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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 11-19-2011, 02:07 AM
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Default I figured this was going on 100%- but then jail, $1000 bail and what is next?

So I do not have anyone to talk to - this is hitting me harder than i thought it would. Much harder. Sex, highschool, arrested, Jail, she is bailing him for $1000 on Tuesday........ this is what she wants????

So I know we are seperated under the same roof - two of us and the three children. I know months ago she stopped contributing to this family and gave up sitting and spending time with my youngest instead chosing to hide in her room on the phone-for hours. Daughter asked why doesn't mom want to spend time with me anymore? Told her that is something I can't answer for her. So all night phone, then late from work, not coming home, sleepovers I call them went to almost ahlf the time she was on sleepover activity. I didn't mind her out (less stress for me). But the all for yourself attitude around here is hard emotionally-at least on me.

Went on for a few months then sort of stopped when I noticed my "free from her time" was shit, not happening anymore! Still what bugged me more was the kids lying for her (I never pushed the kids period - not fair to them) but the kids acting the way they are, they complain to me about the "house falling apart - lack of food, groceries, whatever". I just asked them to talk to mom as she had more control in this regard than I.

Sleepovers had stopped and it took a bit for things to sink in - ok I am slow in that department too, but now all these funny accept the charges telephone calls???? I figured something because she was all over me when i picked up a phone to answer it. Thursday it was the FedEx drop off a letter package that as i opened the Front door my eldest daughter almost jumped on me to get her hands on it before the fella was handing it to me. More than alarm bells? Yes she went out and I found it - it was from a name I recognized from highschool, we both knew him and she still spoke to him on occassion. OKKKK?????

Tonight I was just moving slow, I thought I was answering a regular phone call when I hear, "Hi Sweety!, I sure miss you! Can't wait till we can get together" -----BANG!!! hit me like a rock, for the first time I find for a fact with my own ears she is sleeping with the FedEx sender, from high school!! Going to get slammed for not hanging up asap and even writing her choices here - it just happened and then my human nature took over. Could have and was about to hang up....... not too much to fill in the gaps

Sleepovers stopped and the "accept the charges" phone calls is because he is in JAIL? He goes in front of the judge Tuesday? Clear is I heard hime say, "So you (stbx - in what used to be my bedroom)are going to have to go to the Kingston courthouse Tuesday morning first thing and post the $1000 for him. So with all my head shrink issues that are my burden to bear all these years I get to add stbx is Bailing out her lovers now out of Jail! Then it clicked that he said something about personal items and a carton of smokes (she hates smoking and she said a coy nooo!!) So is it bail? I heard that as I was hanging it up - my human nature only lasted about 10 seconds, I always knew it was or something at least was going on for a long time and it didn't stab me until just a couple of hours ago.

God I can't wait till this is all in my faint memories!!! Can't say this helped? Chest is lighter at least! Tomorrow will be a better day! I hope.
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Old 11-19-2011, 10:43 AM
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You may have thought something was going on and thought you could handle it but when it is confirmed, then it really hits home. Look at it this way, her choices in life are not going to make her happy in the long run. It seems like she is having her own midlife crisis by reconnecting with some guy from high school, then he is a bad boy on top of it, that is the icing on the cake. She is looking for excitement and her youth IMHO.

Can beat you on it though. Within two weeks of my ex and i finally realizing it was over, he asked if the he could bring this woman who he had just met (i think was their second date, if i can believe him) home on new years eve after the party they were planning to go to. At least he asked me in advance. The kicker i said she could sleep on the couch, we only had two beds and he was sleeping in the master bedroom and i was in the spare bed. He wanted her to sleep in the same bed he and i had shared but they would not have sex. He also said that if they did the sheets could be washed.

Things will get better for you, they have for me. You seem to be really struggling to cope with all she is throwing at you but you are doing it. This latest thing for you was just a shocker and eye opener for you.
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Old 11-19-2011, 01:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ddol1 View Post
So I do not have anyone to talk to - this is hitting me harder than i thought it would. Much harder. Sex, highschool, arrested, Jail, she is bailing him for $1000 on Tuesday........ this is what she wants????

So I know we are seperated under the same roof - two of us and the three children. I know months ago she stopped contributing to this family and gave up sitting and spending time with my youngest instead chosing to hide in her room on the phone-for hours. Daughter asked why doesn't mom want to spend time with me anymore? Told her that is something I can't answer for her. So all night phone, then late from work, not coming home, sleepovers I call them went to almost ahlf the time she was on sleepover activity. I didn't mind her out (less stress for me). But the all for yourself attitude around here is hard emotionally-at least on me.

Went on for a few months then sort of stopped when I noticed my "free from her time" was shit, not happening anymore! Still what bugged me more was the kids lying for her (I never pushed the kids period - not fair to them) but the kids acting the way they are, they complain to me about the "house falling apart - lack of food, groceries, whatever". I just asked them to talk to mom as she had more control in this regard than I.

Sleepovers had stopped and it took a bit for things to sink in - ok I am slow in that department too, but now all these funny accept the charges telephone calls???? I figured something because she was all over me when i picked up a phone to answer it. Thursday it was the FedEx drop off a letter package that as i opened the Front door my eldest daughter almost jumped on me to get her hands on it before the fella was handing it to me. More than alarm bells? Yes she went out and I found it - it was from a name I recognized from highschool, we both knew him and she still spoke to him on occassion. OKKKK?????

Tonight I was just moving slow, I thought I was answering a regular phone call when I hear, "Hi Sweety!, I sure miss you! Can't wait till we can get together" -----BANG!!! hit me like a rock, for the first time I find for a fact with my own ears she is sleeping with the FedEx sender, from high school!! Going to get slammed for not hanging up asap and even writing her choices here - it just happened and then my human nature took over. Could have and was about to hang up....... not too much to fill in the gaps

Sleepovers stopped and the "accept the charges" phone calls is because he is in JAIL? He goes in front of the judge Tuesday? Clear is I heard hime say, "So you (stbx - in what used to be my bedroom)are going to have to go to the Kingston courthouse Tuesday morning first thing and post the $1000 for him. So with all my head shrink issues that are my burden to bear all these years I get to add stbx is Bailing out her lovers now out of Jail! Then it clicked that he said something about personal items and a carton of smokes (she hates smoking and she said a coy nooo!!) So is it bail? I heard that as I was hanging it up - my human nature only lasted about 10 seconds, I always knew it was or something at least was going on for a long time and it didn't stab me until just a couple of hours ago.

God I can't wait till this is all in my faint memories!!! Can't say this helped? Chest is lighter at least! Tomorrow will be a better day! I hope.
I hope you've consulted a lawyer. Document, document. I am sorry that you have to endure this and hopefully your children will understand what mom is doing. I think though the more she slags them off the more they'll gravitate to her. They just want to be loved. Unfortunately it will screw with their heads.
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Old 11-19-2011, 02:44 PM
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She is with someone else. If that person is in jail, that is her life, her business, her mistake to make.

You are in the middle of it because after all this time you still haven't moved out.

If you can't/won't live separately then this shit is bound to happen.

She is not your STBX, she is already your ex. You need to disentangle your life, your finances and your emotions. Who she fucks and who she talks to all night and who she gives $1000 to bail out of jail is none of your business.

Honestly, don't even try to argue with me, the sooner that all this sinks in and you let go and move on, the healthier it will be for you.
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Old 11-19-2011, 08:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post

Honestly, don't even try to argue with me, the sooner that all this sinks in and you let go and move on, the healthier it will be for you.
I agree, you need to take the high road and move out asap, or it's gonna get worse. It seems like you are obsessed with her and it's causing a very negative effect on you.
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Old 11-19-2011, 09:34 PM
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Thanks to all for the words..... YEs it hit home - but I am not different than anybody else there are so many out there so it is about acceptance of what doesn't matter to me and focus on me and getting my case as rock solid as I possibly can.

Mess, I agree (you know your stuff on here) and yet I don't agree - I figured out the finances a long time ago and it just isn't there - No friends, no family, not enough income so I am here for now - it will be about getting the last docs ready - and a few professional evaluations completed which are in progress now, and as they are getting done - I am getting the last of the financial 20 year story in place. It is hard, and not emotional hard - just I have been getting confused alot and it has to be right so I go at the speed to which I am capable.

I also admit that confusion is my issue, I have been at a point for a long time where it is has been too much for me to cope with. If I was at a point where I was even five years ago I would not have the issues that has me in the position I find myself now - my benefit today is I recognize my limitations and how to ask for help. Lastly is somebody who is definately knowledged in the areas of family law I find myself having so much difficulty with has come to the plate on my behalf, understands what I am missing, what I need to get done to be ready to properly defend my position. And if all works out well, to get an EX who refuses to negotiate - Period!!, into a negotiating mood which in the end is her best interest and mine as well.

I recently no longer feel like I am in what I will call "my state of confusion" and now with solid direction to get it finished and a pretty good plan and plenty of what if's in place - I will handle what is soon coming. I also understand now why lawyers have been not willing to even discuss my file let alone consider taking it on - I now know I was lucky to have found the one I did - and although I did not consider this, as it was pointed out to me, my EX! will have the same difficultyto find representation as I - the expertise is just not available and regardless it is going to get done one way or another.

I know it is about money and I figure i will need to do everything i can to have the money for the retainer - I am not able to take this on alone. Trust me, the last place I want to rest my head at night is where my pillow sits. But staying here is the pain I was advized (and from everthing I have learned here in the last months) to endure if i can in my best interest. Like many ex's on this site who faced the months and years under the same roof some just do not have any other solid option. I am here and it protects my assets and my future. It gives us both the incentive to actually get the agreement done - I am not in the position to just leave and not worry about what happens with the assets and chasing her down when the money is gone.....

I can see the end at this point at least. the original post was what it was - a way to get it out, get it off my chest, instead of keeping it in and perhaps snaping - I am still here, the police didn't stop at our door lights ablazing so I ahve indeed made it one more day. So again, thanks to many. i am here to fight one more day............
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Old 11-19-2011, 09:37 PM
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The fact that she's got a spare thousand dollars to bail some idiot out of jail when she won't even negotiate spousal support with you is the crux of the problem, I think?

Write a separation agreement yourself. Put a fair deal in it accounting for everything you know about your situation. You've done enough research by now to know what that is, right? Write up the basics of her form 13 financial disclosure based on what you know, and tell her to add anything to it that you aren't aware of (remind her that lying will come back to bite her later). Tell her to take both documents to her lawyer for advice, and get back to you with any changes she wants to make, and once it's signed, you'll move out of her life forever. Make it sound like good incentive. Leave scribbled-on want ads for apartments lying around to get her hopes up. If the kids ask questions, talk to them frankly. Don't tell them too much detail that they don't need, but talk to them honestly. Ask them if any of them are planning to move out with you, so you know what size apartment to hunt for and what area. Pick a spot near one of their jobs, and you might find them very interested. Bit manipulative, but really, you're only being helpful.

But you need to take action. If she won't do the work, do it for her and then get her to rubber-stamp it.
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Old 11-19-2011, 09:45 PM
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one day at a time is all you can do.

Good luck and stay strong
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Old 11-20-2011, 07:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ddol1 View Post
So I do not have anyone to talk to - this is hitting me harder than i thought it would. Much harder. Sex, highschool, arrested, Jail, she is bailing him for $1000 on Tuesday........ this is what she wants????

So I know we are seperated under the same roof - two of us and the three children. I know months ago she stopped contributing to this family and gave up sitting and spending time with my youngest instead chosing to hide in her room on the phone-for hours. Daughter asked why doesn't mom want to spend time with me anymore? Told her that is something I can't answer for her. So all night phone, then late from work, not coming home, sleepovers I call them went to almost ahlf the time she was on sleepover activity. I didn't mind her out (less stress for me). But the all for yourself attitude around here is hard emotionally-at least on me.

Went on for a few months then sort of stopped when I noticed my "free from her time" was shit, not happening anymore! Still what bugged me more was the kids lying for her (I never pushed the kids period - not fair to them) but the kids acting the way they are, they complain to me about the "house falling apart - lack of food, groceries, whatever". I just asked them to talk to mom as she had more control in this regard than I.

Sleepovers had stopped and it took a bit for things to sink in - ok I am slow in that department too, but now all these funny accept the charges telephone calls???? I figured something because she was all over me when i picked up a phone to answer it. Thursday it was the FedEx drop off a letter package that as i opened the Front door my eldest daughter almost jumped on me to get her hands on it before the fella was handing it to me. More than alarm bells? Yes she went out and I found it - it was from a name I recognized from highschool, we both knew him and she still spoke to him on occassion. OKKKK?????

Tonight I was just moving slow, I thought I was answering a regular phone call when I hear, "Hi Sweety!, I sure miss you! Can't wait till we can get together" -----BANG!!! hit me like a rock, for the first time I find for a fact with my own ears she is sleeping with the FedEx sender, from high school!! Going to get slammed for not hanging up asap and even writing her choices here - it just happened and then my human nature took over. Could have and was about to hang up....... not too much to fill in the gaps

Sleepovers stopped and the "accept the charges" phone calls is because he is in JAIL? He goes in front of the judge Tuesday? Clear is I heard hime say, "So you (stbx - in what used to be my bedroom)are going to have to go to the Kingston courthouse Tuesday morning first thing and post the $1000 for him. So with all my head shrink issues that are my burden to bear all these years I get to add stbx is Bailing out her lovers now out of Jail! Then it clicked that he said something about personal items and a carton of smokes (she hates smoking and she said a coy nooo!!) So is it bail? I heard that as I was hanging it up - my human nature only lasted about 10 seconds, I always knew it was or something at least was going on for a long time and it didn't stab me until just a couple of hours ago.

God I can't wait till this is all in my faint memories!!! Can't say this helped? Chest is lighter at least! Tomorrow will be a better day! I hope.
ughh $ 1000 bail? that could help with lawyer fee or moving cost! I have tried separated under same roof, it was aggravating to say the least.
But is there a rule on who should keep the house? I mean if she doesn't want to live with him anymore, why is he the one to leave the house?
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Old 11-21-2011, 05:50 AM
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what she does is her affair - I only concern myself to two things:
1. Property and what rights I can rreetain from the disabilty payments I received over the years and the other basic family law stuff we all deal with and very important in my mind - that we have or better she retains enough property to cover those obligations. (bonus to her is she can still swing the house she dreams about)
2. I realize I will depend on her continuing spousal support because no matter how good the property settlement I have figured it is not enough to cover basic survival - I am not planning to be greedy or live lavishly - just the very basics is ok with me.

the law regarding property rights
Family Law states that both spouses have equal right to live in the matramonial home - no matter the circumstance of either spouse this right to stay in the home remains. Next is the assumption of "status-quo" where both spouses can remain in the house, living seperated - children or not until the final property settlement can be negotiated and if need be - right to the final divorce decree and the selling of the matramonial home. Again it doesn't matter how this is settled the matramonial home begins at a 50/50 division. (yes the rules soften I believe for the matramonial home if the couple is not married with only one spouse on the deed and a very short cohabitation - I believe this can be true if married as well again with very short duration.... I am not certain on these circumstance as we are in a long duration marriage of 24 years)

SO to specifically respond to your inquiry? There is no rule that favours one spouse over the other with all things equal. The advice of the lawyer in our case with limited monthly income (her salary and my limited CCP benefits) he highly suspected a ruling of "if either one of us applied for sole occupancy that the house would be ordered sold right away" - this was very much not in my best interest..... and even with all the crap that has gone on, this has not changed.
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