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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 09-29-2013, 03:33 AM
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Default How to get over the anger.

Hello, I am really struggling to get through this. I don't understand divorce as the thought has never crossed my mind. I am still very much in love, and want to continue to work things out. My wife however, is done.

We have been married for 11 years and we've been faithful to eachother. I've been able to provide for us financially. We started fighting about two years ago when my wife went back to school after having our son. She was stressed, tired, and wanted me to do more. We had a live-in nanny, she cooked and cleaned and we both were excellent parents to our son. My nanny got pregnant, quit and thing got worse. We went through 3 more nannies in the next six months, then had my father look after our son for about a month. We decided to put him in a day home.

My wife started cutting me off from sex. This in turn made me upset and I grew a short fuse. We would fight about cleaning and sex. She would tell me, "pick up your clothes off the floor." Or, "dry the drops of water after you shower." I did so and thusly expected attendance to improve in the sack. It never did so (foolishly), got more upset and called her names. I felt like a dog doing tricks for a treat.

Ultimately, we went to therapy twice, I found out how hurt she was and vowed to drop the anger. Which actually was easy. It was like a switch.

Things got better, for about a month. Then she started talking of divorce. We have VERY different views on divorce. We started fighting again. I got angry again, and she was done.

I guess my rant is that it really felt like we were making progress. To me at least. I feel like I can offer her so much. We never fought about our son, money, there was NEVER any physical abuse. Just sex, or lack thereof, and cleaning ( after therapy I cleaned like crazy, I still am).

Bottom line is I believe our problems are all solvable with hard work, patience and time. We lose so much being apart.

Now I am hurt beyond belief, confused, angry at her and the situation, and desperately sad. My son cries every night for his mother. I haven't been able to keep him for my full four days as I invite her over so she can sleep with him. I do so because just for a fleeting moment, I can feel like a family once again.

I can't make her love me, but I can't stop loving her. I harass her with love emails and texts, then lash out and question why she is giving up.

I am not handling this well.

Time will heal me I know. I just want to keep trying. I don't know what to do as we are prepping to do battle via lawyers and I know it won't be pretty for either of us. I just love her so much. I want to try. But there's no trail separation, no more than two therapy sessions, only lawyers and more fighting.

This is a nightmare.
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Old 09-29-2013, 06:18 AM
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It is going to get worse for you as she and her lawyer and your lawyer will plow through you. 3 cold and ferocious people against 1 emotionally vulnerable. It is not going to be nice.
Cleaning for sex is familiar. No, it didn't work.
You can't fix this relationship, regardless of how you clean everything or where you put your clothes.
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Old 09-29-2013, 10:03 AM
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That's funny. I'm back in school too. I have kids, essays, exams, housework, and two part-time jobs. This is obviously all your fault.

Stop having your ex over: it is killing you It is not helping your child adjust, it is just teaching that crying gets them what they want. It is also putting your shared custody level at risk, and giving her the argument that you cannot cope with parenting on your own.

Your reality is that your marriage is over. Live this reality, organize around it, and grow with it.
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Old 09-29-2013, 10:12 AM
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its takes two to make a marriage work and all the love emails wont help. She doesnt want to work on it so all you can do is work on yourself.

One thing that stood out like a sore thumb to me is you stating you can turn your anger on and off like a switch. You dont think she has figured that out also? That in a heartbeat you can get angry? That would be a scary thing for me if a partner of mine could be like that.
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Old 09-29-2013, 11:26 AM
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Often people can notice that switch and turn it on and off for you. Baiting you into a fight where you lose your temper. Then of course you are wrong and have to apologise, and/or they have justification to do what they want because you are guilty.
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Old 09-29-2013, 11:33 AM
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Many group projects can still be successful if one person doesn't pull their own weight and the other person has to overcompensate. A marriage is never one of them.

She checked out of the marriage a long time ago, and you're only just now finding out. Seek counselling to help you adjust to her absence, be a good father to your child, and don't dwell on your situation. And absolutely stop sending her emails and inviting her over.

As I recall your situation, you guys married very young. The world is out there for you.
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Old 09-29-2013, 01:20 PM
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Quote:
My wife started cutting me off from sex. This in turn made me upset and I grew a short fuse. We would fight about cleaning and sex. She would tell me, "pick up your clothes off the floor." Or, "dry the drops of water after you shower." I did so and thusly expected attendance to improve in the sack. It never did so (foolishly), got more upset and called her names. I felt like a dog doing tricks for a treat.
Some of this reminds me a lot of my own marriage.

One thing for any future relationship that you have. You never ask (which always comes off as begging) for sex from a woman if you want to continue having a relationship long term. Its one of the biggest turn-offs for women. Also if you're doing things just to get sex from your wife....ugh, over time that had to be a horrible amount of pressure for her. You basically turned sex into a chore for her. That's not passionate or intimate or loving. There's nothing that can turn a woman that enjoys sex into being frigid faster than that behavior. Trust me on that. That you added anger issues into it, you killed any chance you had. She was probably afraid to say no for a long time, then was willing to do battle to not have sex because it was so awful for her....bad, bad sign that you didn't understand.

Quote:
Bottom line is I believe our problems are all solvable with hard work, patience and time. We lose so much being apart.
You're very very wrong. Once its gone, its gone. The idea of having sex (with you) becomes repulsive. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. If you get into another relationship...take care of your wife with the expectation of nothing in return....and if you're with the right woman, she'll take care of you back. When you love someone, you take care of them...you appreciate them...period. You don't need to pressure them for sex. Your wife probably felt unappreciated, unloved and pressured due to your anger issues. You couldn't have sabotaged your sex life more effectively than you did. You need to continue working on understanding this for your next relationship.

And trust me on this too...its over. I truly do not believe you can recover once you hit this point in a relationship. Its good that she ended the marriage. She's mentally divorced from you already and probably already working on finding someone else.


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I am not handling this well.

Time will heal me I know. I just want to keep trying. I don't know what to do as we are prepping to do battle via lawyers and I know it won't be pretty for either of us. I just love her so much. I want to try. But there's no trail separation, no more than two therapy sessions, only lawyers and more fighting
You need to understand that long, long, long before you realized it, she was emotionally divorced from you. So while this is new to you, she's been gone for a very long time. She's doing you a favor by divorcing you.

She sounds like she's trying to work with you on being good parents. And that's great for your son. Put him first and by the way, you're doing the same thing you did with cleaning..only now you're using the child to manipulate your ex into a relationship. This is soooo wrong. You need to stop this behavior. Your ex sees right through it anyway and its simply making you even more unattractive to her but more important its manipulative, abuse and until you stop doing this stuff, you're sabotaging your chance to have a future healthy relationship with someone else.

Accept that everything in life happens for a reason. Embrace the change and find a way to understand your failures so that you can move on in a healthy way to someone you can spend your life with. Be a good parent and let your ex wife move on.

Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 09-29-2013 at 01:26 PM.
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Old 09-29-2013, 02:10 PM
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and one big thing that turns women off sex is when it becomes a routine. Same foreplay, same postition, same place etc.
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Old 09-29-2013, 02:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
One thing for any future relationship that you have. You never ask (which always comes off as begging) for sex from a woman if you want to continue having a relationship long term. Its one of the biggest turn-offs for women. Also if you're doing things just to get sex from your wife....ugh, over time that had to be a horrible amount of pressure for her. You basically turned sex into a chore for her. That's not passionate or intimate or loving.
That must be one of the most fundamental disconnects between men and women. (Commence generalization!) Men do whatever chores they think it takes to hopefully get some sex, and think they are expressing love with the sex. Women want the expression of love to occur before the sex, and expect chores to be unrelated. Trading chores for sex equalizes sex WITH chores.

I should probably have expressed that in a less gender-specific way, but it would have sounded awkward. I'm sure you know what I mean.

Anyways, yes, the poster would be well-advised to seek counselling, both for getting through the current emotional turmoil, and learning to be a better partner in a subsequent relationship.
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Old 09-29-2013, 03:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
and one big thing that turns women off sex is when it becomes a routine. Same foreplay, same postition, same place etc.
That turns men off too.
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