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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 02-04-2014, 01:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
It is what it is. You cheat, lie, steal then you get what you sow in my opinion.
No. Not always.
Sometimes people cheat, lie, steal then they get away with it and then some. Meanwhile, the person who did not cheat, lie or steal pays for it all.
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Old 02-14-2014, 07:44 PM
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If you are suffering from Legal abuse, I totally understand. You might want to research Complex PTSD and Adrenal Fatigue.
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Old 03-01-2014, 01:03 AM
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Originally Posted by AnarX View Post

The reality is that in practice, we do have a fault-based system with a stacked deck. We just do not see it that way.

Every custody battle or argument in favor of spousal support or an uneven asset split is a covert fault-based application of law.
The way I understand it is this: it is not the cause (or fault) of the divorce that is relevant in court, but rather the resulting effect (usually financial) the fault has or will have on the lower-earning party?

Maybe it is biased simply because in several cases women usually earn less than their spouses, though that is changing - hopefully new laws will reflect that?
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Old 03-01-2014, 02:23 PM
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I definitely suffer from legal abuse and emotional abuse from the marriage. I hear you all, and my friends-----and we all agree the system is failing many of us. No consequence for missing information, timelines, delaying the process, lawyers (not mine in this case) who use dirty tricks. I read about my ex's lawyer, even though she won a case in court, the judge reprimanded her for not getting her fax in on time which would have resulted in no court proceeding at all. Funny, her fax was broken when she needed to send us stuff--and when she did---surprise--stuff was missing. My lawyer, too letter of the law sometimes so extra costs not needed. I think i have updated that financial at least 6 times (not including how long the original first one took to prepare) in less than 2 years. I now just found out that if there is no significant difference since your last one----you don't need to update. Well, mine was done a few months ago, and yes they are wanting to do it again. I am going to hold my ground, but somehow I get guilted/convinced it is needed. Yes, maybe it is the moon--but this is 5 years of crap. I blame the ex also---he doesn't care and doesn't monitor what his lawyer does---I can finally say I see him in the new light. I kept being empathetic to his mental illness, but when he can allow 5 years of hell to happen then he is not so sick---he is mean spirited, calculating and vengeful. As said above, I hope there is someone/thing above that is watching and what you reap you sow and he will never be at peace. I may continue to lose monetarily and emotionally---my only hope is that mine has an end after the divorce is done.
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Old 03-01-2014, 03:52 PM
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Originally Posted by mememe View Post
As said above, I hope there is someone/thing above that is watching and what you reap you sow and he will never be at peace. I may continue to lose monetarily and emotionally---my only hope is that mine has an end after the divorce is done.
I'm not brave enough to debate theology in here - but I do believe in my heart that what goes around comes around and I'm old enough to have seen this happen time and time again. Wishing that the Ex never finds peace is counter-productive - aim for your own peace of mind in knowing that you did your best to be fair ... things will get better, it just takes a heck of a long time.
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Old 03-01-2014, 06:29 PM
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For those who believe, try to find peace, forgive yourself first and pray for your enemy to find his/her own way. The way you act is like a mirror, it will be deflected towards you. I know that is very hard to wish all good to the person who made you suffer the most, but this is the key, the only one to be forgiven, believe me.

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Old 03-02-2014, 11:20 PM
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I don't spend my days thinking about wishing ill will. Negative energy is wasteful--we need to focus that energy on positive things. It really is what others say--what goes around comes around--which may sound again like wishing ill will---but again, it was what was stated above---good people trying to do the right thing don't seem to matter in the court system. Respecting people's time, money, and trying to move settlement forward in a "win win" as much as possible, doesn't seem to count. I had hoped it would count--that was what kept me going. It is disheartening to hear that none of that matters.
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Old 05-27-2014, 05:23 PM
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You know that I was so focused on staying strong for my children, my parents, my new partner, friends I didn't realize how "not strong" I was.
20 months into a separation that has devastated two great kids. NO...I did not put them in the middle...the ex has abandoned them completely, no CS no contact nothing.
I have full blown anxiety attacks when I see his name on an email, his number on my phone. I don't trust anyone, I am physically unwell, I don't sleep because I think of all the issues all the time.
Ex should be in jail....spousal assault, harrassment, sexual assault with more....much more..... in the interest of saving my my parents and children the trauma of criminal court I have forgone that side of it.
Ex now has new girl, children, house, car, but still won't let me be....won't sign his own offer to settle....ignores kids texts requests for time....
I am on the high road...but it is hard and I have never in my life had to dig this deep or employ this much self restraint to continue to be "strong"....I have damaged myself in this ....I don't have hope that this will ever be over.
I dream of it...I really do.
So I am saying that I was so shocked to discover the extreme level of emotional and psychological trauma that so many others have suffered stoically in the name of "being strong" and at the hands of our global failure of Family Law system and it's structure.
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Old 05-27-2014, 06:41 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Northern Phoenix View Post
I have full blown anxiety attacks when I see his name on an email, his number on my phone. I don't trust anyone, I am physically unwell, I don't sleep because I think of all the issues all the time.
Either we're both crazy or this is a normal reaction under the circumstances. If possible, try to get some therapy, it does help a lot ... Just knowing that we are not alone in feeling this way can make all the difference in how fast we heal from this ordeal.

I took it all the way to criminal court, STBX was found guilty and convicted. Does that bring me peace? no, only an extension on the restraining order. It was difficult to testify against a person I used to care about and it's far from over as there's still the divorce trial to go through.

Difficult as the divorce process is, the legal system treats us like numbers at a time when we already feel like $hit .... it's very dehumanizing. Hopefully there will be an alternative to family court in the future.
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Old 05-27-2014, 07:33 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
Either we're both crazy or this is a normal reaction under the circumstances. If possible, try to get some therapy, it does help a lot ... Just knowing that we are not alone in feeling this way can make all the difference in how fast we heal from this ordeal.

I took it all the way to criminal court, STBX was found guilty and convicted. Does that bring me peace? no, only an extension on the restraining order. It was difficult to testify against a person I used to care about and it's far from over as there's still the divorce trial to go through.

Difficult as the divorce process is, the legal system treats us like numbers at a time when we already feel like $hit .... it's very dehumanizing. Hopefully there will be an alternative to family court in the future.
What I've personally found - the legal system allows those that have a tendency to be over-bearing and controlling to be even more over-bearing and controlling. The courts/law/agreements can throw the power right back into the hands of the controller. They don't "have" to do what they agree to so they don't.
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