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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 09-30-2013, 11:11 AM
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Let me correct myself

"Also, go read on the other forum I referenced - women disconnects CAN be the result of emotional affairs/cheating."

I don't have the stats to say "often"
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Old 09-30-2013, 11:17 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
Let me correct myself

"Also, go read on the other forum I referenced - women disconnects CAN be the result of emotional affairs/cheating."

I don't have the stats to say "often"
I would also suggest that we all try and make it too simple.

Its rarely one specific factor, it is often a number of factors. Cheating can be the result of a breakdown in other areas, which may speed up the demise of a marriage, but not necessarily cause it. Sometimes the marriage is doomed before cheating happens. This would explain why some people don't "hide" their cheating well.
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Old 09-30-2013, 11:59 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by oink View Post
True story...guy at work was asking us separated / divorced dads for advice a couple of weeks ago.

Situation: His wife (they have kids) mistakenly sent a text meant for "her bit on the side" from work, to him by mistake. It read: am at the bar waiting for you (name of the guy), and can't wait f*** your brains out later

When she got called out on it, she admitted she has been banging the guy for a while...and then decided to go to counseling. She even started bringing him coffee at work now
You might want to tell the guy
1. Trust but Verify

2. Assume she is "Trickle-Truthing" which means she is just admitting what she HAS to admit in order to keep things going. She was prob banging more than one guy AND it was for longer than he thinks.
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Old 09-30-2013, 01:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
You might want to tell the guy
1. Trust but Verify

2. Assume she is "Trickle-Truthing" which means she is just admitting what she HAS to admit in order to keep things going. She was prob banging more than one guy AND it was for longer than he thinks.
I found out about all of the stuff my ex did in about 30 layers.

Once busted she would provide some detail but only enough to be so small that it was inconsequential. I was also an idiot and my friends were telling me so, but I was ignoring it.

Each time she would lie another layer would come off. Eventually I got enough and eventually realized it wasn't going to change and I left. I'm sure I only knew about half of what happened.

Eventually her lies painted herself so deep in a corner that nothing was the truth anymore and was very easy to see through.
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Old 09-30-2013, 01:21 PM
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Originally Posted by FB_ View Post
I found out about all of the stuff my ex did in about 30 layers.

Once busted she would provide some detail but only enough to be so small that it was inconsequential. I was also an idiot and my friends were telling me so, but I was ignoring it.

Each time she would lie another layer would come off. Eventually I got enough and eventually realized it wasn't going to change and I left. I'm sure I only knew about half of what happened.

Eventually her lies painted herself so deep in a corner that nothing was the truth anymore and was very easy to see through.
I used to wince about visiting my ex's church because it was clear she told many lies and I'd get asked about something and stand there with a strange look on my face.

My relatives also had her figured out, but were too polite to say anything.
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Old 09-30-2013, 02:57 PM
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Just to comment on Oink's work friend's situation....

An initial reaction would be that assuming he felt she genuinely felt bad about it would be to try and forgive her and work things out - we can all make mistakes.

HOWEVER, from a Family Law perspective.....

As we know, the longer the relationship the harsher the higher earning (usually male) spouse will be treated (ie. LONGER spousal and often MORE spousal support). You alluded he was young so perhaps its a young marriage with no kids. IF that's the case, I would recommend he DUMP her immediately - that way he can minimize or perhaps he even avoid spousal support and if there are no kids yet, then he's also very lucky. As well, as time goes on and they accumulate more wealth, again she'll get more money.

The bottom line is that strictly from a Family Law perspective, in my opinion, and from a financial view (which can influence your entire life), its best to dump a person sooner rather than dragging it out and then being hit harder financially years later when it finally falls apart.

Again, I suspect most guys who have a good income regret ever getting married at ALL now that they know how family law works....
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Old 09-30-2013, 10:21 PM
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This has been a very interesting digression, but I’d like to jump back in and address the original question – how to get over the anger.

Time.

It’s hard to accept that your marriage is over; you look at your wife and it’s like there are two of her, the person you chose to marry, and this evil twin who has abandoned you. Sadly, she may still look like your wife, but she isn’t anymore. By wearing your wife’s body, this woman, who checked out of the marriage a long time ago and didn’t do you the courtesy of letting you know, will use you to get what she wants if you don’t snap out of it.

It doesn’t matter how wonderful the marriage was at the start, that you have children, if there was cheating or not, etc. The marriage is over because she doesn’t want to work on it anymore. You can work as hard as you like on it, change as much as you can to please her, send as many flowery emails as possible, make the bathroom spotless every time you are in there, etc, but it won’t work because she is not receptive. You may see the marriage as savable with hard work, patience and effort, but she doesn’t and it can’t be one-sided.

Once you accept that, the anger will start to subside.

I suspect you are angry because your future is all messed up compared to what you thought it would be, and the person who was supposed to have your back throughout life is the one responsible. You feel hurt, betrayed, confused, and likely took a huge blow to the self-esteem. You may feel like you are the type of person people break up with, someone who isn’t worth the effort to stay with, etc. Truthfully though, SHE is the type of person who breaks up with people, SHE is the type who won’t put in the effort.

There are certainly factors in the death of the marriage that you contributed to with or without realizing it, and counselling is the place to explore that because understanding them may help with your acceptance and in future relationships, but that’s long term. The fact that you are willing to do it now with this woman is irrelevant because she isn’t on board.

Your anger doesn’t help you. Let it go. Learn some anger management techniques. Teach yourself alternatives to reacting with anger. Learn to recognize your physiological symptoms early and head things off at the pass. When something triggers it, stop a moment, take a few breaths, step back from the situation and do some thinking. Don’t be angry, be passionate. Be creative. Brainstorm a bunch of solutions and pick the one that is the most helpful in the long term.

And avoid the cause of your anger. Don’t engage your ex in conversation any more than you have to. Bring all communication to email, and only necessary ones. If an email makes you angry, don’t answer it right away. Set it aside for later.

You can’t make yourself stop loving her. But you can realize that the woman you loved is gone, and this woman happens to look like her, that’s all. You are now a widower, only it’s your marriage that died, not your wife.

Focus on yourself and your son. Use all your time with him to help him through the stressful transition. He may cry for her, but you are the parent that is there. If all had been well in the marriage but she had died, what would you have done to help him when you couldn’t call her? Do that. Take care of yourself; get reasonable exercise and eat healthy. Your body is under a lot of stress so look after it.

Ultimately, you did all you could to save the marriage, to the best of your ability. She did not. That’s all there is to it. Divorce is coming.

Concentrate on your son, be a good dad, and get a fair separation agreement.

50-50 custody
Offset CS
Fair equalization
SS from her to compensate you on everything you sacrificed for her education
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  #28 (permalink)  
Old 10-01-2013, 09:59 AM
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What has worked best for me is to just let it go.

I know it hard, but the marriage is over. Who cares what she does, who cares what she says, who cares, who cares, who cares.

It's funny my mom was cheated on about 8 years ago. My dad is still with the women and my mom has never gotten over it. My ex had an affair and that sent my mom wild. She has no idea why I can't be mad or angry or hateful towards her. I simply tell my mom to let it go, that it's not worth my energy.

Even though the guy she is with now was not "the one" my mom calls him names like trailer trash etc. I know one day she will slip and say it in front of the kids and that might upset them. I've asked her to stop but it seems to be her way of dealing with her anger. She does the same with my dad's gf.

Some people have a very hard time letting go. But if you really want to be happy in life you have to just forgive and forget, it's not worth your time.
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  #29 (permalink)  
Old 10-01-2013, 10:46 AM
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Living With Resentment Is Like Taking Poison and Hoping the Other Guy Will Get Sick
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Old 10-01-2013, 11:06 AM
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Quote:
It's funny my mom was cheated on about 8 years ago. My dad is still with the women and my mom has never gotten over it. My ex had an affair and that sent my mom wild.
My mom went through something similar and her reaction was the same with my step-father. Although she was not usually not the angry type at all..quite the opposite. She talked about the details of her divorce for years and years...used to drive me nuts.

I didn't have that experience. My ex didn't cheat on me that I know of but I wouldn't have cared if he had. In fact, it was something I'd offer up to him to get him to stop bugging me for sex. Today, I don't know anything about my ex's personal life and have zero curiosity. In fact, the last thing I want to think about is whatever romantic life he has...kind of grosses me out.

The only thing that I've struggled with a bit is the few times things have happened during his parenting time that I consider dangerous or detrimental to my kid. (ie, getting into a car accident where my kid smashed the passenger window out with her head and he doesn't think its necessary to take her to the ER to have the lump checked out...or his screaming at her constantly...or his leaving her alone for entire days).

Quote:
I know one day she will slip and say it in front of the kids and that might upset them. I've asked her to stop but it seems to be her way of dealing with her anger. She does the same with my dad's gf.
I found that I had to stop telling my family anything to do with my divorce. I found out that when I wasn't around, they'd discuss it amongst themselves and I wasn't ok with that. I quickly came to the place where I'd only confide things to my bf...he keeps it to himself and offers me excellent advice where I need it and I don't have to worry about it getting back to the kids. If your mom can't disengage, you might have to get a little more forceful...you're right that its bad for the kids when your family is negatively emotionally invested in your divorce. Its surprising how intuitive they are and what they pick up on...even when they're young.

Quote:
Some people have a very hard time letting go.
I haven't had any issues letting go but its because I was divorced emotionally a long time before I finally got the courage to start the legal process. I spent 8-10 years fantasizing about being on my own. I've heard of other people in the same circumstance not having trouble with the emotional part of divorce..just the legal part.
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