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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 03-30-2006, 12:55 PM
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Default I want to divorce, but.....

Hi,

At the end of January I told my husband of 15 years almost that I wanted a divorce. We have been going downhill since the last 3 years, fighting about the same thing since then. The sand settles and then stirs up again and it never gets settled. We have 2 boys 9 and 13. My husband is married to his PC, they call me a computer widow. Cannot relate to his boys only via the PC and that frustrates me. We talked alot, but admitted that he wasn't really listening, thinking that I was just having a female moment and so many things in between. Anyways, since I've asked for the divorce, he wants to change, why now and not then. I don't love him anymore and I've told him that, but he thinks he can make me love him again. Impossible for me. Too much added hurt over the years. We tried counselling, and he told me, that he didn't need to go, 'cause he saw nothing wrong, that I went only to vent. He got his parents involved and they don't want us to separate/divorce. His sister left her husband 1 year ago, and told us later on that she was gay. Fine, she is still who she is, I never judged her. Anyways, I want to take the final step, but am afraid. I saw the lawyer, I already opened my own account, have the separation agreement papers on hand, why is it so hard to take that final step when it's what I really want. It's difficult 'cause my husband is turning on the charm now, but it's too late for me, I just don't love him anymore. When he touches me, I gringe. Even if it's just rubbing my arm, or a gentle kiss. I need and want to move on, but can't seem to cross that finish line.

Gigi
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Old 03-30-2006, 01:09 PM
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I hear what you're saying GIGi, have you considered still going to the counselling with the thought that the counselor will be able to help you and your husband realize that the relationship is over? Just a thought.....you could see the counselor first by yourself, and maybe tell them where you're leaning and then maybe they could help facilitate the acknowledged conclusion with him.

This is similar to what I did.
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Old 03-30-2006, 02:34 PM
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Your story reminds me of a friend of mine. She is back with her husband and things are going great for them. He really did change. She had decided to leave but gave him another shot.

Anyway... I would agree with privateone- try counselling - It can't hurt and you will always know that you gave it your all. The counsellor can make the divorce go a lot more smoothly if you end up going through with it.

I think your reluctance to actually take that final step is yourself being not quite sure. Maybe you need to listen to it.
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Old 03-30-2006, 03:01 PM
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Gigi,

Read 'Divorce Remedy' ... divorce is a trap. The person thinks that by seperating and going their own ways instead of attempting to fix the situations is easier. Easier it may seem in the beginning, but once you go down that path, easy turns to difficult in so many ways.

Everything you've described - from touching to kissing to gringing is known as emotional withdrawal ... it seems impossible to ever love the same person again. It's just a 'state' of mind that one can go into and out during their lives. I know, I've personally have gone into that state wanting to divorce my wife, toughed it out, and those feeling of not being in love dissappeared.

Mainly its caused because of 'neglect' or an unknowing. No one ever told us when we got married that it would take work to keep the love intact! You have certain NEEDS that were not being met and slowly -- your love for your husband went into the red. In this red state -- it seems impossible to ever love again. Your love is not gone, it's just been exhasted ... there are certain actions you both need to do to get that LOVE back above the red, once you do that, the feelings of LOVE return.

Unfortunately, my wife has hit the same mindset, being a person who loves her, I will not interfer in her lifes lesson. We are all here to learn and experience. I will not rob her of what she must learn ... I'm am grateful in many ways to have shared a portion of my life with her, I learned so much and the greatest lesson was about LOVE. Now, she will teach me the lesson of LETTING GO ... I know that as tough as this lesson will be ... I'm grateful for having had the opportunity of her as being my teacher, friend and lover in our lives together.

One day, I hope to share what I have come to learn about people, relationships and love to my 3 precious children.

PLEASE, PLEASE goto www.marriagebuilders.com they have FREE articles that describe what you are feeling and why. Both you and your husband should do this together.

I may not be able to save my marriage, but by GOD, I pray I can help you to avert the disaster you may be heading towards!

A MIGHTY blessing that LOVE will pour back into your lives and that HAPPINESS will be the end!

Hubby
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Old 03-30-2006, 03:13 PM
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Thanks for your input. There's lot at stake here. My kids, financial situation, my home, etc.... but again, I don't love this person anymore, therefore, it is right for me to put my feelings aside and put on a mask that everything is OK and then grow to hate or resent this person. I'm 41 years old, I don't want it to be to late for me to start over again and wind up alone for the rest of my life. There is no other in my life at this moment, I know I need time to find out what I want, who I am as a women and rejuvenate before I enter another relationship. He deserves to be loved by someone who will love him back. We are so different. I'm outgoing, full of life, bubbly, he's boring, never wants to go out of the house once he's in it, he's shy, always on the PC in the basement. He's draining me with his negative attitude. We want different things now, actually I do. He's satisfied of the way things are. I'm 41 and he's 38 and I have more life and joy of living in me. Sometimes I feel that I'm living my retirement years at 41. I feel like the person in me is dying.
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Old 04-06-2006, 05:41 PM
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Sometimes the cost of things outweigh the benefits. If you force yourself to be in this relationship when you really don't want to, no matter how hard you try to hide your true feelings, they will show through.

It seems as though you are really unhappy with the situation with your husband. Maybe speak to a counselor about what's going on. They will be able to help you sort through your feelings or even get to the root of them.
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Old 12-08-2010, 11:15 PM
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Default Get help

Go to a good therapist. Stay open minded.

Separation and Divorce are real life changers. Sometimes you need help getting your head straight in order to make the decision. My ex came only once to a joint session and it was terrible. But I went on my own for about 6 months and it really helped. I was hoping to save the marriage by fixing myself in therapy and instead I ended up divorced but happy. "happy" is the important part.
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Old 12-08-2010, 11:25 PM
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John, this thread is almost 5 years old.

Mind, I wonder how things turned out for her. But she only ever made those two posts.
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