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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #31 (permalink)  
Old 10-01-2013, 12:48 PM
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I didn't have a huge amount of anger to start with. I had realized that the romantic love part of the marriage had been over as soon as I realized that a) she was a compulsive liar and attention seeker, and b) she had no desire to admit it or change, even if it was the only thing to save the relationship.

I stayed, because I feared losing time with the kids. She eventually created a situation that escalated, and then she and two of my kids left the house, then demanded I leave, which I did a few weeks later.

There were a few weeks when I was in shcok and dispair. Anger a little at having been manipulated into the separation, and the fact she used the kids to do it. She knew I would defend my son, who has had mental health challenges, and so she picked on him until he was on the verge of a breakdown.

The negotiation of the separation agreement was a source of some anger. She hit me with a lawyers letter threatening court, without even asking for more support. I was already voluntarily paying all the household bills plus providing cash for groceries and other things. My ex hadn't worked since a few months after our first child. But she had an inheritence from her father, a war chest she used to fund a rather nasty lawyer.

What made me angry is her alienation of me from the kids. Of course she would swear up and down she didn't do it, but the signs were unmistakable. I was stood up many times, especially when my ex was mad about something.

Her fabrications about me gambling (never happened) or having had an affair with a FB friend who eventually became my GF (not even an emotional affair) also made me angry. And made me lose focus on the separation agreement battle. I honestly think it was a calculated strategy.

A few other things made me angry, but I think what has helped is realizing that my future can be better than my past and that my marriage was dead, so it was best to move on and not drag it out any longer. Counselling has helped with some of the issues around my kids. Friends and family have also helped.
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  #32 (permalink)  
Old 10-01-2013, 08:20 PM
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Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
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Living well is the best revenge.
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  #33 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2013, 10:19 AM
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I have similar anguish. Similar inexplicable sexual rejections and withdrawals.
Try the book and website. "How to get past your breakup" to deal with the emotional issues from which you are obviously suffering. The emotional loss is really the hardest part in all this.
My sympathies
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  #34 (permalink)  
Old 10-14-2013, 11:49 AM
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I personally had no issue leaving my ex when I did. In fact it was a relief. I did stay for one year after saying I was separating because he threatened suicide. I wanted my kids to have a stable father and I wanted my conscience clear. I forced him into crisis services then did everything I could to support him getting his depression treated. I also tried getting him to agree to counselling for the purpose of us learning how to co-parent the kids. He chose not to agree to counselling or deal with his mental issues.

When I left I did have issues about if I timed it right. My youngest was still very dependant on many medical and therapeutic services. I wanted my child to be stable enough for the move. I knew transferring services would mean a lapse in service delivery. I mitigated this the best I could and managed to have most things continue largely uninterrupted with only a few exceptions.

I do not feel good about the fact that I left a marriage. I am the first person in my family to separate and divorce, but it was without a doubt the right decision. I am so much happier. I do not hold any emotion positive or negative towards my ex spouse personally. Any dealings with him are exclusively related to the kids. I can honestly say that I wish my ex the best in his personal life and one hope one day he can find his own peace and happiness.
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  #35 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2014, 01:43 AM
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I don't think anything should justify your action of calling her names. You make it sound like it's such a natural thing- but what you said might have deeply hurt her.
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  #36 (permalink)  
Old 11-06-2014, 06:15 PM
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I'm not going to analyze your actions during your marriage. We are all human and we all screw up. Its too late to play the blame game. Other posters have suggested therapy and it will help you grow and heal. You MUST realize and accept that your marriage is OVER.

The more you put into your marriage the harder it is to let go. Its a prolific loss.

All the best going forward
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  #37 (permalink)  
Old 11-07-2014, 01:03 AM
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Only the people that you know personally, can hurt you, you've invested your emotions into them.

A stranger can say or do something that means nothing to you. It's a stranger of course

An ex can do the exact same thing as the stranger did......and fire works.

Emotional Investment isn't as easy to be rid of, as money or a house.

Anyone prolonging litigation or not resolving issues or not moving on....is stuck at the emotional investment stage. WILL NOT MOVE ON

the ghost of a dead relationship, haunting for sometimes decades

Court is for kids....not for helping the mentally ill (unless it affects the kids)

Courts just a process, not a forum to fight old emotional battles

Last edited by MrToronto; 11-07-2014 at 01:09 AM.
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  #38 (permalink)  
Old 11-27-2014, 08:03 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Freeryder View Post
Hello, I am really struggling to get through this. I don't understand divorce as the thought has never crossed my mind. I am still very much in love, and want to continue to work things out. My wife however, is done.

We have been married for 11 years and we've been faithful to eachother. I've been able to provide for us financially. We started fighting about two years ago when my wife went back to school after having our son. She was stressed, tired, and wanted me to do more. We had a live-in nanny, she cooked and cleaned and we both were excellent parents to our son. My nanny got pregnant, quit and thing got worse. We went through 3 more nannies in the next six months, then had my father look after our son for about a month. We decided to put him in a day home.

My wife started cutting me off from sex. This in turn made me upset and I grew a short fuse. We would fight about cleaning and sex. She would tell me, "pick up your clothes off the floor." Or, "dry the drops of water after you shower." I did so and thusly expected attendance to improve in the sack. It never did so (foolishly), got more upset and called her names. I felt like a dog doing tricks for a treat.

Ultimately, we went to therapy twice, I found out how hurt she was and vowed to drop the anger. Which actually was easy. It was like a switch.

Things got better, for about a month. Then she started talking of divorce. We have VERY different views on divorce. We started fighting again. I got angry again, and she was done.

I guess my rant is that it really felt like we were making progress. To me at least. I feel like I can offer her so much. We never fought about our son, money, there was NEVER any physical abuse. Just sex, or lack thereof, and cleaning ( after therapy I cleaned like crazy, I still am).

Bottom line is I believe our problems are all solvable with hard work, patience and time. We lose so much being apart.

Now I am hurt beyond belief, confused, angry at her and the situation, and desperately sad. My son cries every night for his mother. I haven't been able to keep him for my full four days as I invite her over so she can sleep with him. I do so because just for a fleeting moment, I can feel like a family once again.

I can't make her love me, but I can't stop loving her. I harass her with love emails and texts, then lash out and question why she is giving up.

I am not handling this well.

Time will heal me I know. I just want to keep trying. I don't know what to do as we are prepping to do battle via lawyers and I know it won't be pretty for either of us. I just love her so much. I want to try. But there's no trail separation, no more than two therapy sessions, only lawyers and more fighting.

This is a nightmare.
Time.

That's what it takes, my friend.

In the meanwhile, go for a walk. Start a new hobby. Something cool, exciting, and maybe a little bit dangerous. Go to work like normal. Let the seconds, days, months, and finally years pass (if it takes that long, it may not!).

Let go of the conflict. That's the biggest thing. Water off a ducks back. Roll with the punches, <insert another lame metaphor here>.
Stop fighting and start accepting.

Keep you chin up - a lot of us have been there and I know it will get better for you, just as it did for me.
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