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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 03-07-2013, 03:53 AM
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Default Have you ever wanted to reconcile?

I have been apart from the man I was engaged to for over a year and a half. We do share a child together. The reltionship was rocky, off and on and we had too much outside involvement from others. I lost trust in him after our child was born and he didn't want to believe the medical reports and what the doctors were saying. It was unknown for a long time if I was survive, stress was a big thing that the doctors said I needed to avoid because my health could not handle it. The words used were if he and his family dont stop or you dont get away from him you will be six feet under in a pine box. The sad part is that this was not a joke. My major organs were in failure. Over a holiday day we were having a nice day visiting with his family in the mornng and then my family in the afternoon. By the end of this I was very sick, exhausted and needed to go home and lie down. His parents insisted that the baby be brought to her that night, we were already out, on our way home, no formula left for the baby, my older child wanted to go home and I was not well from the heart and kidney failure I was in. This health issues came on from the preg, delivery of our child together. I suggested going to the families house the next day, I was told no the father would be working, I offered to go at 4pm when he got home for a visit. This was not good enough either. All this went on when we were about to drive home, well I was screamed, sworn at by my ex, the kids and i were kicked out of the car and left. A few days later he served papers to take our bbay away from me on a temporary fulltime basis until my health was better. My ex had open access to be at my families home where we went and stayed at to get help for me, my children and my pets. I left a part out my ex told me about getting papers done in court, but we discussed things and he promised to cancel them as we were staying together. He said he forgot to cancel them, I wish he had because once I saw them and what he wanted to do I was devasted. You see he neglected to tell me what he put in those papers. I tried to stay together, but after awhile I felt betrayl and I couldnt trust him. We did split up for 3 months. I went to him at that point wanting to reconcile, even though I was hurt I still loved him and wanted to give our baby a home with two parents. We got a long great for most things, except about money. He wanted to live at my home and felt he should pay nothing, this included no child support the whole time. Anyways after some resistance from him we did reconcile. Many more things happened, many from his family member who wanted to control things and felt our daughter should be brought to her whenever she wanted. During this time his family ignored, didnt visit our bbay, me or my child from a diff relationship, 10 mnths they refused to come over for a visit. I told them anytime they were welcome to come. This caused a lot of conflict and stress between us. I lived on edge thinking he would serve me, so when things were so bad and I was tired of being told if I didnt do or say what he felt I should that he would take her away from me. I felt bullied and threatned. My children are my world, I felt like I had to do something. I had my lawyer draft papers and serve him and I was seeking custody. We havent spoke much since then, the lies he tells ppl about me and my other child are disgusting. He and his family call Cas a lot, Cas has had no issues with me or my kids care. We have been in court a lot, and trial will be soon. I expect a very nasty,long expensive trial. The thing is I have started feeling like we should talk, and see where both are heads are. Problem with that is I cant trust he will speak the truth. I found out recently he has wanted to reconcile at times, but I know his pride, ego, fear of rejection and just being stubborn that he will never tell me that. I know very well all the bad things that happened, I take responsibility for my part, and know I pushed him away a lot because of my fear of abandonment, I felt get it done now so It wont hurt as much when he does leave. Yes I have had issues with this from a past marriage. For the past yr and a half I have worked hard on it and past issues. The thing is I have not dated anyone else by my choice, I have turned dates away, I have had no type of intimacy with anyone. The thought of any of that feels so wrong because I finally realized I love him, truly love him. I questioned for a long time if I did love him. I dont want to be with anyone else, but I also know he has made no attempt to say he wants different and again I have to be careful, he will use everythg against me in trial. I feel if I was to date then any chance of us being tog again would be gone. I dont understand how I can love someone so much and feel that he is my soul mate when we have treated eachother badly. Do you think Im better to just keep going forward and forget the past? How do I know if he still loves me? Or does he hate me like he acts.? I know we could never ever just try nd jump back into a relationship. I know it would have to be very slow and under the guidance and instruction of counsellors and professionals. We had many differences and issues that we never solved and that would have to be part of it, plus to see if we can let go of our past and move forward together. I know there is no guarantees. I feel we never gave it a good shot before, we wouldnt follow through with counselling and we argued about the exact same things. I know for myself it would be a real shock to my family and friends if I did tell them we were going to look into it and try. Then if we tried everything we would know we really tried and our child can be told that when older. Any words of advice? Honestly I never thought I would be struggling with this, but I am and I love him more now than I think I ever did. Im finally content with how I feel about him and know what I want. Problem is its almost 2 years after we split up. I appreciate any advice.
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:30 AM
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That has got to be the longest paragraph in history....

Without paragraphs it makes it very difficult for the reader to follow along.


P.S. I would rather pee broken glass than get back with my ex.

Last edited by cashcow4ex; 03-07-2013 at 09:44 AM. Reason: forgot to answer question
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:41 AM
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Definitely.. Put your next post in easy to read paragraphs.

No, I've never wanted to reconcile. There are reasons why I left the relationship. Good ones. In fact, I'd rather die than reconcile with my ex.

You appear to be in a very vulnerable and insecure place. With your list of health issues - why in the hell would you consider reconciliation? You were in a relationship with someone whom you allege, affects your physical and mental health.

You should get in to see a therapist asap. From what you said, you are both toxic to one another and it didn't sound (to me) as though your ex wants to reconcile.

What more has to happen before you see that the relationship is over? The writing is on the wall. It's time to get out of denial and finding ways to blame yourself. The relationship is over and it sounds like it has been, for quite some time.

There's a saying about beating a dead horse. Stop beating the horse. It's dead.

Last edited by hadenough; 03-07-2013 at 09:44 AM.
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:53 AM
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Have I ever wanted to reconcile..?Lets see...

I would rather sh*t in my hands and clap.

I think you need counselling urgently to help you get through this.It seems that you keep seeing your ex as some kind of misunderstood knight in shining armour when he really sounds like a ret*rd in tinfoil.That's my my five cents.
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by murphyslaw View Post
Have I ever wanted to reconcile..?Lets see...

I would rather sh*t in my hands and clap.

I think you need counselling urgently to help you get through this.It seems that you keep seeing your ex as some kind of misunderstood knight in shining armour when he really sounds like a ret*rd in tinfoil.That's my my five cents.

Actually laughed out loud...thanks for this!
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Old 03-07-2013, 09:58 AM
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"I would rather pee broken glass than get back with my ex." (Cashcow)
"I would rather sh*t in my hands and clap." (Murphyslaw)

No misunderstanding there. I will see your broken glass and sh*t in hands and raise you: that I'd rather do BOTH of those things at the same time, than reconcile with my ex!
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Old 03-07-2013, 10:12 AM
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OP: your relationship with this man is a train-wreck. Soul mate? Are you kidding me? No - you're kidding yourself. Read and re-read what you wrote about every thing that has ever gone wrong when it comes to you and him.

You are obviously addicted to being in a sick and unhealthy relationship. Like any other "addiction" - you need help. Clearly there are deep self-esteem issues here. This is not about "love" I can assure you. It's some sort of sick co-dependency, self-depracating issue.

Without addressing this, you will be pining away for this loser for God knows how long, and likely land yourself in yet another train wreck relationship. Stop making excuses for him. You need to address your own health and emotional well-being.
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Old 03-07-2013, 10:51 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hadenough View Post
"I would rather pee broken glass than get back with my ex." (Cashcow)
"I would rather sh*t in my hands and clap." (Murphyslaw)
How about - I'd rather pee holding while my junk with broken glass on my hands.....

My ex and I get along fine now.....that we are not together.

As a couple we were horrible. As parents we are good. No sense changing that dynamic.
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:10 AM
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@Oink: Correct: that I never loved him.

As for your other comments? Wrong person. I did not leave home at 18, was never married to him. Have never been married, to anyone.

Get your facts straight before you run your gob, and yeah Karma is a bitch. My ex knows that all too well now. You're next in the "karma dept"

Last edited by hadenough; 03-07-2013 at 11:27 AM.
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Old 03-07-2013, 11:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hadenough View Post
OP: your relationship with this man is a train-wreck. Soul mate? Are you kidding me? No - you're kidding yourself. Read and re-read what you wrote about every thing that has ever gone wrong when it comes to you and him.

You are obviously addicted to being in a sick and unhealthy relationship. Like any other "addiction" - you need help. Clearly there are deep self-esteem issues here. This is not about "love" I can assure you. It's some sort of sick co-dependency, self-depracating issue.

Without addressing this, you will be pining away for this loser for God knows how long, and likely land yourself in yet another train wreck relationship. Stop making excuses for him. You need to address your own health and emotional well-being.
Before I read this, I was thinking exactly the same thing.

You need therapy. I sense that the abandonment issues and insecurities are making you think you are in love, when you really fear being alone. Trust me I've been there. You have to work on yourself, before you can be a true loving partner to someone else. Your kids need you to be strong, to work in their best interest, and from what I can tell, being in a household full of tension and conflict is not in their best interest.

And for the record, despite the fact that my ex initiated proceedings, and I did want to turn back time the first couple of weeks of separation, I would not in any way shape or form consider reconciliation. If I gave her the benefit of the doubt during the marriage, I could not do the same after witnessing the monster she became during the divorce process. We are civil, and I've put that behind me now for the sake of the kids and my own well being, but I won't forget.

Last edited by DowntroddenDad; 03-07-2013 at 11:40 AM. Reason: addition
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