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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2017, 03:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Maybe being involved daily in a message forum of this nature isn't making it easier for you. You tend to contribute a significant amount. Often, it is better to vertically focus on one's own problem than try to contribute to other threads.

It isn't being selfish at all. You have a real and immediate problem. Resolve that first before venturing out and offering advice beyond your own vertical issues. Ignore the rest maybe?

Makes me feel damn good to look out for fathers that are headed to the same fire pit I'm trying to escape , and to tell off mothers who are trying to throw other father's inside the same fire pits.

sometimes I get very good advice here, and sometimes I get advice that smells worst than a trashcan full of expired fish.

but you are right, being involved daily doesn't help.


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You have a real and immediate problem.
That's the biggest part of the problem. The courts don't see it as an immediate problem to order a trial on. It's been going on for way too long. They keep getting me to consent to things hoping I will just "go away" . I don't just "go away". Consent days are over. Nothing is ever getting consented to again unless it has everything in it that I want. I'll fight until I get what I know is best for my child. With every cent, and every dime and nickel to my name.

Last edited by trinton; 03-24-2017 at 04:01 PM.
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2017, 03:55 PM
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And this is where your issue is: its not that you CAN'T detach, its that you DON'T WANT to detach.

Instead of focusing on your ex and what she has planned/is planning, think about your needs and wants outside of this. You have your child two days a week? What are you doing the other days? Plotting your battle? Planning revenge? Gnashing your teeth? You need to give yourself say 30 mins a day on the days you dont have your kid OR LEGAL REVIEW/WORK and do something you enjoy. Even if its drinking a glass of wine or reading the paper.

Every day dont wake up thinking "what will she do to me today" "how will my child feel without me in her life" and think "oh the weather will be nice, Ill go walk to the park" or something similar.

Whether you want to admit it or not trinton you are allowing yourself to be consumed by this because you are focused on beating/controlling your ex. The moment you approach this as living your life and focusing on your needs and your daughters needs, you will see an opportunity to detach.

You are not a victim and you dont need to "get" your ex. Its a process you are working through to be a part of your childs life. Let the shit with your hatred for your ex go.
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  #13 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2017, 04:09 PM
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Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
you are focused on beating/controlling your ex.
See it's the other way around. She is beating and controlling me every step of the way. I can't have a proper holiday with my child. I'm told when to see her, when to pick her up, and when to drop her off, and from where and to where. I have no say in anything concerning my child.

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Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
The moment you approach this as living your life and focusing on your needs and your daughters needs, you will see an opportunity to detach.
I am focused on her needs, but I am helpless and powerless. Nothing I say counts or matters. I'm just a paycheque.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
You are not a victim and you dont need to "get" your ex. Its a process you are working through to be a part of your childs life. Let the shit with your hatred for your ex go.

I am a victim. I was cut out of my childs life, and turned into a visitor. I was never given any legal aid lawyer when she was, though we were fully eligible. Not only was I victim, I was also discriminated against. I'm not trying to "get" my "ex". I'm trying to "get" my "child" "back".

As long as I love my child more than I hate my ex, I think i'll be okay.
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  #14 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2017, 08:22 PM
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Originally Posted by trinton View Post
That's the biggest problem. The other parent is a control freak. It's her way or the highway.

Second job? so I can be slammed with double child support and expected to pay that amount for the rest of my life? You've got to be kidding me. How is that going to help me increase my access? That would help mom's case indeed.

I'm really not interested in anything but spending more time with my child and having proper access, holiday access, and decision making, as well as child support from the mother to help out with the costs of raising up a child.
you wanna win.. and I think you want revenge

on each and every issue... this is consuming you

Is the amount of child support you would be entitled to from the mother really that much? (if you had a 50/50 situation)? Enough to spend thousands and thousands on lawyers? ... doesn't make sense to me.... doesn't add up.

You obsess over things (3rd party babysitter... how to approach teachers at school).... I think you need to learn how to relax. Personal counselling may or may not help (you have to be willing to make some changes in your life).
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  #15 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2017, 09:13 PM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
you wanna win.. and I think you want revenge

on each and every issue... this is consuming you

Is the amount of child support you would be entitled to from the mother really that much? (if you had a 50/50 situation)? Enough to spend thousands and thousands on lawyers? ... doesn't make sense to me.... doesn't add up.

You obsess over things (3rd party babysitter... how to approach teachers at school).... I think you need to learn how to relax. Personal counselling may or may not help (you have to be willing to make some changes in your life).
I've been wanting to talk to you about this. I've noticed in a lot of threads where mom's are seeking support, you give it to them biasedly. I've also noticed in a lot of my threads you're somewhat anti-men. I understand you're not the happiest camper with what your ex did to you but that doesn't necessarily mean that all men are the same.

I don't obsess over anything. I'm a very cautious person. I do know how to relax. But parents don't just relax when their child is hurting. I'm already doing personal counselling. Been doing it for a while. I have made tons and tons of sacrifices and changes in my life for my daughter, and will continue to do so.

If you would be more supportive of me, I would appreciate that. Otherwise, if you're going to jump on that "he just wants more time to reduce his child support" bang-wagon, then I'll likely need to put you on the ignore list. I'm not a big fan of people who jump to conclusions like that. Should I start accusing every-mother that comes on here of just wanting custody or primary access just to win and seek revenge just because they asked for child support and/or spousal support?
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  #16 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2017, 09:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trinton View Post
I've been wanting to talk to you about this. I've noticed in a lot of threads where mom's are seeking support, you give it to them biasedly. I've also noticed in a lot of my threads you're somewhat anti-men. I understand you're not the happiest camper with what your ex did to you but that doesn't necessarily mean that all men are the same.

I don't obsess over anything. I'm a very cautious person. I do know how to relax. But parents don't just relax when their child is hurting. I'm already doing personal counselling. Been doing it for a while. I have made tons and tons of sacrifices and changes in my life for my daughter, and will continue to do so.

If you would be more supportive of me, I would appreciate that. Otherwise, if you're going to jump on that "he just wants more time to reduce his child support" bang-wagon, then I'll likely need to put you on the ignore list. I'm not a big fan of people who jump to conclusions like that. Should I start accusing every-mother that comes on here of just wanting custody or primary access just to win and seek revenge just because they asked for child support and/or spousal support?


I would I interpret Arabian's comments as actually trying to be supportive of you. You can tell she thinks about what to say before saying it. I believe she calls it like she sees it, man or woman. You don't have to agree with everyone here. I think it is consuming you too. I can literally feel the hurt you are going through in every post and do feel badly for you.
I think Arabian and others are trying to tell you that like it or not, your situation is what it is for now (access parent) and you need to try to be more positive and focus on the good things you have right now. Negativity often bleeds through into all areas of one's life, even the ability to properly parent. You may not even realize. Your child may even sense it. It's f'n stressful, I know!! You need an off button though. Don't post so much. Find an outlet. Exercise? Just keep your eye on the goal but try not to obsess about the situation you're in so much.


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  #17 (permalink)  
Old 03-24-2017, 10:26 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by trinton View Post
I've been wanting to talk to you about this. I've noticed in a lot of threads where mom's are seeking support, you give it to them biasedly. I've also noticed in a lot of my threads you're somewhat anti-men. I understand you're not the happiest camper with what your ex did to you but that doesn't necessarily mean that all men are the same.

I don't obsess over anything. I'm a very cautious person. I do know how to relax. But parents don't just relax when their child is hurting. I'm already doing personal counselling. Been doing it for a while. I have made tons and tons of sacrifices and changes in my life for my daughter, and will continue to do so.

If you would be more supportive of me, I would appreciate that. Otherwise, if you're going to jump on that "he just wants more time to reduce his child support" bang-wagon, then I'll likely need to put you on the ignore list. I'm not a big fan of people who jump to conclusions like that. Should I start accusing every-mother that comes on here of just wanting custody or primary access just to win and seek revenge just because they asked for child support and/or spousal support?

Interesting you made this into a male/female thing. I am even more disappointed that you think I don't have a brain and can only express myself in terms of gender and that I will only side with women.

I am being supportive of you in that I reply to your post. Consider yourself lucky.

I guess you aren't at that place yet where you are able to hear things that you disagree with.

Okay, carry on. Perhaps only people who agree with you will post in your threads.

I will not respond to your threads/posts in the future.
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  #18 (permalink)  
Old 03-25-2017, 12:02 AM
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If arabians theory is correct, then Ange must only be opposing that 50-50 arrangement to "punish" the father and "win"

Is the amount of child support she would be entitled to from the father really that much different? (if she agreed to a 50/50 situation)? Enough for Ange to spend thousands and thousands on lawyers? ... doesn't make sense to arabian.... doesn't add up. it's apparently a number game and all about money.

I do see that you posted something arabian, but I don't actually see it. Take a guess.

Last edited by trinton; 03-25-2017 at 12:13 AM.
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  #19 (permalink)  
Old 03-25-2017, 12:03 PM
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You asked how you detach but don't want to hear about how to detach... the truth is you will never detach because you are so obsessed with your case. I'm not saying you are wrong to be obsessing but if it's consuming your life only you can change that. You are letting it consume your life.

No one is saying don't fight for your child but every aspect of your life doesn't have to be about the legal issues going on. When you don't have a letter or something to respond to stop thinking about it. Stop worrying about how going out with your friends might be used against you, stop worrying about missing events with your daughter on your time. Mom dictates everything because you let her. You have scheduled time she cannot tell you what you can and cannot do on your scheduled time.

No one can help you with this until you learn to let go a little bit. It's not easy at all and we often let certain things in life consume us but the reality is you need to let go of you want to detach.


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  #20 (permalink)  
Old 03-25-2017, 04:02 PM
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I think it's ok to recognize the divorce and process and traumatic and can "Engulf" you.

I also think properly managing the divorce process and letting yourself be concerned with it is a good thing. The repercussions that come out of your divorce will impact you, and your children till you die.

I've never regretted for one minute the time I spent on the divorce. I am a 100% better, smarter, informed and better person because of it.

That being said, you need to recognize that you are either engaging in conflict because you are looking out for your best interests and the best interests of your kids or because you are stupid. As long as you can "make a difference" then spend the time, learning and researching. Once the conflict is over, move on to something else keeping the lessons about the injustice of the legal system.
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