Help and opinion please

[winner]

My story,

I was married to a beautiful lady (inside and out) for 15 years. In the beginning although I loved her I was very scared of getting hurt, but as the years went by and we had two lovely boys I broke down all my barriers and I think we both gave our relationship a lot of attention. Every year I felt more love for her. By her actions and words she flet the same.

Two years ago I discovered she was having an affair and whats more she had no interest in salvaging our relationship. She then left. We have 50/50 custody of the boys (2 weeks on 2 weeks off).

After 2 years the pain of it subsided. I now function relatively normally and when the boys are with me I spend 100% of my time with them.

Normal story - so whats the problem.
The problem is that it is like I have died inside. Nothing interests me anymore except for the boys. I go through the motions at my job and bring home a good salary. I do everything thats expected. I even had a girlfriend for a while, but I felt nothing. I am totally numb.

I would never think of taking my life - I have too much to give the boys - but besides that there is nothing else. A little while ago my neighbor who is a very nice person and we have a couple of laughs together - suggested we go on a date. I told her that I feel nothing inside and that I would feel nothing for her so she had better steer clear of me.

I am scared if I do meet a lady, I will just use her. I know what thats like and would not wish that on anyone.

I have lost interest in my friends and spend most io my time alone.
I find myself counting down the years and saying stuff in my head - well its only another 30 or 40 years to go.

I have tried to regain an interest, but eventually I find I am just acting.

Anyway its a bit of a dumb story, and if I had read this a few years ago I would have thought the writer is crazy.

[god knows the truth]

I don't think the writer is crazy at all. YOu've had your heart broken and you said in your post that it was hard to break down your barriers--I assume you've been hurt before.
You're not weird to feel empty; I wonder how certain people can be in a relationship and just 'move on' so quickly. I think that depicts a some-what narcissistic perosnality.There is so much pain and hurt on this forum, yet there is so much support. There is a wonderful group of people here to listen to you vent, hear how you feel, and try to help---bonus is IT'S FREE!!!
Have you sought counselling? If not maybe you should try; your work may cover a percentage/all of it.
When you're in a relationship, have children and feel you're going to grow old together and it backfires, there's a huge hole left. Now you have to pick up pieces, deal with courts(if that's the case) and wonder how to fill that gap. You have your beautiful boys so maybe you can take them to a park, have a picnic and meet other parents; just to get interested in life. The ymca is also a great place to meet people on a casual basis-no comminttment just whenever you see them, you see them.
I know it's easier said than done but force yourself to get out to do something around people; just having people in your presence can lift your spirits.
One more suggestion('cause I can go on all night ha):why not invite your neighbor to a comedy club, as a friend--minimal communication, a couple of laughs and you get out for a few hours.
Take care of yourself it hurts to be heartbroken. After my ex and I split(for good this time) he called shortly after to reconcile and you know what, despite all the problems, It was one of the hardest things for me to say no and hang up.
You're normal, even after two years. I highly recommend you call the distress center to talk to someone. YOu may be depressed and if a little med's from your doctor is on the menu, it may be an option.
There should be more sensitive men like you, saying that you don't want to use someone--good for you! You sound like a great guy with alot to offer....when the time's right.
I'm not sure where you stand with faith but I guarantee that the right christian church will make you feel like a new person. I'm just wondering if you're in LOndon b/c there are many resources that I could list for you.
Treat yourself well; it will iron out.take care.

[hubby]

Simply put, you are growing in SO many ways!

Hubby

[logicalvelocity]

winner,

its not uncommon to put a wall around yourself. I think its normal behaviour in light of the circumstances.

lv

[my2suns]

First off, divorce is alot like death. You have to go through the steps/process of recovery. I think you sound like you might have depression, and should probably seek medical advice. Beyond a message board. I hope you find peace. Maybe find a local divorce support group, if there isn't one, perhaps start one. Best of luck to you in finding the happiness you deserve.

[McBroke]

It's kind of tough starting over, I speak from experience. I was dumped and left with the kids and the responsibilities. First thing I arranged was counselling for myself and kids to get a damage assessment. I was told that I was self-sacrificing by the counsellor and needed to ommunicate my needs up front.
Second thing I did was get worried about being alone for the rest of my life so I looked for and started a long distance 'friendship". I felt safe, she felt safe and I was totally up front with her. She was the same with me. We explored our common interests and chatted frequently never expecting more than friendship and it grew. We communicate our feelings good or bad and sort them out. Nomore silent episodes and only commitment. I'm not Dr. Phil, but you do need to heal first. Withdrawal is not good. You need counselling some employers include it in your benefit through an EAP.
Remember,Baby steps to healing, family first, participate in any family functions, that is where you started and it is the most important. Loving your boys is excellent and it's why I kept going. but you have to take time for yourself. You are an asset to society and to your children, but they will grow up and will take their own paths. Instead of being a father the role becomes that of a DAD. Still loved, but the role is different.
My marriage lasted 23 years but the last 6 were not the best as the intimacy ceased so it was pretty chilly at night and very lonely. I sometimes think that my actual seapration was 6 years sooner than it was.

Anyways, I sense you see too many obstacles to achieve your personal goals, and believeme when a partner leaves we all become so introspective and insecure and develop negative feelings about ourselves to the point we worry that we are'nt good enough for anyone. That is wrong. You are a victim, you need to heal emotionally and mentally. Do things that make you feel good about yourself. Volunteer once a week,join a gym, anything that will improve you or your world will improve your attitude. Remember yourself before this happened and that is the real you. Remember there are a lot of geniuses in the world, the ones that were the most successful were the most perseverant and only enjoyed their biggest success after their biggest failure.

Take care and all the best, I hope this helped in some way
Pay it Forward
Mcbroke

[Mr. ReadyNow]

You are most definately not crazy. Been there, done that, got the T_shirt. Some people take longer to mourn than others. I realized that after doing some therapy. The zest will come back to you, I promise. Just hand in there, try to enjoy life's wonders and there are so many of them. From MY personal experience just being able to talk to people who are good listeners helped me a lot. All the best to you and you will find love again..