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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 03-07-2013, 11:46 AM
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^ Good for you, DownT-dad
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Old 03-07-2013, 12:00 PM
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lol @ Murphyslaw and Cashcow.

Someone told me once if you really want to get to know someone, divorce them. And it couldn't be more true.

I pretty much knew what my ex was about 10 years into our marriage but divorce has illuminated the details of his character ever further and what he's willing to stoop to to get what he wants. Not only would I never get anywhere near him physically...I will probably never speak to him verbally again and haven't since separation.

My new partner was going through a divorce when I met him, on the other hand, and has been fair, kind, thoughtful and even generous to his ex. Despite the fact that she's still a little resentful at the divorce, they have regular cordial conversations. Unlike my ex, he's truly a good man.

So although I couldn't read your post properly because of the formatting...it sounds like he's put you through hell and has dishonored not only you but your child/ren. So its hard for me to fathom why on earth you'd EVER consider getting near such an individual unless you were in need of some major therapy to reset your mental wiring.

There are so many other options for your life...so many other far more appropriate partners out there...why on earth would you think so poorly of yourself and your children that you would be thinking along these lines?

Please seek some therapy...do it for your children!
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Old 03-07-2013, 12:12 PM
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PH: according to thorn's post, she IS in counseling. Time to change it up, I'd say. "Progress" is not coming to mind in terms of working on resolving her issues.
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Old 03-07-2013, 12:31 PM
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Anyone else ever look at their ex and go...

How did I NOT wind up insane...or a raging alcoholic?
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Old 03-07-2013, 01:04 PM
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My mother was the type to not say anything bad about someone.

During my marriage, my family never said a bad word about my ex. Afterwards, they were very open about her and their opinion of her. I appreciate the fact they didn't say anything at the time. But they too wondered how I survived. I did not become an alcoholic. I did not go crazy.

I went to some counselling with a priest who I'd know some time back, and who had known my ex for a longer period than he knew me. He told me that if I went back to her, he would initiate committement proceedings, cause I would have to be crazy. He was only half joking.

Last edited by DowntroddenDad; 03-07-2013 at 01:06 PM. Reason: addition
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Old 03-07-2013, 01:44 PM
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My ex tried to remove my children from my life.

I consider that to be the equivalent of attempted murder.

I could never reconcile with somebody who tried to murder my children.

To paraphrase a previous comment, I have to move on for the sake of my children, but I will never forget. I have one enemy on this planet, who probably will always be looking for an angle to remove my children from my life, I need to be forever on my guard. Some parents worry about stranger danger... my worry is much narrower, and horrifyingly more realistic.

How on earth can anybody think of reconciling with their mortal enemy?
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Old 03-07-2013, 02:25 PM
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I would never reconcile, but I honestly do miss being a Family. I see how hurt my kids are by us not doing things together as family and all the tension is really evident in their behaviour. If things were less acrimonious with my STBX it may be possible, but it's not right now.
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Old 03-07-2013, 02:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DowntroddenDad View Post
During my marriage, my family never said a bad word about my ex. Afterwards, they were very open about her and their opinion of her. I appreciate the fact they didn't say anything at the time. But they too wondered how I survived. I did not become an alcoholic. I did not go crazy.
The same thing happened to me. I had no idea that nobody in my life liked her. I started to hear stories of things she did when I wasn't around. I was actually pretty angry people didn't say things to me at the time. Then I realized I wouldn't have believed them anyway. It was a huge wake up call and one of the major reasons I didn't consider reconciling during one of her hoovering episodes. Knowledge is power.

I have a pretty strong hate on for her at the moment. Not sure that will change anytime soon.
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Old 03-08-2013, 12:07 AM
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FB: I also wasn't thrilled to find out what ppl close to me "really thought" after I booted the ex out of my life. Some of them were ppl I'd met through him - I still have a couple of good friends that I initially met through my ex, and they no longer associate with him at all. Point being, they knew him before I did and had some knowledge of the headgames and bs he's capable of.

Yeah, I know it doesn't usually play out that way, but at some point (long ago) I would have appreciated a warning. Obviously for a time I was too stupid to figure it out: that he was a monster.

Once upon a time I used to look for the good in people. I ignored little red flags that really were BIG "red flags." Like I've said 100x before, hindsight is 20/20.

There's always a sucker. He is remarried. His wife... It may be sinking in a little by now, but she is f'ing doomed beyond her wildest imagination.

I used to feel sorry for her, but I don't anymore. As for finding "good" in ppl, it is still possible but I'm a lot more observant now, and don't give out the benefit of the doubt as easily as I once did.

In essence, I suppose I'm admitting that I used to be a much nicer person. I too (if I'm honest) hate my ex. I know that sounds bad, but it's true. If I were to lay out all that's happened (which I'd never do), more people on here would understand why I feel as I do.

I hope to some day feel indifference. I have moments of it but I'd like to feel completely indifferent. Our matter has been/is very complicated. It's had me in a choke hold for years. Separating shouldn't be this difficult or take so long.

I don't know how/why anyone would consider going back into a hellish relationship. Perhaps they thrive on drama and uncertainty, I don't know.
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Old 03-08-2013, 09:58 PM
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NO. Not for one nanosecond.
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