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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 11-14-2013, 11:10 PM
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You are very generous. Hopefully she will have been humiliated like I was and will learn to handle things herself in the future. I know when I called my ex it was just out of habit. I also knew he always had that stuff in his pickup for large oil leaks (for semi tractor-trailers). When my ex and I went into the garage to tend to the car my ex pointed out that the oil leak was a non-issue. That made me look and feel even more pathetic.

Well I hope if I ever have a break down in inclement weather you are on the road! I do think it was very generous of you to help her out though and I'm sure you'd do it again. You can't help who you are - very decent caring person.
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Old 11-14-2013, 11:12 PM
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And I guess that is my biggest fault, I get screwed over often by simply lending a helping hand. I just think how I would feel and need in a situation and try to be a good person. Most people are grateful, unfortunately not her
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Old 11-15-2013, 12:06 AM
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Well, the oil leak was a non-issue for your ex, but it wasn't for your maintainence guy. I think made it a real issue.

It does sound like he brought the g/f because he needed 4 hands, and apparently she understood the instructions he was barking.

You should check if you have emergency auto service built into your credit card. I had long forgotten about this and just noticed I had it.
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Old 11-15-2013, 12:16 AM
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Yes in hindsight I could have simply called one of the mechanics I knew. I guess I was more concerned about the supposed "huge" oil leak. When that happens with commercial vehicles it IS an emergency.

This is an example of adjustment after separation/divorce. I will admit I took my ex's mechanical skills for grated all the years we were married. There are many times I cursed because I simply didn't know how to do something that he always did.

I know my shortcomings and anything to do with vehicles is one of them. New vehicles with the 1-800 number is my preference.
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Old 11-15-2013, 12:19 AM
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If this is becoming a pattern, it sounds like your choice is between a) helping your ex (and thereby rewarding/facilitating clueless behavior on her part) and b) taking a hard line by not assisting and letting her flail around. When you add the kids' well-being into the equation, I think the choice has to be a). This doesn't mean that you're a wonderful warm-hearted person or a patsy, it just means you have your priorities straight.

Do what you need to do to be sure the kids are warm, dry and taken care of, even if it means having to clean up some of the ex's messes. Whether she's grateful or not is irrelevant - it's not about doing her a favour, it's about looking after the kids.

(Going over and above what needs to be done for the kids' safety, like driving over to her place to fix her toaster or feed her hamster or something, is sucker behavior, unless you want to have a weird codependent enmeshment).
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Old 11-15-2013, 12:25 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by arabian View Post
This is an example of adjustment after separation/divorce. I will admit I took my ex's mechanical skills for grated all the years we were married. There are many times I cursed because I simply didn't know how to do something that he always did.

I know my shortcomings and anything to do with vehicles is one of them. New vehicles with the 1-800 number is my preference.
Arabian - me too with the post-divorce steep learning curve on cars. Just this week I had to negotiate a huge repair bill with the dealer (took the car in for the scheduled servicing and surprise! Blown head gasket, brake pads almost gone, AND slipping clutch!). I managed to negotiate $1K off the bill plus waiving the GST, and I can now tell you exactly what a blown head gasket is and why it is a very bad thing. I could have called my bf, an engineer who spent much of his younger adulthood with his head under the hood, but I wanted to do this on my own. It was kind of a milestone.
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Old 11-15-2013, 12:33 AM
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Stripes - you dah woman! I'd freak out I'm sure. I admire your independence.
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Old 11-15-2013, 04:19 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Berner_Faith View Post
Just a question for you all... When it comes to your ex's how much of a 'helping hand' do you offer?

I ask because the last two drop offs with the kids the ex has had car troubles. Two weeks ago her car wouldn't start at the drop off location... Bf used our CAA to have the car towed home because they couldn't boost it. This past weekend her car wouldn't start again, so we boosted the car and then she locked the keys in her car...with it running...

I ended up calling my mechanic friend who came from almost an hour away to unlock her car. she is now refusing to pay the bill for the service call of $50, meaning we either foot the bill or the mechanic goes without. He billed us because we also had our snow tires put on that night and we owe him for that.

So the question... What would you do in this situation? Continuing helping or leave with the kids and let her know she can pick them up when she gets her car started? Obviously we can't leave the kids with her with a car that doesn't start, meaning they don't have heat.

I usually don't mind helping but I don't want this to be a pattern and don't feel we should have to use up our CAA or foot all her bills. Am I totally wrong on this?

if it means I get my S8 for one second more - I *help* as much as I can.
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Old 11-15-2013, 07:20 AM
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I'm amazed at the ex's refusal to pay your friend the measly $50.00 bill after all the help she received and the sense of inflated entitlement she seems to have in her attitude towards you and her ex. Not smart on her part. She is being extremely ungrateful. She was so fortunate to have you and her ex's good will and helpfulness. Now it is ruined for her. Really stupid behaviour.
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Old 11-15-2013, 09:47 AM
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I never owned or maintained a car until after separation and divorce. My ex had her car which we used when we needed it, but I took the bus daily for work. Sometimes I would go weeks without driving.

Now I own my first car (at 34 years old) and despise all the little extra expenses and maintenance. Burned out wipers? $1000 for a new BCM. Replace batteries and alternators on a nearly yearly basis... recently I lost my only set of keys and had to pay $700 just to have two sets of keys made. Apparently when I got the car it came with 4 special edition baldini tires that needed to be replaced immediately. Sigh.

Back on the thread... I would help my ex if she called me but I know she wouldn't return the favour. On one parenting weekend my car was dead in the driveway and I had no way to get my son home... that's the one and only time she has ever driven for time with me. Otherwise she has made me borrow or rent vehicles rather than lift a finger to facilitate access to our son. Shortly after divorce in the dead of winter my car broke down. I called CAA to find out my ex had cancelled my membership.

Last edited by FightingForFamily; 11-15-2013 at 09:50 AM.
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