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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2013, 10:24 AM
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Unhappy How to let the kids go

I feel so sad. I'm fighting a losing battle for the boys and I just don't know how to let go. I need to get a life, but I'm not done with my old one. I left my husband, not my kids, but i guess it comes hand in hand. I sit here one km away from my 3 year old while a nanny raises him. I don't have custody this week, so I just stew. The ex has his own business so my Right of first Refusal clause doesn't work as he goes until the time limit, comes home, then leaves again.
I'm getting destroyed over this and realize that until I move on my ex still has what seems to be total control of my life, which are the kids right now. they are so young . I fight in court and be a pain in the ass, but ultimately I don't think it's helping me, I'm on my way out.
I go get a job and let him and the nanny be that happy family? I just wanted to be a mom to my baby for the next couple years like I was to the other two, but I'm made out to be an ogre just causing grief and I'm starting to think that's true. My 3 year old has bonded to that nanny and when he's with me he calls me her name 60% of the time and the last day with me he said he wants to go home and be with her.
Ugh. How do I let it go and live with it? I'm SO angry at my ex, there was No reason to take that child from me. He's working anyway, why can't I watch the baby until he gets home? It's what he assured me would happen, but because the nanny doesn't want to be just a maid, I gotta be the one to go.

But I start to rant. Bottom line is, do I sit here and continue to fight and squeeze in anywhere I can and go bonkers when I'm alone or move on, get a job/life and come to terms that my time with that awesome little boy is cut to a 1/4.
And how can I live with either? I can't seem to see past this. I'm caught in a seriously emotional spin.
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Old 09-23-2013, 10:30 AM
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I would say a good first step would be some counseling. It helped me and others have also told you how much it has helped them.

It is difficult and we can sympathize with you but it would appear that your stress is unhealthy.

For me going to the gym helped a lot. Not only is it great for you body but also your mind. There is a ton of research on the affects of exercise on mood.
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Old 09-23-2013, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by oink View Post
1,000 post FB_


Wow, didn't even notice. Thanks
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Old 09-23-2013, 11:51 AM
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Originally Posted by FB_ View Post
I would say a good first step would be some counseling. It helped me and others have also told you how much it has helped them.

It is difficult and we can sympathize with you but it would appear that your stress is unhealthy.

For me going to the gym helped a lot. Not only is it great for you body but also your mind. There is a ton of research on the affects of exercise on mood.
Agree with all of this as well. The gym will put in such a good mood. A job will have you supporting yourself, giving you so much self confidence.
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Old 09-23-2013, 11:55 AM
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Originally Posted by FB_ View Post
I would say a good first step would be some counseling. It helped me and others have also told you how much it has helped them.

It is difficult and we can sympathize with you but it would appear that your stress is unhealthy.

For me going to the gym helped a lot. Not only is it great for you body but also your mind. There is a ton of research on the affects of exercise on mood.
I agree... ultimately, what you are feeling are your feelings. It is clear that your little boy is thriving in the situation he is in, you are the one who is not dealing well. It is understandable, but you do have to understand that with separation comes change. You will no longer be able to be there 100% of the time, nor will his Father. The fact that his father gets to come home mid day or whenever and see him, means they both get to strengthen that bond, he doesn't get that opportunity when the child is with you.

This is a change for everyone involved and you need to stop focusing on him and the Nanny, this is nothing new to you, the Nanny was always around, the only thing new is your not around 100%. Your child is safe and that is all that matters. Don't think for a second he doesn't love or care about you, but do try to embrace the nanny as another person he has in his life who cares for him.

You will do much more for your children, by letting go and moving on and being happy than you are right now fighting tooth and nail and being depressed.
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Old 09-23-2013, 01:13 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Karver View Post
I feel so sad. I'm fighting a losing battle for the boys and I just don't know how to let go. I need to get a life, but I'm not done with my old one. I left my husband, not my kids, but i guess it comes hand in hand. I sit here one km away from my 3 year old while a nanny raises him. I don't have custody this week, so I just stew. The ex has his own business so my Right of first Refusal clause doesn't work as he goes until the time limit, comes home, then leaves again.
I'm getting destroyed over this and realize that until I move on my ex still has what seems to be total control of my life, which are the kids right now. they are so young . I fight in court and be a pain in the ass, but ultimately I don't think it's helping me, I'm on my way out.
I go get a job and let him and the nanny be that happy family? I just wanted to be a mom to my baby for the next couple years like I was to the other two, but I'm made out to be an ogre just causing grief and I'm starting to think that's true. My 3 year old has bonded to that nanny and when he's with me he calls me her name 60% of the time and the last day with me he said he wants to go home and be with her.
Ugh. How do I let it go and live with it? I'm SO angry at my ex, there was No reason to take that child from me. He's working anyway, why can't I watch the baby until he gets home? It's what he assured me would happen, but because the nanny doesn't want to be just a maid, I gotta be the one to go.

But I start to rant. Bottom line is, do I sit here and continue to fight and squeeze in anywhere I can and go bonkers when I'm alone or move on, get a job/life and come to terms that my time with that awesome little boy is cut to a 1/4.
And how can I live with either? I can't seem to see past this. I'm caught in a seriously emotional spin.
I also just wanted to comment about the getting the names wrong. After a weekend with their mother both my kids 4&7 call me mom for the first day. It has nothing to do with them wanting her over me or anything like that. They correct themselves pretty quick.

The Nanny is a very important part of your childs life.
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Old 09-23-2013, 01:40 PM
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Just wanted to second what others have said about seeking counselling. A good counsellor will let you express your grief and feelings of loss, but will also help you move through those feelings so they don't dominate your emotional life, and you can be the kind of mother you want to be.

Also, the nanny isn't "raising your child", any more than the school system is raising mine. He knows who his mother is. Keep fighting for your time with him, and build that bond. Pre-divorce, I got flak for putting my daughter in day care after my mat leave was over - "How could you let strangers raise your baby??". Didn't happen. Kids know who their parents are, even if they bond to their other caregivers. The nanny isn't your competition, and it's good that your son has positive feeling for her. The more loving and caring adults a child has in his or her life, the better.

Everyone on this site who is a parent has struggled with some version of what you're struggling with - the fact that we have to release our kids and let them go into situations and homes where we have no influence and feeling powerless. It gets better with time. Just keep on being the best mother you can be in the time you have with your child. And that may mean seeking out help for your emotional distress.
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Old 09-23-2013, 02:43 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Karver View Post
I left my husband, not my kids, but i guess it comes hand in hand. I sit here one km away from my 3 year old while a nanny raises him. I don't have custody this week, so I just stew.
Somewhere along the way many women (I say this since they initiate 75% of divorces) somehow learn to romanticize divorce. My ex did too. She had a journal where she wrote all about her "plan" and where she saw herself in five years as she was painstakingly planning on how to take me for every penny she could while I went to work each day to support her and my son. The last weekend we were together and one of us mentioned divorced, I told her that I've been a child of divorce, I've seen many divorces in my family, and in every case divorce never solves any problems, it only makes everything harder for both people... forever.

What did you think was going to happen? It sounds like you wanted to annihilate your ex from your life and walk away with a smile on your face surrounded by your laughing children and fly away into the clouds...

Welcome to reality. Being a single parent is hard. It's the hardest thing, honestly. Being a parent to a child that is slowly dying is the only thing I can think of that is harder. You chose this hard thing, so you're going to have to start dealing with the consequences of the decision.

Your ex never controlled your life. Unless you were chained to the radiator you had a say in your fate, the decision to have THREE children with him. Stop playing the victim.

However you feel, the children being involved with both of their parents to the maximum is nearly always the best thing for them. Realize that, and then get the help and support you need to focus on your own life.
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 09-23-2013, 03:54 PM
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That's a little harsh. We all have moments when the self-pity takes over, and it sounds like that's what Karver is having - a moment. I'm not seeing her wanting to take the kids away from the ex or get out of this without any consequences.

I know that for me, divorce and single parenting was harder than I imagined, but it also became clear that it was more necessary than I had ever imagined, and hanging onto the necessity of it has helped me with the moments like Karver is having right now.

(FWIW I grew up with a gravely ill sibling who was not expected to survive [although he ultimately beat the odds and is here today] and saw the devastating impact on my parents, so I know how true your comparison with single parenting is).
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Old 09-23-2013, 05:27 PM
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OP, I feel for you , I really do. I had my kids taken away from me for nearly 4 months with no contact. Things just starting to thaw.

Running and exercise saved my bacon. Only way i could sleep.

You are still their mother. You will always be their mother. In order to be the best parent you can you will have to take care of yourself.

I know its not easy, but what else can we do?
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