category of Compromise. When we compromise, we are giving up at least some of what we asked for in Competition, and so too is the other party. Compromise is often mistaken for a good thing; it isn't always. It isn't always a workable solution, it can lead to neither side having a sustainable situation, and that can mean that conflict isn't resolved, it is just postponed. That being said, if parties can compromise and walk away and rebuild their own situations, it can be the better solution.

I do like much of what Eddy says in this article, but if you leave the Lose/Lose out of it, it ignores a lot actual practical solutions.

"Losing ain't no crime, but I won't mind, to win sometimes." - Ron Sexsmith
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Old 06-15-2013, 02:35 PM
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thank goodness for this site Reading posts reminds me how to reorganize my thinking. The ex settlement offer, in addition to mathematical errors,didn't recognize that I even existed or that one issue from my side wAS even considered. i am so fascinated that his lawyer didn't say---- i never would have accepted this for my own client. Where is the demonstration from the lawyer that to negotiate you have to consider at least one concern. Isn't that what good faith bargaining is about. it appears his lawyer supports his narcissism as she bank rolls the money.
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