Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce Support

Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2017, 01:15 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 39
kate331 is on a distinguished road
Default Having a Hard Time

Confession: I am having a great deal of emotions with my ex introducing a new significant other that is now the step-mom. I felt I was blindsided, as we discussed we would not introduce any significant others without discussing it first. I can only describe my emotions as jelously

I am trying my hardest not to show any emotion in front of my children who seem positive with this new person in their lives. But I am crying on the inside. I think its a new chapter that there is now zero chance of a reconciliation.

I know its crazy to think that this wouldnt happen, but I am having a hard time. I am hoping as always that time heals on wounds and eventually we can all get along in this new normal.

I cant be the only one out there that feels this way???
Reply With Quote
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2017, 06:17 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Kitchener Ontario
Posts: 5,226
standing on the sidelines is on a distinguished road
Default

what you are feeling for the most part is natural. No one expects their marriage to end.

Yes he may have found another sooner then you have but eventually you will find someone also and move on with your life as divorced but still co-parents. The kids are accepting of her and as long as she does right by them then its all good. They just have someone else to love them, just like a new partner of yours will.

Your feelings and emotions are normal. Just dont let them cloud your judgement or try to take it out on the ex by using the kids.
Reply With Quote
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2017, 06:38 PM
Rioe's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Ontario
Posts: 3,231
Rioe will become famous soon enough
Default

Your other post comments that your ex doesn't take the kids very often, so it sounds like he's more interested in being with his new girlfriend than he is in being with his own kids. You probably don't have much to worry about her taking on a big stepmom role, or supplanting your mom role.

I suspect your emotions are also a jumble of your feelings of loss about this being the true finality to your relationship, if you had been harbouring hopes of reconciliation, as well as anger/disappointment with him not keeping his agreement to discuss introducing new SOs to the kids with you before doing so.

There's a lot to unpack there, so naturally it can be hard to deal with. Take it apart, analyze the bits, deal with them one by one instead of letting it overwhelm you.

You can't control what your ex does, so just focus on your children and be the best parent you can. If it's hard to talk about this girlfriend, if they bring her up, say something brief like "I'm glad you like her" (because that's better for them than her being awful, right?) and then change the subject.

Time does heal wounds, but it leaves a scar that sometimes acts up and aches. Seek family and close friends to confide in, or counselling, if you think you aren't coping very well right now, to minimize those scars.
Reply With Quote
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2017, 08:45 PM
mcdreamy's Avatar
Moderator
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Posts: 1,413
mcdreamy is on a distinguished road
Default

I'm curious, who is labelling the ex's gf as a "step-mom"? Your ex, his gf, the kids, or you? You've been separated for only a year, correct?
__________________
if you attack everyone involved, the common denominator is you. Attributed to OL
Reply With Quote
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 10-09-2017, 09:05 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 2,965
rockscan will become famous soon enough
Default Having a Hard Time

As the new gf, my partners ex played her jealousy as him not caring about his kids. I did not want to be a step mom AT ALL. I am his partner and a part of his life. They are his children and part of his life. We can all co exist together without any drama or hurt feelings.

Its normal what you are going through but know that the kids have one mother and its you. It is just as weird for them too and they will have many moments of thinking (and saying) youre not my mom.

Dont worry about being replaced or loved less or anything like that. Make it easy on them by encouraging a healthy relationship all around.
Reply With Quote
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 10-10-2017, 03:01 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 39
kate331 is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks for the great advice!!! It was me that labelled her the "step-mom"

I can see this going 2 ways, either he will want to be with her more than increasing access, as Rioe mentioned, or she will get involved and encourage him to have more access which wouldnt be a bad thing.

Yes, it gets under my skin to have the kids talk about how wonderful she is, but I suspect she is trying her best to win over their affections. I just wanted to be honest and say it really sucks for me right now. And YES I am feeling sorry for myself.

Thanks for listening to my rant!
Reply With Quote
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 10-10-2017, 09:47 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Ontario
Posts: 3,040
Berner_Faith will become famous soon enough
Default

Kate... I hope it's okay to give you a perspective as a step-mom and I do realize that not every woman is like me.

I got with my husband when his kids were very young (3.5 and 1.5)... it was tough... tough because he was still going through his divorce (which dragged on for two years because his ex wouldn't pay her lawyer) and having such young kids I was almost an instant step mom. I made it clear from the get go that I would treat those kids like my own because I never wanted them to feel less than the amazing children they are. Over the years we have developed such a strong bond and our relationship is great. I have been thanked by their mother for being so accepting of their children and making sure they have never gone without.

That being said, I also realized I would never be "mom" and I have never attempted to step into that roll. But when they are with us I parent them just like I would my own. I come from a fairly big family and we believe in the whole it takes a village to raise a child. Those kids are just as much apart of my family as they are their mom and dads. I truly believe that the more people that are around to love and support the children the better off they will be.

I truly hope this new woman can be respectful of you as a mother and not over step her boundaries. I also hope she will love and respect your children like they deserve to be. When you get with someone with children it is a package deal I believe. Try not to think of it as being replaced, but one more person to love and support your children and hopefully that is what she will do.

I can also respect the other side of the coin where the new woman does everything in her power to try and erase the actual mother... my sister is going through this right now... her ex's new woman inserts herself in school, signing planners and permission forms, is directly involved in basically all aspects of their children's lives. I truly believe the new woman is toxic and also creates drama between my sister and her ex. But her kids like this new woman so she supports the relationship between the kids and her. Kids don't know... most kids like everyone who treats them well and in situations like this all you can do is hope the new woman is a decent human being.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Reply With Quote
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 10-10-2017, 06:13 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 102
ensorcelled has a little shameless behaviour in the past
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
Confession: I am having a great deal of emotions with my ex introducing a new significant other that is now the step-mom. I felt I was blindsided, as we discussed we would not introduce any significant others without discussing it first. I can only describe my emotions as jelously

I am trying my hardest not to show any emotion in front of my children who seem positive with this new person in their lives. But I am crying on the inside. I think its a new chapter that there is now zero chance of a reconciliation.

I know its crazy to think that this wouldnt happen, but I am having a hard time. I am hoping as always that time heals on wounds and eventually we can all get along in this new normal.

I cant be the only one out there that feels this way???
You would be crazy not to fell this way!

Big hugs, mama. It's not easy.

As for the reconciliation, I'm going to go way out on a limb and say that while this may not be the family you envisioned for your future and your child, YOU deserve better and your child deserves to see you happy and fulfilled.

And guys not discussing the introduction of a new partner is like saying water is wet. They will usually phrase it as 'It's my parenting time and I do what I want to do!' without thinking about how the kids are impacted. ON my side, I wasn't prepared for the slate of questions from our kiddo when he did that, which was exacerbated by a lame cover up ('She's just a friend that I spend time with! ). It's mind-boggling how some people think what happens at one house won't bleed into the other...
Reply With Quote
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2017, 11:56 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 39
kate331 is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks all for your words on encouragement.
Reply With Quote
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 10-11-2017, 01:10 PM
LovingFather32's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Ottawa
Posts: 4,518
LovingFather32 is an unknown quantity at this point
Default

This has to be hard. I haven't had to deal with another man in D6's life. I've been with my g/f for 3 years and D6 describes her as her step mother to everybody, but calls her by her name.

My ex didn't like their closeness in the beginning, but now she appreciates that D6 has another positive female role model in her life. My ex has even vocalized this, which was nice.

You are NOT abnormal for feeling the way you do and I very much respect the blunt honesty of your post. Just know you will NEVER be replaced as a mother. Find yourself a nice man that will also act as a positive male role model in your kids life... make sure he's better looking than your ex ..that'll make you feel better (joking :-)).

Chin up. You'll be okay.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Access - Where to go from here? DGES Divorce & Family Law 10 12-12-2016 04:01 PM
Daughters are torn ; Family time Trix Parenting Issues 2 09-25-2016 07:26 PM
Access Terms trinton Divorce & Family Law 2 09-14-2016 01:00 PM
Vacation during Parenting Time breakingfree Divorce & Family Law 13 10-20-2012 10:26 AM
Having a hard time with this one.... karmaseeker Parenting Issues 8 04-03-2011 09:03 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 09:54 AM.