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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 06-17-2013, 09:20 PM
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And that's exactly what I want, Tayken. I guess "as a stranger" is putting it a bit harshly.
But, all in all, that's how I would like to be treated. Have no feelings toward me, so I can have none toward you. All of our dealings should be handled as business transactions and nothing more. Notes about the children should be written to one another as you would write to the school, whether it's, "Jimmy has been on antibiotics for his strep throat for 5 days, and requires 5 more days of medication." Or, "Suzy's soccer practice has been changed to Thursday next week."

My ex works a lot of nights, and tends to leave the kids with sitters quit frequently. It would be nice to get, "The children will be at the sitter's Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday next week. If you wish, you can call them there."

Done and done. I don't care if you're taking them to see a movie (ok, I'd like to hear from them all about it, out of interest in their lives, but it doesn't need to be 'cleared with me' if that's what she thinks). Or what they're doing on the weekend (again, not my business, and if they want to tell me, they will tell me themselves). Likewise, I don't care why the kids will be at the sitters 5 out of 7 nights they're with her, she could be working, she could be dumping them off so she can go out and get drunk with her boyfriend for all I care (yes, if there's danger to their lives and wellbeing, I'll step in).

But it's that I can't seem to get through to her head. I don't care. Keep the kids cared for, and I don't care what you do or don't do with the kids. Your relationship with them is your business. If you choose to damage the relationship with your kids because you'd rather leave them with your mother for the weekend then spend time with them, that's between you and them (sad for the kids, but out of my control, and nothing I can do about it).

What facts do I need to know about them when they're being delivered into my care? When they're not in my care, how can I contact them to say goodnight or if there is some kind of emergency? My schedule is pretty routine, and hasn't changed in the past, oh, 15 years: I work 9-5 Monday-Friday. There's no need for me to keep it updated because it doesn't change, it's routine (I like routine). If she wants to call the kids when they're with me, she can just pick up the phone and say, "Hello, may I speak with the kids please?" "Yes, ma'am, here you go."
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Old 06-17-2013, 11:03 PM
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I sort of used this philosophy tonight to try to talk to ex about a scheduling change. It was awesome.

The minute he started to get upset, I calmly said that I would be more than happy to continue to have a factual discussion about dates and times for rescheduling but did not find his opinion on the matter relevant or necessary to create the schedule.

Then he ranted on for a few minutes while I sat and listened without commenting.

Then he demanded I answer whether I thought the changes were fair (we are simply moving an equal number of hours from one day to another). When I suggested my opinion was also not relevant and began another factual accounting of possible dates, he lost his mind and began yelling at me. When I agreed with him by only saying "I can see how you might feel that way" he yelled again.

Finally I said that he got mad when I agreed and got mad when I didn't agree so I would await an email response instead. He yelled some more ridiculousness and then hung up on me.

It was a great conversation for me. It was very empowering to treat it like a business transaction, one where I was in charge of customer service........ listen to the complaint, make some solution suggestions and don't take anything personal.

Thank you very much for the recommendations!!!

Last edited by SadAndTired; 06-17-2013 at 11:06 PM.
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 07-13-2013, 11:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by notadeadbeatdad72 View Post
One of the most difficult things we all face is trying to treat our ex's as strangers. But, in reality, that's what they are to us now...not much different than the person in line ahead of us at the grocery store.
And what's even more difficult is dealing with tense situations in an apathetic manner. Even if you're doing something you believe is right for you, or your children (especially when it comes to the children).

One thing I really wish I could get through to my ex is, "You don't matter to me anymore. You are a gene donor to my children, and nothing more. Don't take it negatively, I'm not trying to devalue your worth in your own eyes or to the community at large, but you are a stranger to me; please just treat me as such. When the children are in your care, you are their babysitter in my eyes, and I should just be the babysitter in your eyes when the children are in my care."

If you could get this across without trying to sound hostile (if you find a way, please tell me. ) it may work out.

You're divorced for a reason, and both parties need to realize is that the reason is because your paths went in different directions (yes, even when it comes to an abusive, hostile relationship...the paths are in a different direction: one person wanted to be abusive, and the other didn't want to be abused...different directions).

I think emotional and mental abuse in couples gets downplayed a lot in our society...especially when it's men who are the abused (far more common than what you would even think).

Long story short...try to think of your ex as a cashier at a store, and nothing more. Try as hard as you can to isolate your feelings for him, and squash them out of your life (the fact that you get riled up because he calls you 'high-conflict person' suggests that you still harbour feelings).
Ohhhh I do exactly that--I think of him as a ATM machine, not even a bank teller that would humanize him,,, Just an ATM machine.
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Old 07-14-2013, 11:19 AM
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Originally Posted by momforever1956 View Post
Ohhhh I do exactly that--I think of him as a ATM machine, not even a bank teller that would humanize him,,, Just an ATM machine.
Oh dear....
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Old 07-14-2013, 11:57 AM
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Originally Posted by SadAndTired View Post
Oh dear....
I totally agree with you. Its no wonder that women who get SS have such a bad name with comments like that. Just reinforces the stereotype.
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Old 07-14-2013, 12:25 PM
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that is just plain funny

belly laugh funny thanks!! hahahaha
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 07-14-2013, 12:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by momforever1956 View Post
Ohhhh I do exactly that--I think of him as a ATM machine, not even a bank teller that would humanize him,,, Just an ATM machine.
I could never think of the father of my child in that way (regardless of what he may or may not have done in the past). Yes I receive SS, yes I feel that I have earned it - yes I keep in mind that my STBX has to work hard for those dollars and I am thankful in that respect!

Do you want to know how family law works? ....it doesn't.
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Old 07-14-2013, 12:35 PM
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If mine's a bank machine, it must be broken!!! Lol.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 07-14-2013, 12:36 PM
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Originally Posted by Qrious View Post
If mine's a bank machine, it must be broken!!! Lol.

LOL! good one!
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 07-14-2013, 12:42 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
I could never think of the father of my child in that way (regardless of what he may or may not have done in the past). Yes I receive SS, yes I feel that I have earned it - yes I keep in mind that my STBX has to work hard for those dollars and I am thankful in that respect!

Do you want to know how family law works? ....it doesn't.
There is a big difference between a father and a sperm donar. X has choosen to completely have no contact with his 2 adult children. Both children are educated, independant and well on their way to productive healthy lives,(both professionals) so there isnt even an excuse of them being in any way a financial burden.
Personally for me being financially independant and working as a accounting consultant is rewarding as I love my work and the people who I work with and for.
I wasn't trying to be nasty or self-serving. I truly view him as a means of my ability to save. My agreement has protected me to work without any consequences to SS and I agree--I am thankful that he is working his butt off 2.5 days a week in my honour, drilling and filling so I get my monthly cheques.
Dealing with a high conflict individual is not an easy task, and 3 years of lawyers was not fun. The truth eventually came out, (sucks to divorce an accountant),so I view him as nothing more than a machine.
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