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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 06-03-2015, 04:43 PM
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Default It's going to be a hot summer!!

NEW STUFF: Help for response.

Regarding the issue before (sitter vs. time on weeknight)

Her note: (actual words)

Quote:
As for Wednesdays, there is no point in continuing going back and forth about it. I would rather her be with me instead of a sitter but I don't think another change in her routine is in her best interests. I know we don't see it the same way but this is just like all our issues. You say you want to co-parent and cooperate with me in a positive fashion but this is only true when you get something from the situation.

I have tried to play nice on several occasions by giving you additional time on holiday weekends, March break and have asked for nothing in return when holidays/special events have occurred on your time. I have no obligation to give you any of these things as it has not been settled as of yet but I still do as I think D4 deserves to share these times with both of us. It's unfortunate that you don't seem to reciprocate this feeling.

D4 came home exhausted as always.
To be straight, she let me pick up D4 an hour early on March Break and Easter. From what I've heard, I should have at least got a day or two .. in the least.

Also, is she not changing her routine by wanting her on Wednesdays now (as Rioe stated)? Im off work in 3 weeks.

I now see her position in court regarding holiday access. I would give her anything she wants on holiday access. Im very reasonable.

Also...Im not "playing nice" as she is. I am genuinely nice.

Things seem to be falling apart with everything. Yikes!

It's going to be a hot summer.
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Old 06-03-2015, 04:54 PM
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Hi there....in the excerpt, she comes across as a gatekeeper. "I'll rather D4 be with me"
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Old 06-03-2015, 05:10 PM
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She talks about routine.

Wednesdays .. D4 picks up D8 from school (probably her favorite thing in the world) They play in the playground, go for wagon rides, etc.
She RUNS to me when I get home from work. Huge relationship with the sitter (previous supervisor .. my stepsister) and g/f.

Thus, she's used to this routine and LOVES it on Wednesdays. Ex should stop pretending to play nice (as she calls it) and realize that she is attempting to alter the order to give me less time, her more time and that her offer is ALSO disrupting D4's routine Wednesdays.

Mr T .. remember you said she'd start messing up? Its starting. "I was trying to play nice"? Not sure she thought about that before she wrote it.

I have my parenting plan all figured out .. yes I work ... what should I do? Give her the Wednesdays, lessening my time? Showing I cant handle it ... when I can?

Shaner .. you just got here ... I suggest you start with "I need to see my daughter" thread! lol

Last edited by LovingFather32; 06-03-2015 at 05:12 PM.
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Old 06-03-2015, 06:03 PM
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Yes I agree with Shaner that she is playing gatekeeper but I think it is because she has been empowered to be the gatekeeper. WTF is with the "I gave you" bit? I think you should assert yourself here and reiterate the shared parental lingo as being in daughter's best interest. Your ex is nicely putting you as the recipient of her crumbs. Don't fall for it. I think sometime that you lose yourself trying to appear too much to be a "nice guy who is trying to negotiate things." Time for you to set her straight and remind her that the arrangement is, indeed, temporary and that she had best wrap her head around some reality of co-parenting. After all, you haven't demanded make-up time for the 5 months where you never saw your daughter. And I'd remind her that it is perfectly normal to do make-up times (perhaps she simply isn't aware of this?). Oh but I now remember that she has never attended the after divorce parenting courses has she?

Perhaps drive home the point that she is but (1) parent in the equation. She does't want to upset the apple cart but her opinion only counts for 50 out of 100. Maybe look up the definition of co-parenting (or whatever) and use it in your response.

Thanks for starting a new thread. Always easier to navigate through a shorter thread.

Last edited by arabian; 06-03-2015 at 06:09 PM. Reason: good to see a new thread from this poster
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Old 06-03-2015, 07:28 PM
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Hey Arabian ..

Oh how I'd love to remind her of the many months of access denials and how I've asked for NO make up time. But do I venture down that road? Or do I not respond?
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Old 06-03-2015, 07:41 PM
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When do you go back to court?

If anything maybe say "i took your request under advisement however i am done working for the summer in three weeks. Im sure you will agree that disrupting her schedule for three days is not in her best interest at this time. I appreciate your concern but I have not experienced any issues and I have no professional opinion telling me different.

Part of me would like you to add "perhaps this spirit of cooperation will extend to many of the other issues so we can get on with coparenting our wonderful little girl"
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Old 06-03-2015, 07:49 PM
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So remind her. What's stopping you? You don't have to go into big details but having the conversation is a pretty normal thing is it not? You can't just leave everything to your lawyer because we all know that when your lawyer gets together with her lawyer they allocate an hour or less.

I don't agree to respond to her when she talks shit to you but by the sounds of things she has raised some somewhat legit concerns (from her perspective). Might not hurt to simply remind her that you are both parents and you will be an equal part of D4's life like it or not. I'd particularly point out that she had better get over herself in allotting you time, like a gatekeeper, to see your daughter... she can do it willingly or be ordered to do so by the court, which would be yet another example of her fittering away money which could go to D4's education fund which CLEARLY IS NOT IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD.

I don't think some dialogue is harmful, rather it goes to show how unreasonable she is (assuming she doesn't respond or agree to cooperate). It's not about winning or losing it's about cooperative, healthy dialogue over your daughter.

One thing I was thinking about (and perhaps some other forum members can come up with something) is perhaps tell her you want to figure out a way to communicate with her about D4 which will keep D4's interests child-focussed. Could you suggest that every time you email each other you see if you can insert the words "we" instead of "I" in the communication? Ask if you can agree, for a trial period of 2 weeks (or whatever) that "I" will not be used in ANY communication regarding D4.

Last edited by arabian; 06-03-2015 at 07:58 PM. Reason: an idea
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Old 06-03-2015, 08:42 PM
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I know Arabian .. that's how she sees it. She's "allowing me time".

Last communication she used the word "VISITATION" to refer to D4coming here for the first time.

She talks about an hour on a March Break and an hour early on Easter weekend. That's her argument?

What about the rest of March Break, Family day, Valentine's Day, etc

Or last year barely seeing her. I lost nearly a year with D3. During thunderstorms I would sit outside and listen to the thunder, knowing D4 could hear the same Thunder and wondering where in the city she was and if she was scared.

She has some nerve.

Yes Im "trying to get something" ...50/50 and joint custody.

Every time an issue is discussed: Dr issue, mediation, sitter...she starts off with "theres no point in discussing (if you don't agree with me)"...ridiculous

She says she doesn't have to give me anything .. but has no problem asking to take from my parenting time.

I have no idea how to respond to this crap. Rioe .. you around?

Rockscan .. back in court June 31st.

Last edited by LovingFather32; 06-03-2015 at 08:47 PM.
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Old 06-03-2015, 09:13 PM
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What do I want to write?

Goes something like this. But I get I cant. Way too long.

Quote:
Regarding Wednesdays, you are asking to vary an order that would decrease my parenting time and disrupt D4's current Wednesday routine, which you yourself say is not in her best interests at this time.

I took your request under advisement, however, I am finished working for the summer in 3 weeks. I am sure you will agree that disrupting her schedule for 3 days is not in her best interest at this time.

We are both her parents and I intend on being an equal part of D4's life. Perhaps you should reconsider your terminology as I don't feel it's appropriate to say that you're allotting me time to see D4.

I have never demanded make up time for the months that you held her from me.

You've allowed me to pick her up an hour or two early once on the March Break and once at Easter. Since I was off for March break I was anticipating half of the week.

I won't go over all of the holidays I've been denied since our separation but they are indeed well documented. Also, makeup time is a very normal occurrence in separation.

I want to remind you that I don't want to be in court. I want to mediate, settle, go 50/50 joint custody and move on with our lives. Court is very expensive and I would rather be putting this money aside for D4's education.

Perhaps this spirit of cooperation will extend to many of the other issues so we can get on with co-parenting our wonderful little girl"
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Old 06-03-2015, 09:18 PM
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Okay now try to convey the same message without using the word "I" in it and encourage her to do the same when she responds. You can use "we" or "you" but no "I' - makes for a very interesting exercise.

So for sentences such as the second to last it would read:

Could we concur that we really don't want to be in court? The position taken by many people in our situation is to mediate, settle and go 50/50 joint custody and then move on with their lives. Court being expensive we can agree that money would be better spent for D4's education. ...

Last edited by arabian; 06-03-2015 at 09:34 PM. Reason: another thought - yes make it personal, divorce is personal
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