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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 08-08-2015, 09:45 PM
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Default Having trouble with visitation.

I have a interem order for primary care and control of my 8 year old daughter. Her mother moved 3.5 hours away couple years ago, on average will see the daughter an overnighter every 3 months, lately the childs grandma will take the kid for a week or weekend and keep her up until 2am and the mother will maybe have a quick visit. The grandma is a very bad influence on the child. The Grandma is convincing the ex to be nasty now and is making things difficult because she is just a crazy woman. She is getting the 8yr old daughters uncle to try and get her as well, who usually has no involvement in her life.
We do not have a seperation agreement, no support payments are being made at all yet.
I meet half way for child exchange, even though she moved, now she says she lives farther and wants me to have an extra hours driving.
Should I just give in to her demands as usual and let it all go?
Should I start child support order and work on a seperation agreement with her or go straight to the lawyer?
She is very stubborn, the ex would not even show up in court before and refused mediation outright.
Without doing a full agreement, is it possible to do a partial seperation agreement just for child support and visitation arrangments/agreements.
I have a feeling its going to get worse in terms of the ex and her mom just from what I saw when they left their ex's while I was with her.

Do I have any rights in terms of my shared custody and primary care and control order? Can the ex say f u I am keeping her here for another week, and I can't do a thing? She keeps threatening me with the fact she has shared custody and I can go f myself, so I just give in and keep letting her bully me as its not worth the fight, I just don't want to set too many precidents for her to automatically just have when and if court and or an agreement comes.
Does primary care and control mean I can force her to hand over the kid or would I need a court agreement showing its my time etc....

I would like to go for child support without paying a lawyer to do it properly, is it pretty straight forward, and is a seperation agreement needed for asking for the child support? She says if I do that she is going after spousal and backpay. HeH.

Any info is appreciated, sucks having to cancel doc appointments and making up missed martial arts classes all the time, not to mention its hard to make plans when they change them up whenever they like in terms of visitation.
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Old 08-08-2015, 10:31 PM
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Quote:
I have a interem order for primary care and control of my 8 year old daughter
You say this, then you say you have shared custody?


Your situation is a mess.

Does she have any access rights set by the judgement?

She moved, she should come pick up the kids at her expense.

No, don't give in to her demands.

She has essentially abandoned the child by moving hours away and not pay CS (followed a guy I imagine)....

I wouldn't give the kid to anybody except the mother and it wouldn't be for more than EoW or the equivalent.

If anybody doesn't return the child at the right time, I would call the police.

Man up, and manage this situation properly.

For child support, it should be paid right away.
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Old 08-09-2015, 12:01 AM
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The ex picks the kid up but then drops her off at the grandmas, because grandma borrows her a car and gives her money, then ex goes out, and goes to work etc....so I can not do much about that.

As for making her come and get the kids, then I will have to go and pick them up. Then we both are in for a long drive instead of 2 short ones, but I guess thats the only way.

Shared custody with primary care and control is the court order the judge gave me when the ex never showed up in court twice in a row.

I guess I could probably go after her for child care expenses with the full time live in nanny costs, as well as gymnastics and martial arts etc....I have asked her for help with costs but I get sworn at and told to go f yourself.

The grandmother served me with an access order to see the 8yr old daughter overnight every second weekend and one evening every week at the very least, I refused that and brought it back to the court office 2 months ago. I have a feeling she is trying to do stuff to get ammo against me for the hearing if it happens.

If I see a lawyer, what should I tell him I want specifically for now, I hate to ask him....he will probably soak me for all I have, would rather request exactly what I want. Last time he told me we have to go through all these trials and mediations etc, if I wanted it done anytime soon it was going to cost at least 10 grand to get a full agreement finalized, then the divorce can get done easily after that. So thats why I was wondering maybe I could get an interem order for visitation arrangements and childcare costs and child support and full custody without major court/lawyer costs, then eventually roll that into the final agreement later after the house is finalized and finances are ok to pay a lawyer etc.
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Old 08-09-2015, 12:43 PM
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Did you resolve the matter of selling your home? I know at one time you were contemplating bankruptcy. I recall you had a lawyer who's rate was 250.00/hr?

Absolutely you should have an interim order for CS. Have you and your ex exchanged financials every year?
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Old 08-09-2015, 02:19 PM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Did you resolve the matter of selling your home? I know at one time you were contemplating bankruptcy. I recall you had a lawyer who's rate was 250.00/hr?

Absolutely you should have an interim order for CS. Have you and your ex exchanged financials every year?
The home is just hitting the court and will go into foreclosure.
I have not claimed bankruptcy as I was told if foreclosure and cmhc etc come after me after bankruptcy protection is over I am not protected.
During the initial court interaction for my order for primary care and control as well as mediation where only ex mil showed up is when I shared my financials, that was about 2 years ago now.
Can I file a CS order myself quick and cheap just asking the court person at the help desk, I assume I have to include my financials, I guess asking for extras for nanny and activities is a different order or agreement, or could be exchanged for no spousal...etc, she claims she can go after me for spousal still even though we have been seperated for a few years, I have the kids, and she is the one left. The bankruptcy trustee says back support or any support doesnt get taken care of with a consumer proposal or bankruptcy.
I will investigate the CS thing online tonight and go down to the court office and ask about it if its something that is done without a lawyer or agreement as I get ignored when I ask the ex to help out by buying the kids clothes etc. and also replys with threats that she would pay less because she has to drive to meet for the kids, but goes on out of country lavish vacations and concerts all the time. Be nice if she took the kids clothes shopping instead one of those times heh...but I guess that has been the least of my worrys last while, its just time she starts paying for some of the kids stuff.

Is a child support order pretty straight forward, or is it a bit of a court fight? Will I have to get a bunch of proof I have been caring for the kids 99.8% of the time? Or is it just pushed through without a court date if she doesn't respond...also can it get delayed for months or years if she wants? Last time she had to prove financials she gave only one and her worst year income tax statement and some of her bank statements of one of her banks, and did not show for court and refused mediation. Her way or the highway.

Last edited by undersc0re; 08-09-2015 at 02:26 PM.
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Old 05-03-2016, 12:16 AM
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My lawyer had me remove him as my lawyer due to conflict of interest as his firm is directly involved in the foreclosure of my home with the bank.

Ex mother inlaw waited a year after serving me with application for access order and is apparently going forward with her application for access order to have my 8 year old daughter for overnighters every second weekend and evenings once a week. I can not afford a lawyer right now and she told a family member she is all lawyered up and thinks she will get access to my daughter in an order from the court.

My question is, what happens in first appearance ? Is it just a quick interview thing to see if its worthy giving her a chance and a trial? Is there a way to squash this dead in its tracks right away? I refused any access in the reply, as a parent, I do not think she is safe or a good influence at all on my child, I actually think she is a very bad influence and a safety hazard.....I could go on and on. Anyhow, is there a way to stop this on first appearance? Should I go in the first time with all sorts of documentation, or canlii cases similar to mine to support my defense? I don't want a lawyer to drag this into a trial and cost $$$$$$$

I tried to google what happens at first court appearance for application of access order by grandmother, but did not find out much other than trial. I would hope it gets checked for worthyness before going straight to a trial. This woman is 99% doing this just because she is a control freak psycho who can't accept me dropping the kid off somewhere to visit rather than drive(she is an aweful driver)

I would assume the judge would let me handle my own child's best interests, my past history with it has been very good.
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Old 05-03-2016, 09:32 AM
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I'm a big believer of the Maximum Contact Principle. I think the child benefits from seeing her grandma and mom as much as possible. You have a ton of concerns about mom and grandma but could it be some are just hard feelings about the relationship ending?

I haven't read about your case but was CAS ever involved? Has mom or grandma ever abused children? Have records? Proven substance abuse, etc?

So far you've called her a Control freak psycho, safety hazard, bad driver, etc. Remember this is the woman you decided to have children with ... or the judge will remind you if you go in guns a blazing.

If your concerns are that serious you need to be contacting CAS and providing your reasons why these adults have o business being around child.

Sounds like you're good for sole custody as well as CS. You won't require a lawyer I dont think .. she doesnt even show up at court.

CS isn't a tough thing to get through. Get her denial to pay anything in writing, then go get it enforced through FRO (motion). Having primary care and control, she has a responsibility to contribute $$ as a parent. This is pretty straight forward.

Sharing driving .. who cares. Dont make a big deal about this. Like Mr.Toronto told me a while back .. it just gives ore time to get a hot chocolate and chat with your kids. That's exactly what I do .. in fact I very much enjoy these moments as D4 and I get in to deep conversations.
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Old 05-03-2016, 12:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingFather32 View Post
I'm a big believer of the Maximum Contact Principle. I think the child benefits from seeing her grandma and mom as much as possible. You have a ton of concerns about mom and grandma but could it be some are just hard feelings about the relationship ending?

I haven't read about your case but was CAS ever involved? Has mom or grandma ever abused children? Have records? Proven substance abuse, etc?

So far you've called her a Control freak psycho, safety hazard, bad driver, etc. Remember this is the woman you decided to have children with ... or the judge will remind you if you go in guns a blazing.

If your concerns are that serious you need to be contacting CAS and providing your reasons why these adults have o business being around child.

Sounds like you're good for sole custody as well as CS. You won't require a lawyer I dont think .. she doesnt even show up at court.

CS isn't a tough thing to get through. Get her denial to pay anything in writing, then go get it enforced through FRO (motion). Having primary care and control, she has a responsibility to contribute $$ as a parent. This is pretty straight forward.

Sharing driving .. who cares. Dont make a big deal about this. Like Mr.Toronto told me a while back .. it just gives ore time to get a hot chocolate and chat with your kids. That's exactly what I do .. in fact I very much enjoy these moments as D4 and I get in to deep conversations.
The mother is mildly abusive verbally and physically, the grandmother is abusive psychologically, verbally, she is great with the headgames especially when she gets the little one alone telling her I took all mommys money, her family members on my side are not real family and they don't love her etc...nothing, rcmp have been involved with both women at the home...no charges laid. Cfs involved until mother told child to say she was lying.

Grandmother is very explosive, bad tempered, on all sorts of prescription drugs, sleeps until 2-3 pm and up until 6-7 am, never has been a major part of younger childs life...the only real problem I have is too much influence from the grandmother...my restriction to this day under my time with child for visits with granmda is no driving, no alone time, she has to visit with the older child there as well, like a babysitter when grandma sleeps all day or loses her mind.

So I was just hoping for no access order for grandma is all. I am the parent looking after my childs best interests, basically my view is an access order would allow grandma to influence the child in aweful ways as previously has proven. I am just concerned that "innocent little old grandma" will get what she wants. That is the act she plays of course.

The mother is not really an issue, other than poor young one probably thinks mommy doesnt want her...sucks as I try my best to make her feel otherwise and always drop everything to drive her for a visit every 3 or more months when her mom decides she has free time.

All in all I guess my situation is not bad at all comparatively, I just want whats best for the kids, grandma in my opinion is not best at all.

My overly patient, naive attitude, and quiet personality is probably not a great attribute to the situation as all I want is quiet calm easy resolution, not a big fight, maybe it pulls the worst out of people, they try to walk all over you, especially the grandmother.

Thanks for the tips....your right, I like the drive...its relaxing and gets you away. I knew a guy that would drive from Saskatoon to Winnipeg every second weekend to see his kid! Drive...he would drive right after work, then drive straight to work after! Now thats a good dad, wish my ex would make my kid feel worthy like that.

I have a question, going for SOLE custody, will that keep the taxman from making me prove I am living with my child full time every 2 years? I guess its not hard to get a note from the school etc once in a while. What else does sole custody help with? I was thinking of putting together a seperation agreement asking for basic child support and sole custody in it. I have an agreement made up, I just need to save $$$$ for a few months and wait for the matrimonial home to sell via foreclosure which might cause an issue with the judge maybe as well. Sole custody must help with something as it is available.

The comment way up above about psycho and safety hazard was about the grandma, not the mom.

Hope all the mom's and grandma's here have a great mothers day!
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