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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 04-29-2012, 09:16 PM
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Default How do you all respond to the petty stuff ?

Since the 'explosion' last Sunday, my ex is sending countless notes about stupid stuff. (One example so you have an idea...we switch Sundays @ 4:00pm and do week on/week off. With the temperature today, our 6 year old didn't want to wear socks. He's freaking out because he didn't have socks on and and now he'll be short a pair.)
This small stuff doesn't bother me and I don't even notice...he's freaking out about everything...I almost reached my data usage max for the month, and I swear it is from his notes ! ha

How do you all deal with this stuff...Do you reply back to these or ignore them ?
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Old 04-29-2012, 09:22 PM
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Originally Posted by May_May View Post
Since the 'explosion' last Sunday, my ex is sending countless notes about stupid stuff. (One example so you have an idea...we switch Sundays @ 4:00pm and do week on/week off. With the temperature today, our 6 year old didn't want to wear socks. He's freaking out because he didn't have socks on and and now he'll be short a pair.)
This small stuff doesn't bother me and I don't even notice...he's freaking out about everything...I almost reached my data usage max for the month, and I swear it is from his notes ! ha

How do you all deal with this stuff...Do you reply back to these or ignore them ?
You ignore something like this. It is 50-50 and the expectation is that both house holds have items for the kids. Counting down the socks is just someone seeking to create conflict where none should exist.

Do keep all this "stuff" because should the matter land up in court it is great material to demonstrate the conflict that the other party is seeking.

Just ignore it. Even better. Send over a bag of socks with the children the next exchange they go back to the other parent.

High-conflict people will find anything, even children's socks, to fight over. Most rational people wouldn't bother with something so minor and make an issue out of it. High-conflict people will... Everything is a battle for them. Everything is a "war" to be won.

When they "go to court" they see you as the all bad and them as the all good party in the litigation. Hell has no fury like a highly conflicted person scorn about socks, blankets, stuffed toys, toys and other incidental items. They will scream at you at an exchange, send you piles of messages about it, they often enroll their own family members (i.e. grandparents) to engage in the conflict and yell at you too at exchanges.

Often they think they are being "clever" trying to get "one up" on you. Basically what they are demonstrating (as justice Quinn puts it...) their "jackassedness" and inability to move on and parent the children.

Good Luck!
Tayken
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Old 04-29-2012, 09:23 PM
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best way, dont answer them. If he is complaining about something like the socks then send an extra pair when the child goes back to replace the ones. Yes he is being petty but try not to go down to his level.
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Old 04-29-2012, 09:25 PM
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Personally May I would ignore him. It's no fun goating...having a fit...yelling...yada yada when the one you are directing it to ignores you. It's like walking over a child when he's on the floor screaming, eventually his behaviour will have to change as he's not getting a response from you. The only difference being he's suppose to be an "adult".

My ex is still trying to get a rise out of me by ignoring our youngest son. I don't have time for this kind of performance he's so not worth my time...OH wait a minute, I'm over it!!!!
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Old 04-29-2012, 09:36 PM
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Personally May I would ignore him. It's no fun goating...having a fit...yelling...yada yada when the one you are directing it to ignores you. It's like walking over a child when he's on the floor screaming, eventually his behaviour will have to change as he's not getting a response from you. The only difference being he's suppose to be an "adult".

My ex is still trying to get a rise out of me by ignoring our youngest son. I don't have time for this kind of performance he's so not worth my time...OH wait a minute, I'm over it!!!!
This is where Justice Brownstone's (note for Mess) observation of "maturity" in his book comes into play. But, what doesn't fold well is *why* someone would act in an "immature" way and complain about socks. This is the gap in Justice Brownstone's book in my opinion and where mental health literature or someone like William Eddy could fill in the gap.

(My answer based on May_May's other posts... is that the other parent is highly-conflicted and has traits of an axis II disorder possibly)

Lorac's observation of the impact ignoring someone who is highly-conflicted is correct but, there is another element that you have to be aware of... Many highly-conflicted people just never give up. Ignoring them can often make things worse.

B.I.F.F. or E.A.R. the other parent back. (Google search "E.A.R. and B.I.F.F. and William Eddy")

Good Luck!
Tayken
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Old 04-29-2012, 09:37 PM
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Thanks everyone...Next week when our boys are here I will send a new bag of socks over ! It's crazy...

The only positive is that when I sit back and have quiet time (doesn't happen often), I chuckle and remember how lucky I am that I'm not in the same house with him anymore !
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Old 04-29-2012, 09:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
This is where Justice Brownstone's (note for Mess) observation of "maturity" in his book comes into play. But, what doesn't fold well is *why* someone would act in an "immature" way and complain about socks. This is the gap in Justice Brownstone's book in my opinion and where mental health literature or someone like William Eddy could fill in the gap.

(My answer based on May_May's other posts... is that the other parent is highly-conflicted and has traits of an axis II disorder possibly)

Lorac's observation of the impact ignoring someone who is highly-conflicted is correct but, there is another element that you have to be aware of... Many highly-conflicted people just never give up. Ignoring them can often make things worse.

B.I.F.F. or E.A.R. the other parent back. (Google search "E.A.R. and B.I.F.F. and William Eddy")

Good Luck!
Tayken
Tayken-BIFF_Love it ! GREAT ADVICE. At this point in our separation, I cannot / will not offer him Empathy. I agree completely that in the past, the only people he has ever related to are those that listen and feel sorry for/agree with him. I believe there have been several recommendations for William Eddy books...which one do you feel is a good starting point that would go well with "Tug of War" ?
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Old 04-29-2012, 09:51 PM
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DITTO!!! I would think that if you asked every ex on here or their ex spouses we would all have AXIS 11 Disorder.
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Old 04-29-2012, 10:14 PM
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B.I.F.F. or E.A.R. the other parent back. (Google search "E.A.R. and B.I.F.F. and William Eddy")

Good Luck!
Tayken
Just want to mention, Eddy's books list in the $70+ range on Amazon, they are available as Ebooks from Indigo/Chapters for under $10.
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Old 04-29-2012, 10:56 PM
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The books are also avail at most public libraries but probably best to buy them for easy future reference/re-read. My ex also made a huge production out of the most insignificant things. I now have a respectable small library of various self-help/personality disorder/Cdn Family Law books etc. Ahhhhh, such FUN

Last edited by hadenough; 04-29-2012 at 11:00 PM.
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