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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 09-29-2011, 11:27 PM
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Originally Posted by ForwardFromHere View Post
Well, I make no quams about the fact that my boys' father has made an "adult" mistake, and that I made mistakes in our marriage, too. I like honesty, and I like reality. We talk about the importance of respect and responsibility in life, and we talk about the importance of the words you choose when speaking to someone, both for solving problems and showing respect. They are learning how different words/actions will get you different reponses from people. I would like my little men to grow up to be men of their word. To me, if you don't stand behind your word, you aren't much of a man.

I tell them that while their father has his faults, that we all do, I respect and support that they love him very much, and that I loved him enough that I chose him to be their father.

The fact is, he had an affair and left to be with another woman, and I don't know how I can say honestly to my children that I am happier because of that choice, even though things are much happier overall in this household. I would've been happier to work on this family, or at least to have him leave the marriage honestly.

They're going to get enough sunshine blown up their asses until they are old enough to recognize differently. I'd like to be the parent they have always been able to trust to come to for the honest truth.
Being on the other side of this debate I might caution that what you might consider the truth is not what he considers the truth. Or your children.

My former spouse uses the same argument, I don't want to lie. The fact that her and I see the exact same events so differently makes defining truth a very slippery slope.

I know for a fact that my ex directly blames me and has said that to my 4 year old son. She has admitted as much directly to me. I have never nor will I ever make any disparaging remarks about her to my son. I do not worry about my sense of integrity, or my child's trust me over the years. I only worry about his life being positive. From that source of security he will find his truth. And if on occasion I have to take the crap flung at me, so be it. My son is worth it.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 09-30-2011, 09:47 AM
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Originally Posted by PereAMav View Post
Being on the other side of this debate I might caution that what you might consider the truth is not what he considers the truth. Or your children.

My former spouse uses the same argument, I don't want to lie. The fact that her and I see the exact same events so differently makes defining truth a very slippery slope.

I know for a fact that my ex directly blames me and has said that to my 4 year old son. She has admitted as much directly to me. I have never nor will I ever make any disparaging remarks about her to my son. I do not worry about my sense of integrity, or my child's trust me over the years. I only worry about his life being positive. From that source of security he will find his truth. And if on occasion I have to take the crap flung at me, so be it. My son is worth it.

Oh, so you must be one of those men that also thinks eatin' ain't cheatin?

My ex and I definitely see the situation differently. I believe what I read on the emails I printed out after I found them. He believes whatever lies he's telling at the time.

My children have been told only what they need to know to answer their questions honestly. Without "disparaging" remarks.
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Old 09-30-2011, 01:10 PM
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I believe you misunderstood my point. It's not about whether I or your ex is one of those men, it's about the kids

I sense a lot of anger in your posts. If true I strongly suggest you talk to someone. For your sake and your kids' sake.

Believe someone once said that the best revenge is to live well.
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Old 09-30-2011, 02:30 PM
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I believe you are misunderstanding me. I am not angry, I just believe in reality and truth. I'm not sure why you assume it's because I'm angry that I choose to tell my children the truth instead of sugar coating things for them. I don't see the point in sheltering children from reality. What kind of a parent prepares their children for the real world by lying to them?

I do not need to resort to saying bad things about my ex. I trust that my children will base their own opinions of him one day. I simply don't see the reason why they shouldn't know the (age-appropriate) truth about why our lives have changed. I feel it is beneficial for them to learn that with each decision you make will come consequences. I feel it's great they learn this is the case for all people, including the people they know and trust and look up to. Why should they not learn from their parents' mistakes as well as their own? Lying to them will not teach them anything, except that lying is acceptable. In my world, it's not.
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Old 10-17-2011, 12:39 PM
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My kids did not ask. If they ever do, I will tell them that Mom does not want to live with Dad.

When they are older, I will tell them that their mother is more comfortable having sex with men she did not marry than with the man she did marry. I will warn them to avoid such people and I will warn them that they will be disowned by me if they become such people. I will tell them that the reason why 50% of marriages fail is because many people deliberately marry people they do not love.
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Old 10-17-2011, 01:47 PM
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AnarX:

I feel sorry for your children. You are bitter to a ridiculous degree.

You're going to tell your children that you'll disown them?!? I can't imagine any reason I'd disown my own children...but certainly not for anything they'd do within their marriages. You don't punish children for not making perfect marriages or for making mistakes in life....that's idiotic.

You also don't tell children..even adult children about their mother's sex life. Affairs are often a symptom of other major issues within the marriage. Most marriages don't fail based on the actions of only one spouse. Whatever her faults may or may not be, I doubt you were perfect. And as an adult child of divorced parents, I can assure you of one thing. You either move-on with life and find a way to not involve your children in the bitterness and anger you have towards your spouse or you will lose the respect and possibly the company of your kids. And you'll deserve it. Leave them out of it! You married her...you deal with it.

Man, I feel sorry for kids with parents like you.
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 10-17-2011, 02:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
You're going to tell your children that you'll disown them?!? I can't imagine any reason I'd disown my own children...
Yes, I will tell my children that I will disown them. In fact, I will tell them more. I will tell them that I will transfer full title of all my property to their spouses if they humiliate their wives and disrespect their marriage vows.
I will also teach them that the world is filled with apologists for bad behavior. I will teach them that the world is filled with free-loaders and that such parasitism often manifests itself in marriage.
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 10-17-2011, 02:43 PM
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LMAO...someone cheated on you and divorced you?!? I can't think why...you're so cheery.

On a more serious note, what I don't think people with your mentality get is that you're really only hurting yourself and your children. Nice touch trying to threaten them with cash though. I'll bet you did the the same thing to your ex-spouse, hence their taking off. Luckily for your kids, they'll get older, realize what you are and use you as example of what to avoid being in life. Good luck drinking that bitter lemonade for the rest of your miserable existence.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 10-17-2011, 03:29 PM
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I did not threaten anybody. What people like YOU do not get is that some people feel they are entitled to things that do not belong to them.

I will also teach my kids to never register their marriage civilly and to never co-habitate with anybody unless they have a co-habitation agreement.

Good luck to your kids too! I hope they do not perceive threats that do not exist the way you do!
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 10-17-2011, 03:47 PM
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Ah, a classic control freak.

"I'll decide what you deserve..."

"Live my way or I'll try to control you with whatever I have (ie. money)..."

"I will foist my cynicism and bitterness from my crappy marriage even upon my own children because I should determine how they live their lives..."

LMAO...nothing like a positive role model in life. I feel sorry for your kids.
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