Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce Support

Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #11 (permalink)  
Old 10-25-2013, 02:44 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 505
takeontheworld has a little shameless behaviour in the past
Default

We arent yet living together.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 10-25-2013, 04:16 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Toronto
Posts: 5,448
Mess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the roughMess is a jewel in the rough
Default

As much as we are all facinated by takeontheworld's engagement, please don't derail the thread.

When an order is signed or an agreement is filed, it goes automatically to FRO. If Stubbs is not being garnisheed or paying to the FRO, then there is no order, or else the ex has already waived the collection process.

So nothing is going to happen unless the ex actually contacts the FRO and asks for collection to proceed.

In terms of collecting arrears, at this point the ex would need to establish the amount by a court order. I do not believe one can simply call up the FRO after a period of years and state that there are arrears.

Regarding going back to court, there is a very strong argument here that there was a verbal agreement, the ex did not take action against the amount paid, communication was ongoing, nothing was hidden, disclosure was made, and payments were made in good faith.

I do not believe the ex has a strong case for arrears, but of course it may depend on which judge you get on a given day.
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 10-25-2013, 06:43 PM
wretchedotis's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: ON
Posts: 2,317
wretchedotis is on a distinguished road
Default

Learn from your mistakes.

Obviously the other side is not to be trusted, lock that knowledge in the vault.

I won't give any advice on how to dig yourself out of that hole - as others have said what I would also advise. Please remember, as far as I know - there are no lawyers that post regularly on this site so take everything with a grain of salt.

I will share with you how I helped myself when I was very down - and that was by going to the gym.

You don't have to push massive iron, or run marathons when there. But the benefits of exercise on your mental health is proven.

Good luck.
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 10-25-2013, 10:02 PM
Rioe's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 3,248
Rioe will become famous soon enough
Default

Exercise. As mentioned, it really helps with the mental stuff, and makes you healthier too.

Documentation. FRO is not going to find you in horrible arrears if you can prove all the payments you made directly to your ex.

Strategy. She gave you a key clue about negotiating with her. She craves security. You need security too. If mediation has ground to a halt, get back in court. If judges have agreed that a lesser amount of CS is appropriate in your case, get a court order saying that and you will be safe from FRO.

Budget. Table CS is annoying if it's going to a higher income household, but it isn't designed to break your bank. Where is the rest of your financial trouble coming from, and can you tackle any of that? Having a written-down financial plan will help you feel more in control of your life.

Depression stems a lot from feeling out of control, at least in my experience. It manifests when you feel you are not in control of your life, that you are just a leaf on a mighty river. Find little places where you can regain that control, get a bit more stability, and then start tackling the bigger places.
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 10-25-2013, 11:39 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 2,838
stripes is on a distinguished road
Default

I don't have anything to add about FRO and orders, but what I can say is - whatever makes you feel even a little bit better, do a lot of it. Going for a walk around the block, looking at funny cat videos, eating fruit, etc - as long as the thing that makes you feel better isn't going to hurt you in the long run (getting drunk, spending money you don't have etc). And find someone objective you can talk to.

Seeing a counsellor might be good. Friends are great, but I found that when I talked a lot with friends, one of two things would happen: either they would support all my negative feelings about the ex ("he's such an a**hole, he's terrible", etc), which was reassuring at first but didn't really help me move out of the negative space; or I would find that I didn't really want to tell them about how badly off I was, still really distraught about the separation even after months/years had gone by. I found it was easier to be honest with a counsellor because I wasn't as worried that she would think I was a loser. I figured that no matter how messed up I appeared, she had seen worse.

It speaks well for you that even though you have a great supportive partner, you're not clinging to her like a life raft, and you're working on how to make things better for yourself through your own actions. Good for you on that score.
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 10-26-2013, 10:22 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 53
Stubbs is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks to everyone for their input. I know there were a lot of questions, and it's hard to address them all... Probably the biggest question people have is about the FRO issue. Even I have trouble answering that, because my ex doesn't share this info with me.

Here's the outline of the Fro issue in point form:

- SA was made in 2009, and we agreed that I'd just give her post-dated cheques a year at a time.

- I never missed a payment, and only a couple of times I asked if she could just wait one extra day because of the biweekly nature of my paydays.

- By 2011 my work schedule changed radically so I only had to work 4 days a week with very flexible time off and lots of vacation and stat days, so I asked for mediation to alter the SA to increase my access to closer to 50% and reduce my support (she began living with her affair partner the day I moved out).

- She refused to change anything, so I began legal proceedings. This angered her, so she filed with FRO for revenge, as she knew it would affect my credit rating.

- The first Judge suggested we mediate with the lawyers, and we compromised on more days and less support (with many other outstanding issues).

- (Here's where it gets tricky...) The new access and support arrangement went by another judge, where at that point the ex was supposed to file it with FRO. I have no idea if she ever did.

- By the next court appearance, my lawyer and I had made significant progress and the Judge was sympathetic, but insisted we mediate the final details ourselves.

- Bored yet...?

- We mediated with our lawyers present and I successfully increased my days and decreased my support. At the beginning it was $1000 a month, and now I was at $465. The ex refused to let me get near 40% access, of course. The mediator told her that she had to contact FRO again to notify them to suspend any action with arrears because our new arrangement was going to begin immediately and there wasn't a court order to file with the amount yet. It was left that we had to finish some things ourselves and the mediator would finalize it, and sign it, file it and whatever for us.

- Flash forward and I have no idea if she ever contacted FRO. The ex didn't do her part for any of the paperwork and refused to go back to finalize things and just kept blowing me off about signing anything after I did all the paperwork myself.


I'm terrified to contact FRO, for fear that they'll pounce on me. But I haven't paid the full 2009 SA amount to them in almost 3 years, so I have no idea where my arrears might be. At a court appearance last year her lawyer said it was around $3500. I just don't know....
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 10-26-2013, 10:32 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 53
Stubbs is on a distinguished road
Default

I'd like to address other things you fine folks have spoke of as well, because I don't want to veer off-topic.

I guess my big issue is the "Divorced Dad" trope that I'm slowly becoming. My kids love 'The Simpsons', but when we watch it and Milhouse's Dad shows up, I see myself.

The hardest thing about the spiral down (for me, at least) is not being able to relate to most people anymore. All of my coworkers are married with houses and all the standard benchmarks for people in their 40s and 50s. And I have an apartment and a cat. My life savings and my childrens' education fund are long gone.

The worst part was the other night when I was invited over to some acquaintances' place for a beer. I didn't know them very well, and they asked about the divorce and where I live and whatnot, and then I got what every Divorced Dad dreads:

That uncomfortable look of pity. All these nice guys with nice jobs and nice wives and nice houses and nice cars looked at me like a sad cautionary example.

THAT my friends is a very tough pill to swallow.
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 10-26-2013, 10:48 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 53
Stubbs is on a distinguished road
Default

Another thought...

I have a hard time with counselors. It's probably because in my work I deal with problem-solving in a very fast-paced and practical environment (it's airport operations and emergency services).

I've talked to counselors before, and while they're always sympathetic I've found that they never have any empathy. They're all well-to-do and married, and I've asked if they've ever been truly "poor" or not been allowed to see their kids or have lost everything and the answer is always "no".

So when I'm paying $120 an hour to someone who drives a BMW, telling them how I had to go to the food bank to feed my kids, it does little to help put things in perspective and I usually feel a bit worse for it.

Do I sound like a crazy person here...? I hope not...
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 10-26-2013, 11:59 PM
Rioe's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 3,248
Rioe will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Stubbs View Post
The hardest thing about the spiral down (for me, at least) is not being able to relate to most people anymore. All of my coworkers are married with houses and all the standard benchmarks for people in their 40s and 50s. And I have an apartment and a cat. My life savings and my childrens' education fund are long gone.

The worst part was the other night when I was invited over to some acquaintances' place for a beer. I didn't know them very well, and they asked about the divorce and where I live and whatnot, and then I got what every Divorced Dad dreads:

That uncomfortable look of pity. All these nice guys with nice jobs and nice wives and nice houses and nice cars looked at me like a sad cautionary example.
I find that it's a mistake to look at other people and imagine that everything in their lives is A-okay just because they are married. Most people keep their turmoil hidden.

How old are your children? You describe your ex as bound and determined to keep you away from 40%, but your children will eventually reach an age where they can overrule her. Do everything you can to stay strong in their lives and you'll never be a Milhouse dad.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 10-27-2013, 02:27 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 53
Stubbs is on a distinguished road
Default

They're 8 & 10. They love their Mother, but they're also afraid of standing up to her. She very subtly intimidates them.

Unfortunately, she's a very persuasive person and she knows how to play people, my children included.

As many of you know, kids at this age are a special challenge. They think, feel and talk perfectly well, but there are so many things that they don't (and *shouldn't*) understand at this age.
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
How to advise FRO of business being sheltered to avoid support anxious Financial Issues 6 08-18-2013 05:47 PM
Dental appointment...want to avoid the drama this year dad2bandm Parenting Issues 6 08-01-2013 07:19 PM
trying to avoid court..failing janedoe99 Divorce & Family Law 9 03-14-2012 12:54 AM
bankruptcy to avoid equalization payment amin99 Divorce & Family Law 36 10-25-2011 09:10 PM
Can a spouse quit their job and thereby avoid spousal support? pawood Divorce & Family Law 4 05-01-2011 01:27 PM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 12:07 AM.