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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 06-17-2014, 11:32 PM
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Default I'm not sure what else to do....

I could really use some input here. I'm at a loss as to what to do. Some quick/history. Separated back in 2011 after being threatened physically from diagnosed mentally ill ex-wife. Years of verbal abuse and garbage. I was done. She turned around - ran to a shelter, couldn't find kids. Settled for joint/shared custody (big mistake) and we each have the kids one week at a time.

Since that time (almost 3 years) never followed the agreement. Used all kinds of government agencies, child protection agencies and police against me without success.

Tried to suggest mediation but she simply won't despite it being a clause in our agreement. I can't keep doing this with her. She's grilling the kids for info constantly. Her paranoia is worse than ever and again, not following the agreement at all. I've all but refused to communicate at all and use third parties and websites like myfamilywizard.com to monitor our conversations. She refuses.

How do I proceed? Where do I go from here? This is just not sustainable to parent these kids...any suggestions are welcomed!
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Old 06-18-2014, 01:27 PM
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What EXACTLY is the problem you want to solve.

She will grill the kids and there is nothing you can really do, the best is to get her to admit she is doing it and then in a future hearing use it as proof and the judge will tell her "stop doing it" but she'll keep doing it but he might like her less.

Since seems to be TRYING to use these agencies against you but failing it means ur doing fine.

What do you want to mediate? YOu have an agreement....

If you believe she is officially crazy (good luck!) then get psychosocial evaluation and ask for sole custody. Most likely she is just slightly crazy and you'll have wasted your money for nothing....

You can't fix crazy and you can't really protect your kids from her either unless its "clear and present danger" or REALLY well documented, proven and consistent harm,
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Old 06-18-2014, 01:38 PM
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I'm trying to basically do the following:

1.) Have it turned over to sole custody so I can look after the care of the children/etc and provide her with liberal access to the kids so there is consistency. They need to see their Mom and despite how horrible she might be, I would never, ever impede that.

2.) Enforce and ensure the order/sep agreement is being followed

3.) Limit communication to a forum such as my family wizard or one of those types of communications that is monitored as she cannot handle phone/text/email/etc.

4.) An Eval would be nice. It don't quite get your comment - it's documented but she's refused to go through with the full eval as she's afraid of the outcome. I truthfully would love for it to happen so that she can get healthy and be well for the kids!

I'm unphased by grilling the kids. It's lame, childish and dumb. I just hate what it does to the kids. Makes them feel pressured.
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Old 06-18-2014, 01:54 PM
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Focus on 1 - you are basically going to have convince the mother she is now unfit.

You'll have to answer questions like:
-If she was unfit why did you consent at the start
-Give LOTS and LOTS of examples of her unfitness - Like 10 major instances etc...

Maybe you need to speak to OCL/CAS in Ontario - its a big hill good luck.
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Old 06-18-2014, 01:58 PM
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It may be a hill but it's worth the climb. CAS has been involved before when she called them on me and they turned on her. I've been told twice that they have "wanted" to intervene but did not have "enough" at that time. I will be requesting the OCL this time around. I've had a lawyer friend review this for free and they feel I have enough to pursue this and likely with success so we'll see. I just know it can't keep going like this.
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Old 06-18-2014, 02:06 PM
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You have an agreement already and you have custody of the kids.

Exactly what orders would you ask for from a judge and to what end?

First of all you should understand that you would probably have to demonstrate a significant material change in circumstance has occurred for a judge to re-open anything or change the status quo. Unfortunately being sick and tired and frustrated of dealing with a crazy ex doesn't qualify.

Due to their oodles of previous involvement and no findings I don't think you're going to any traction with those same agencies against your ex.

I think you need a better support system, perhaps some therapy, to deal with your emotions in handling your ex. It's very hard to let go, disengage, and get some mental and emotional distance from exes who are HC... but it's a skill that can be learned and practiced and you will learn to ignore/compartmentalize most of it with practice and support.

Sorry you are having a rough time, but I don't think engaging the legal system will defuse or help anything. Likely the opposite. You'll go in asking for Sole, and her lawyer will tell her to do the same. Then you will be in OCL, custody evaluations, a 2 year trial, and probably end up with the same result you have now.
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Old 06-18-2014, 02:13 PM
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While I appreciate your assessment, you have to understand that I have laid out practically no information as to what has taken place. I've also had lawyers that are un-involved with the case and not looking to get retained encourage me to pursue this.

You can't have joint custody with someone who won't let you travel with them, makes major medical decisions for your kids without informing you and refuses to be reasonable and continues to lack the ability to communicate regarding the simplest of issues including pick up/drop off for PA Days.

While I hear what you are saying, I've played peacemaker and ignored a lot for 4 years. It simply won't work going forward....
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Old 06-18-2014, 02:29 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vocalfather View Post
While I appreciate your assessment, you have to understand that I have laid out practically no information as to what has taken place. I've also had lawyers that are un-involved with the case and not looking to get retained encourage me to pursue this.

You can't have joint custody with someone who won't let you travel with them, makes major medical decisions for your kids without informing you and refuses to be reasonable and continues to lack the ability to communicate regarding the simplest of issues including pick up/drop off for PA Days.

While I hear what you are saying, I've played peacemaker and ignored a lot for 4 years. It simply won't work going forward....
So what are you looking for from us?

If you are just venting that's fine, just let us know.
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Old 06-18-2014, 03:53 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by vocalfather View Post
I'm trying to basically do the following:

1.) Have it turned over to sole custody so I can look after the care of the children/etc and provide her with liberal access to the kids so there is consistency. They need to see their Mom and despite how horrible she might be, I would never, ever impede that.

2.) Enforce and ensure the order/sep agreement is being followed

3.) Limit communication to a forum such as my family wizard or one of those types of communications that is monitored as she cannot handle phone/text/email/etc.

4.) An Eval would be nice. It don't quite get your comment - it's documented but she's refused to go through with the full eval as she's afraid of the outcome. I truthfully would love for it to happen so that she can get healthy and be well for the kids!

I'm unphased by grilling the kids. It's lame, childish and dumb. I just hate what it does to the kids. Makes them feel pressured.
You want to change from an access schedule to "liberal" access. You would have to prove to the court why that is a good thing.

YOU can manage communications. STOP responding to her voice calls etc. When she calls to rant, inform her clearly and consistently that unless it is an emergnecy, please use email and communicate only on matters regarding the children.

I'm not convinved you are unphased by the grilling the kids, it clearly gets a reaction out of you. Learn to let go. Focus on your relationship with the kids.

As for an evaluation, what are you hoping to prove. There are plenty of people who are mentally ill who are allowed to have custody of their kids, or at a minimum generous access. What you would have to prove is that she is making parenting decisions that harm the children or put them at risk.

I had this discussion with my lawyer, who was a straight shooter.
Mental illness is a wide spectrum of illnesses and conditions. Unless she volunteers to undergo an assessment, it could cost your tens of thousands to try to force an evaluation, and there is no guarentee a) that a judge would grant your motion, or b) that you would get the decisive diagnosis you want and c) that a judge would rule in your favour based on a diagnosis.

As fighting for family has suggested, I haven't seen you demonstrate a material change in circumstances that would get a judge to review these things.
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Old 06-18-2014, 07:03 PM
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I'd like to see this agreement followed! More than anything, I would like it to change from one week on to one week off to something more stable for the kids. I can assure you, grilling the kids is not the issue. The kids being late to school over 40 times this year by 3+ hours, being denied travel for no reason, various accusations against myself through police/CAS/etc by her, poor living conditions for my kids and no secrecy when it comes to medical issues related to our kids. Communication is so poor that I cannot even confirm a pick up or drop off time for my kids. I've played peacemaker. I've done everything. Setup counselling for kids? Denied. Setup extra-curricular for the kids? She won't allow them to attend and they are kicked out. Your telling me a judge is going to say that is in the best interest of the kids? A woman who made an agreement that requires her to mediate and then chooses repeatedly not to is ok?

I hear everything that you guys are saying and I'm not looking for everyone's opinion. I'm looking for what my next steps might look like. That's all. I appreciate there is certain perspectives/etc out there but to document everything that has gone on here is not possible nor would it be safe in case my ex was to troll this board. It would be very clear who I'm speaking about.
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