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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 03-09-2013, 01:16 AM
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Ditto that^ Once I made the decision there was no looking back. I fortunately have memories of happy times during our marriage. In the end the bad simply out-weighed the good.
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Old 03-09-2013, 10:09 AM
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I have an ex-bf that I would have considered reconciling with. But definitely not the ex, as in my child's father. That's like asking if I'd want to be terminally ill.

I now cannot imagine being in any long term relationship. Between my baggage, and the likelihood of someone else's.. There's just no way.

It's easier for me to simply have friends. A few close friends, and others that I stay in touch with only from time to time.
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Old 03-13-2013, 05:38 PM
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A lot of ppl don't come right out (on this forum) and admit they hate their ex. I've talked to enough ppl in my adult life and I guess more specifically in the last few years, about spouses, stbx's, ex's. And quite a few of them have admitted quite freely that they do hate their ex.

I realize that "hate/hating" is unhealthy. In so many ways. But what if it's true and simply the reality of how one feels?

I didn't want to start a separate new thread as I thought my question was fitting for this thread.

Qoes anyone have any thoughts/advice on how to unhate an ex?

For some it might be faith/religion that helps. I imagine there's a wide array of things that help.. Just wondered what those things are:/
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Old 03-13-2013, 06:43 PM
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New thread please, HE!
I would chit chat on that one
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Old 03-13-2013, 06:54 PM
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^ good idea.. I'll cook something up and post it.
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Old 03-14-2013, 11:10 AM
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Quote:
I now cannot imagine being in any long term relationship. Between my baggage, and the likelihood of someone else's.. There's just no way.
I think you're right that new relationships after divorce aren't always in everyone's best interest. In my case, I was separated emotionally years and years before I was separated legally. We lived very separate lives...so the legal separation was just a formality for me.

It helped a lot that my new partner was ending a 30 year marriage at the same time...so we were experiencing similar things. It also helps that all of our children really enjoy each other's company and are becoming so close. My children and I have truly gained a family. And my children can finally witness a healthy relationship and see a guy who actually prioritizes his loved ones before himself.

My ex's family was huge and were nice people but we were only ever just cordial to each other...I would try to avoid his family gatherings whenever I could. We had nothing in common and I can't say that I miss any of them...although again, they were kind people.

Basically on every level...my ex and I were totally incompatible. Its validating now knowing that it was just a fact that our relationship was doomed from the start.

Quote:
A lot of ppl don't come right out (on this forum) and admit they hate their ex. I've talked to enough ppl in my adult life and I guess more specifically in the last few years, about spouses, stbx's, ex's. And quite a few of them have admitted quite freely that they do hate their ex.
I honestly can't say that I hate my ex. That would require more energy than he's worth and I've donated my energy elsewhere. I mostly just find him a complete annoyance and just wish that I could eliminate having to deal with him at all. I also find it validating to watch him during my divorce. Divorce tends to illuminate who a person is and watching him threaten lawyers, lie, cheat, hurt our children in a vain attempt to bother me, etc...it all lets me know that I did the right thing.

I'm already very happy and content in my new life and eventually, my divorce will be over, equalization will be done and I'll be able to add financially secure to that list.

I hope my ex is able to move along with his life, find the right person for him and be happy too. Its highly unlikely since he is a pessimistic, angry, miserable kind of person...but I still wish it for him anyway.
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Old 03-15-2013, 04:20 AM
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Now I must say I was very curious to see how this group of people would respond to a post like that. First off I am a therapist and that thread "thorns started" was not of her life, it was simply a story made up.
During a discussion with a friend it was revealed to me that she was part of this forum. During this discussion my friend revealed to me her reasons for reaching out and joining this type of forum. The reasons she had, were to connect with others struggling with divorce and custody issues, just as she is. She thought she would find empathy, understanding, support, and maybe some ideas for her own ongoing case. She expressed to me that she had hoped in reading and being part of many discussions that it may benefit her. She thought it may give her more insight and comfort during all of this.
What she didn't expect was all the mean, non supportive,judgemental comments made to one another. When she told me this I asked her to show me the site and some post that upset her. I was quite suprised with some of the posts. With saying this I wanted to see how the members in this group would respond to a person who sounded desperate, mentally unstable, depressed, possibly suicidal, out of touch with reality, and basically crying out for help. Some posted showing concern for her mental well being and that was great. Others were just cruel and threw digs at others. I am glad that this was not a true situation. Some of those comments could make matters much worse for a person in that mindset. My main hope with doing this was to make people more aware of their responses and to bring them back to the reason they joined. I would imagine most people were feeling much like my friend when they joined a group like this. Sadly I think some have lost their initial reason and are bitter, angry and resentful. It is understandable to feel these things, its just not fair to lash out at others because of your own built up anger.
I would like to ask the moderator how one is to remove themself permanently from this group. If the information could be sent to "thorns" inbox she can deal with it.
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Old 03-15-2013, 07:31 AM
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What a load of cr*p .You find this appalling?Maybe you should rethink your "therapy".When people get involved in the family court system it tears them limb from limb and usually victims get further victimized.This is a refreshing wake up call.Sure there is a variety of A.H.s.These are a good substitute for the scumbag lawyers you will face.This is real life and real life is ugly and messy.Making a bubble around your client is a terrible idea .
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Old 03-15-2013, 09:15 AM
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Posting lies (aka made up bullshit) to try and elicit sympathy on a forum is a pretty low form of entertainment and nothing more than trolling.

This particular thread was actually very positive, no one had anything bad to say about Thorn. Most indicated that she still needed a lot of help to deal with the issues she was describing, which is something I would agree with.

As a therapist I realize you are stuck dealing with the emotional side of divorce. But in reality divorce has to be handled mostly as a legal and business transaction while both parties struggle to keep emotions out of it. There's a time and place to deal with emotions and that place is in therapy or with family and friends. The internet is a poor place to find sympathy when you are emotionally vulnerable. But it's a very good place to find factual information, case law, legal advice, calculate support and the other aspects of divorce.

Anyways, your "experiment" is more than a little disappointing to me.
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Old 03-15-2013, 09:58 AM
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I think it's BS and OP is mpd or whatever. Even writes in the same one "chunk" paragraph. A mentally ill person did write that post. No "therapist" would do this. Thorns, honey - or whomever you "are" today - get to the nearest emergency dept asap.

The whole thing: it's really sad.
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