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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 02-28-2016, 08:43 AM
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Originally Posted by mafia007 View Post
I agree with this for the simple reason that I don't want her to interfere with the kids while they are with me. To keep it clear, I'll show the example by not interfering when she is spending her time with them. Fare as simple. I will discuss any topics with the children when they are with me. It's the only way I will have 100% of their attention and the confidence that their answers and wishes are 100% from them and not influenced. Same with the stuff I'll buy for them (clothes, toys, make-ups, jewelleries, accessories, gifts, ect...), they'll get it when they'll be under my parenting time and it will stay at their dad's house, their other home.

while I agree with the first part as long as you do follow the no interfering by you on her time, which includes the texting or emailing that you have been doing.

The whole stuff bought by dad stays at dads place may not fly too much. What happens if mom does the same but there are things at her place they would rather have use of? Yes you could buy the same stuff but then there is two of everything and that is a waste of money.
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Old 02-28-2016, 11:46 AM
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I think it usually works when the children are young. They do not realize that they arrive in one outfit and bring no luggage and then often leave in the same outfit. But as they get older they form attachments to clothes and also to toys. Pretty hard to be told you have to leave your favourite new toy
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Old 02-28-2016, 12:45 PM
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I think it usually works when the children are young. They do not realize that they arrive in one outfit and bring no luggage and then often leave in the same outfit. But as they get older they form attachments to clothes and also to toys. Pretty hard to be told you have to leave your favourite new toy
You just received back at Moms or Dads!
Exactly. Then the parent who tells them they cannot take the toy or whatever to the other parents home becomes the "bad parent' in the kids eyes. Kids cannot understand why they cannot take the stuff if its a gift to them or something they perceive belongs to them. They don't care what parent bought it, all the know is they like it and want access to it when at either home.
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Old 02-28-2016, 01:16 PM
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while I agree with the first part as long as you do follow the no interfering by you on her time, which includes the texting or emailing that you have been doing.
It's different at this moment. I am not texting while kids are with their mother as the interim order from the case conference only gave me supervised access that never started. After 7 months without seeing my kids, I'm hoping to reinstate unsupervised access at my home at this week motion. I've only sent two text messages to let them know I was thinking of them and was looking forward for a new reunion. Once the access is ordered, there will be no need for texting while they're with their mother. I will definitely take the time to communicate with them when they'll be under my care.

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Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
The whole stuff bought by dad stays at dads place may not fly too much. What happens if mom does the same but there are things at her place they would rather have use of? Yes you could buy the same stuff but then there is two of everything and that is a waste of money.
That's it, you just type it! I know her and I am pretty sure that she wont share any of the stuff she will buy for them. She tends to keep everything (hoarder) and as I'm fighting for shared custody, I am requesting that half of their toys and clothing be forwarded at my place. This will be very challenging for her as she never got rid of any clothes from the time they were babies. My youngest is D8, and then there are D13, S15 and my adopted S20, so can you imagine the number of totes we had in the storage room? When I left, I was so happy I also left all those totes behind. Expensive that is for sure but this is the reality of the divorce. Not only the court process is expensive but the after life. As the father and the money maker, I know I'll have to face it and live with it.
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Old 02-28-2016, 01:19 PM
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I wouldn't be asking for 50% of their stuff sent to your place. That is unrealistic. Over time stuff will migrate to your place and stuff will migrate to hers.
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Old 02-28-2016, 01:33 PM
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Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
Exactly. Then the parent who tells them they cannot take the toy or whatever to the other parents home becomes the "bad parent' in the kids eyes. Kids cannot understand why they cannot take the stuff if its a gift to them or something they perceive belongs to them. They don't care what parent bought it, all the know is they like it and want access to it when at either home.
Then I'll wait and see with the kids what they wish to do and I'll compromise as best to suite them. In the other hand, I know their mother wont change and will inherit the title of "bad parent" by default. I don't really care as my wish is to get my children to see the true colour and realise that I'm still the same caring and loving father I use to be, whatever they've been told recently with the situation.
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Old 02-28-2016, 01:55 PM
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Then I'll wait and see with the kids what they wish to do and I'll compromise as best to suite them. In the other hand, I know their mother wont change and will inherit the title of "bad parent" by default. I don't really care as my wish is to get my children to see the true colour and realise that I'm still the same caring and loving father I use to be, whatever they've been told recently with the situation.
now you have the right idea.
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Old 02-28-2016, 02:41 PM
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I don't think its interfering to send an email to the kids. When your kids live with the other parent more than 60% of the time you're hard pressed to be "interfering" by sending them an email or a text every other day or every few days. My partner had an extremely difficult time with his ex interfering in his time. His kids would spend one weekend every few months with him or he would spend about four to six hours with them in their city every few months. During each of these visits his ex would be calling or texting them repeatedly. What parent needs to speak to their teenage child five to six times in the span of 6-8 hours when they're with their father? One who feels it necessary to control the relationship. On the other hand he would send them emails or text messages every third to fifth night basically saying good night and I love you and get no answer for days on end. Theres a difference between casual conversation and repeated interference.

Until you get into a regular schedule with your kids you're going to run into this silence from them because their mother is controlling their interactions with you.

As for the belongings...two of them are teens. They are responsible enough to decide what goes or stays. If its clothes you're worried about then let them wear whats your house at your house and they can go home in the clothes they came in.

You're overthinking it. Get through the motion for access then worry about the rest as it comes along.
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Old 02-28-2016, 02:55 PM
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Teens would have a hard time separating their belongings into 2 piles. One for Dad's and 1 for Mom's.

It would only add to the stress. Just suggest when they come to your house they bring stuff they are going to need and when they leave let them take what they want. Eventually they will be relaxed and see that they have a home with love and acceptance at your house. They will have their own rooms and they will come,and go as they see fit.

Do not overthink or over plan it.

Make it a natural transition. A new fresh start and their choice.
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Old 02-28-2016, 03:57 PM
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Thanks to all of you for your input and advice.

All I want is the kids to feel that they are not only at the other place but HOME.
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