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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #1 (permalink)  
Old 03-23-2017, 11:15 PM
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Default how do you detach from the legal aspect

I've found myself to be somewhat too attached to the legal aspect. This all started with my old lawyer sending me court documents and asking me to respond to them. trigged a lot of anxiety because a) i'm not a lawyer and b) I don't respond to legal documents.

ended up parting away with that lawyer and have a new lawyer, who looks at things and knows whats up right away.

I still find myself always so caught up in the legal aspects, how the argument would pan out, what she may use against me, what I could use against her, and so on and so forth..

how do you detach yourself from all the legal aspect and just focus on the kids? I mean how can you under a microscope where everything and anything you do counts in your favour or against you ? Especially with the other parent always flaming you when you ask for more time?

How do you build a case to show you're a good parent? I am involved in teh child's schooling, etc.

I think what also contributes is the courts stubbornness of dealing with my proceedings. it is taking too long and the judges are getting irritated by how long it has been taking.
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Old 03-24-2017, 01:52 AM
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It's almost impossible to compartmentalize your life into kids or legal focus when going through the painful hell of family court litigation. The litigation is like a black cloud hanging over your head that follows you in the room when your kids are there. It's hard to concentrate on the kids when it's raining on your head.

I have been in this hell now for nearly 6 years. For me, the legal bs was like floating in a wave pool. Your always standing in it and every once in a while the waves start, knocking you off your feet.

Sometimes I just had to pretend that everything was ok when with the kids. Plan your time with them. Try to concentrate on the here and now when you're with them. Emotional pain is associated with time travel. You're either thinking about all the aweful things that have happened or you're worrying about the aweful things that are going to happen. Take a deep breath.
You're a good father because you care enough to make the effort to see your kids. Not all fathers do.

Good luck and stay strong.
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Old 03-24-2017, 11:14 AM
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Maybe being involved daily in a message forum of this nature isn't making it easier for you. You tend to contribute a significant amount. Often, it is better to vertically focus on one's own problem than try to contribute to other threads.

It isn't being selfish at all. You have a real and immediate problem. Resolve that first before venturing out and offering advice beyond your own vertical issues. Ignore the rest maybe?
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Old 03-24-2017, 11:53 AM
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I agree with Tayken

I am in the same boat it can take allot out of you. I try and be the best parent I can be with my kids and I find being busy with them is a great support for all of this.
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Old 03-24-2017, 12:10 PM
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Originally Posted by zanman View Post
I agree with Tayken

I am in the same boat it can take allot out of you. I try and be the best parent I can be with my kids and I find being busy with them is a great support for all of this.
To this point... I believe William Eddy wrote an article (trying to find it) about being hyper vigilant over your divorce and how it can actually make your situation worse. It is almost like "Divorce PTSD" although it is not post (after) but, more like a current TSD.

Everyone needs to know that every little allegation, every little thing, and every little comment doesn't always require a response. It is hard for many people to sort out what is relevant and what really isn't.

Also, being too vigilant with it all can cause you to make significant mistakes. It can make you look "controlling" or "high conflict".

I personally think that many people experience an adjustment disorder (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adjustment_disorder) after divorce that goes untreated. The major stressor being the divorce (custody, access, etc...) which brings major change.

If your divorce is starting to take up a considerable amount of your time and causes you anxiety there is NOTHING WRONG with seeking assistance from a psychologist/psychiatrist. Mental health is important to parent! Very important.

If you find yourself thinking about your divorce and what you need to do about it too much then it is time to talk to someone. I always recommend a clinician who practices Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. CBT is great for technical thinkers who often over-analyze their situations.

Clearly, you have recognized Trinton that your divorce is engulfing your life and impacting you personally. Now may be the time to seek some help. It isn't a bad thing. Actually, it is a good thing. Talking to a professional can help you notice your emotions and help you react to them better.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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Old 03-24-2017, 12:49 PM
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Default how do you detach from the legal aspect

My partner struggles with this and hes not even in litigation. I constantly have to remind him that allowing it to consume him mentally is impacting him physically and also his emotional connections to those around him. He is consumed with how his ex's behaviour is "wrong" and cant comprehend why she would want to do these things to his kids. He doesn't realize that his ex thinks shes doing what is right and there is no arguing against it. I finally put my foot down after he had let her owing him money consume him for several months. He wasnt sleeping, was having anxiety attacks, lashed out at his friends and coworkers etc. He saw it as he was stressed out and I didnt understand. I finally was able to make him see that this thin thread he was hanging onto was just going to break and leave him with nothing. Since that point he has been trying to detach and focus on things he enjoys. And also focusing on his physical health. Eating better, exercising, getting more sleep. He still worries but he tries to leave those things he cant control aside. This is done by spending 20 mins talking about what he would like to do and working through potential results. I have seen a marked improvement in his happiness level and also his physical health. Its not perfect but we both stop when we see ourselves falling into that hole of "why is she doing x". Its almost like refocusing on something positive.

I know this may not be easy for those in litigation but my best suggestion is to limit yourself to a few minutes a day where you will think/talk about it and then move on. Spend your free moments focusing on positive aspects like weekend plans, summer plans etc. Go outside and get some fresh air. Spend time with your kids. Yes it sucks what your ex is doing and they are the ones who will suffer the consequences of their decisions. Your kids will have the positive aspect of your "fight" rather than the negative aspect.

Bottom line is you HAVE to detach. Find a way to do so whether its big or small but do so. Otherwise it will consume you and possibly shorten your life.

ETA: I sent my partner to our local family services several years ago. He had been divorced (and still fighting) with his ex, had moved, had lost his job and was in the beginning stages of parental alienation. I couldn't reach him and told him if he didn't see someone to talk I would end our relationship because I couldn't watch him continue to suffer. He got some very helpful tips and tricks to deal with what was happening. He still leans on those today when necessary. Talk therapy is not a bad thing and it does not mean you have a problem with yourself. It is simply a tool to deal with the problem of your divorce and helps you cope.

Last edited by rockscan; 03-24-2017 at 12:53 PM.
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Old 03-24-2017, 01:59 PM
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Control freaks have difficulty letting go of things and become extremely agitated when things don't go the way that they "think" things should go or when someone doesn't behave the way that they "think" they should behave.

Control freaks obsess over whether someone likes them or not. Control freaks have a tendency to read too much into simple day-to-day situations or conversations with others.... forever in the conspiracy mode.

Control freaks spend inordinate amounts of time obsessing over details.

Self-admittedly I believe I have a tendency to be a control freak. Recognizing this is what made the difference for me. It wasn't easy.

I would suggest that you pick up a second job or immerse yourself in a time-consuming activity which has absolutely nothing to do with your ongoing litigation. In other words, you need to distract yourself. Ideally you need to find a new interest which will offer challenges.
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Old 03-24-2017, 03:25 PM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Control freaks have difficulty letting go of things and become extremely agitated when things don't go the way that they "think" things should go or when someone doesn't behave the way that they "think" they should behave.

Control freaks obsess over whether someone likes them or not. Control freaks have a tendency to read too much into simple day-to-day situations or conversations with others.... forever in the conspiracy mode.

Control freaks spend inordinate amounts of time obsessing over details.

Self-admittedly I believe I have a tendency to be a control freak. Recognizing this is what made the difference for me. It wasn't easy.

I would suggest that you pick up a second job or immerse yourself in a time-consuming activity which has absolutely nothing to do with your ongoing litigation. In other words, you need to distract yourself. Ideally you need to find a new interest which will offer challenges.
That's the biggest problem. The other parent is a control freak. It's her way or the highway.

Second job? so I can be slammed with double child support and expected to pay that amount for the rest of my life? You've got to be kidding me. How is that going to help me increase my access? That would help mom's case indeed.

I'm really not interested in anything but spending more time with my child and having proper access, holiday access, and decision making, as well as child support from the mother to help out with the costs of raising up a child.

Last edited by trinton; 03-24-2017 at 03:38 PM.
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Old 03-24-2017, 03:30 PM
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Spend your free moments focusing on positive aspects like weekend plans, summer plans etc.
there are no positive aspects of such. There are no weekend plans. Weekends are dictated by mom and I already do all of the driving or my access get's reduced. Yes she's a control freak.

summar plans? Mom says I can't have proper summer plans unless it is to her terms and conditions, and I have to take the child to the activity she has enrolled the child in or I don't get summer plans. What summer plans are you talking about there are no joyful holidays with our final order. Ask me how our march break was.

I think the biggest issue is the courts taking so godman long to deal with this. There just has been way too many adjournments.
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Old 03-24-2017, 03:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
If your divorce is starting to take up a considerable amount of your time and causes you anxiety there is NOTHING WRONG with seeking assistance from a psychologist/psychiatrist. Mental health is important to parent! Very important.

Clearly, you have recognized Trinton that your divorce is engulfing your life and impacting you personally. Now may be the time to seek some help. It isn't a bad thing. Actually, it is a good thing. Talking to a professional can help you notice your emotions and help you react to them better.

Good Luck!
Tayken
Already have that. It doesn't give me more time with my child or more decision making power. Which is the root cause of the problem. I'd like more time with my child, and I'd like to be able to make decisions and be involved in those decisions. I'm also the child's parent.
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