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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 07-04-2006, 12:35 PM
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Question Going through a terrible time accepting the Justice System

Hi, I am new here and need support or advice that will help me get through my divorce. I had sponsored an American from within Canada. I met him on the Internet when I was very vulnerable getting over a marriage and I had both sons living with me. We communicated through the internet and stupid me opened my heart and he knew the hurt that I was going through and took advantage of it. He told me everything I needed to hear even when I met him after 6 months. It is such a long story, so to make it short, we married and he left New York State as his Private Investigator's business had gone under. I wasn't in debt when I met him, but within two years I couldn't keep up with his spending. The abuse started shortly after we got married, along with his closet drinking too. In our relationship the abuse started once in a while, and then occurred on a repeated and escalating pattern up to the time we separated for the first and second time.
He did every kind of abuse, except that he didn't hit me because he thought that he would be deported back to the States. He stalked his ex-wife in the States and took pictures of everyone going into her home of which she lived with her parents. He had a criminal record, but not a bad enough one that Immigration accepted his application. He owed the US government for taxes from his business (workmens compensation) when he had staff working, plus other taxes, bills, and Child Support for two children of which now amounts to close to $17,000. American. He wanted my children out of my life and finally had my 16 year old removed from the home. He has some sort of mental disorder and has always been so paranoid and does not know when to stop when he feels threatened by anyone in my life. It would take me forever to put everything on paper so that you would really understand. I lived in fear for a long time and have records that I gave my lawyer, along with affidavits from myself and other people. I work in a Municipal Office and had been for 30 years and was very close to losing my job because I wasn't functioning properly. We were having our offices renovated and were in another location and SupportLink told the CAO that gates had to be installed not only for my safety, but for the other staff. When I went to the Police one morning with a co-worker after arriving at work from a really bad incident, the Officer told me after they reviewed the tape that it was one of the worse cases of abuse that they have seen in a long time. There was a Restraining Order in affect. I tried everything to make the marriage work, but I couldn't change him. He had to do it. I learned a lot by going to counselling, AlAnon and doing a lot of reading books and articles about abusive people.
I am now going back to court in August hopefully for the final time, but I doubt it because he won't listen to his own lawyer, let alone mine when it comes to sitting down and working everything out. We were married for 4.76 years and even with all of the documentation of the abuse, having him removed by the OPP and showing that he financially took me for a free ride the Judge ordered 5 years of support payments to him. At the 1st Settlement Conference the Judge had told him that there would be no more free rides and that 2 to 4 years of support would be what he would consider. I told the Judge that I paid his Child Support in the amount of $5,600. plus, for one year for his two children and he told me to get proof of it for the 2nd conference and I did. My ex even signed a statement to that affect. 9 months later was the 2nd conference. I was totally shocked at the 2nd Conference and now I have to get an Appraisal of the Home, of which I have paid every cent for from the beginning. My ex didn't want it done in the Town where I live because he said that there would be political influence. So he is supposed to get an Appraisal done too. He has been through 10 jobs and has been fired or quit all of them. He quit his job the Saturday before court on the Monday and told the Judge that he was going through a hard time and dealing with anxiety.
The Judge repeated my ex's state and also noted in a very up beat tone that he was becoming a Canadian Citizen in the following week, of which would have happened a week ago. I couldn't believe it. I had so much evidence of the abuse and the Judge was proud that this person was becoming a Canadian Citizen. All of the abuse has meant nothing. My ex even got legal aid for his lawyer and put a lien on the home. I took over all of the debts, plus my sister paid off some debts of which I have to pay her back. (She lives out west). My lawyer told me at the last conference that the court system probably won't consider that at debt, because we didn't get a legal agreement drawn up. I explained to her that I know many families that have borrowed money and they pay it back. I lose again. When it comes down to all of it, I have been through so much Psychological and Emotional Abuse. Just to name a few: Threats over my children; threatening to commit suicide if we broke up; following me around the house and also to work (as on the day I finally went to the police); watching me; harassing me. Controlling me in what I do; my time; not respecting my privacy, denying affection. Verbal Abuse in putting me down; making me feel stupid with the way he treats me or telling me that I am not a good mother; accusing me of having someone else in my life and attacking my self-esteem in many ways; ranting and raving along with stomping around the home. He kept a police baton under his side of the bed to intimidate me; living in fear with his anger; afraid to wake up in the morning and also to come home after work wondering what will be next. Harrassment – waking me up at 5:00 a.m. in the morning to argue over whatever was bothering him - Mental Health – “Anger Management” Counsellor had to tell him to stop doing this – Christine said that this was harassment. They called me from Anger Management when he got hostile and told me to get on the main floor as he was on his way home. He would refer to himself as Satan especially when he was drinking and this would happen at 6:00 a.m. in the morning, telling me that he was going to have his friends over from Anger Management and hold a Satanic Ritual on the Saturday night; Sexual Abuse – of which I had to have surgery in the Hospital; Financial Abuse – spending family income including my money, not caring how I was going to pay the bills and to the point that it has hurt my credit rating (referred to as financially being raped when I went to legal aid). Spiritual Abuse – Putting me down and attacking my spiritual beliefs. With all of this I have very little self-esteem, self blame and guilt; depression; anxiety; stress and difficulty sleeping and eating.
________________________________________
I am on holidays now and I feel like I can't handle going through all of this anymore, because I feel like I am being punished again with the court system. They don't take into consideration why the marriage ended. I don't understand this and I can't accept this. It is so wrong. Lately, I have been falling apart more and more. I am going to counselling again, but can't get in for another two weeks. I am so alone with no one to talk to that really understands what I have been through and what I am going through now.
I know that I have to move on, but right now it is like asking the world of me.
If anyone out there can give me any words of wisdom I would be more than grateful. Thanks for reading and trying to understand what I have been through and still trying to get through. PK
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Old 07-04-2006, 11:23 PM
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PrincessKatie,

welcome to the forum

sorry to hear that has happened. There is no doubt that this is really stressful for you. It is good that you have legal representation. A lot of employers offer Employee Assistance program for counseling. You do need your rest, and to eat properly to maintain your strength.

lv
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Old 07-05-2006, 01:08 AM
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p..katie
I FEEL your pain and exhaustion. If it's any consolation, mine has been and still is, no walk in the park. You think , I'm the good one here ...how can this be legal. It's criminal. My right ear has been permanently damaged because of my ex---do you think charges were laid against him?????You wonder how you've put your heart and soul into been a good person, mother, worker, productive member of socety and live by the rules........and then 1 person shags up the entire scenario and you start over but the energy is zapped, the savings are gone, you're kicking yourself etc.
but.....yOU ARE A GREAT PEROSN WHO HAS TWO CHILDREN WHO LOVE YOU; IF YOU MADE THE MISTAKE OF PUTTING HUSBAND FIRST, THEN REMEDY THIS WITH CHILDREN NOW.
DON'T LET ANYONE TAKE AWAY YOUR SPIRITUALITY AND BELIEFS!!!!!This is when you need your strong beliefs more than ever--they can take all the material things away but they can't take away who you are,or what you believe and stand for. You are not the bad guy here.
Did you appeal the decision???
"Greater is He who is in me than he who is in the world"
Keep posting whether to vent , chat, or get advice--we're all here for the same reason. I will say a pray for you tonight(when I go to bed in about 2 minutes ha--it's1:00 a.m)aaaaaaagggggggg.
Kep smiling and stay as serene as possible.
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Old 07-18-2006, 09:13 AM
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PK,

You are definately in a tough battle ... and as GKTT said, they can take away some things but not all things ... the world may batter our bodies, our minds but it can NEVER touch that pure observer inside you, your true self that watchs and advises you. Challenge is this, the world is like the loud speaker, drowning one with 'noise' to keep you distracted, while the real, pure you, whispers what to do.

Having just come back from vacation with the kids from the deep country woods, I had the opportunity to listen to what was/is being said to me. I may not like what is being said at times, but I accept it on faith that all works out in the end. The message came to me from other people, from inside, from prayer, from reading my books I had brougt up to read and believe it or not Star wars episode III! As I watched the movie, I stopped reading for a sec, glanced over at the TV and movie that the kids were watching and there was Yoda talking to Anikan in an scene and my message was relayed once again. Lord, he has SO many ways of reaching us! I laughed realizing and acknowledging the message intended to move me forward and throught my ordeal.

As I said before, one is only tested as far as they can be without being broken. Seems at a deeper level, you are much more stronger and mature and important than you may realize. Remember would you fight for something that was of no value? Probably not. However, would you fight for something that was of GREAT value. Probably so. Seems there is a battle raging and you are caught in the middle -- as you said, "He would refer to himself as Satan especially when he was drinking and this would happen at 6:00 a.m. in the morning, telling me that he was going to have his friends over from Anger Management and hold a Satanic Ritual on the Saturday night; Sexual Abuse – of which I had to have surgery in the Hospital; Financial Abuse – spending family income including my money, not caring how I was going to pay the bills and to the point that it has hurt my credit rating (referred to as financially being raped when I went to legal aid). Spiritual Abuse – Putting me down and attacking my spiritual beliefs. With all of this I have very little self-esteem, self blame and guilt; depression; anxiety; stress and difficulty sleeping and eating" -- YOU are the TREASURE, Satan cannot win, he was already defeated -- he (Satan) wants you SO bad that he's using every trick he knows -- I'm just honored to know and have the opportunity to have read and responded to your plight -- knowing full well, you are a TREASURE of GREAT importance!

Hubby
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Old 07-18-2006, 05:11 PM
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Default Accepting the Justice System

Thank you for your support. I used to pray to God all of the time, especially during the abuse. God gave me the strength to end the marriage, but I feel like I am still paying for it dearly, mentally and financially. When does it all end. I had my first session today with a Councellor and it went well, except that I feel like there is no Justice and there is nothing I can do about it. What do you do? PK
Quote:
Originally Posted by hubby
PK,

You are definately in a tough battle ... and as GKTT said, they can take away some things but not all things ... the world may batter our bodies, our minds but it can NEVER touch that pure observer inside you, your true self that watchs and advises you. Challenge is this, the world is like the loud speaker, drowning one with 'noise' to keep you distracted, while the real, pure you, whispers what to do.

Having just come back from vacation with the kids from the deep country woods, I had the opportunity to listen to what was/is being said to me. I may not like what is being said at times, but I accept it on faith that all works out in the end. The message came to me from other people, from inside, from prayer, from reading my books I had brougt up to read and believe it or not Star wars episode III! As I watched the movie, I stopped reading for a sec, glanced over at the TV and movie that the kids were watching and there was Yoda talking to Anikan in an scene and my message was relayed once again. Lord, he has SO many ways of reaching us! I laughed realizing and acknowledging the message intended to move me forward and throught my ordeal.

As I said before, one is only tested as far as they can be without being broken. Seems at a deeper level, you are much more stronger and mature and important than you may realize. Remember would you fight for something that was of no value? Probably not. However, would you fight for something that was of GREAT value. Probably so. Seems there is a battle raging and you are caught in the middle -- as you said, "He would refer to himself as Satan especially when he was drinking and this would happen at 6:00 a.m. in the morning, telling me that he was going to have his friends over from Anger Management and hold a Satanic Ritual on the Saturday night; Sexual Abuse – of which I had to have surgery in the Hospital; Financial Abuse – spending family income including my money, not caring how I was going to pay the bills and to the point that it has hurt my credit rating (referred to as financially being raped when I went to legal aid). Spiritual Abuse – Putting me down and attacking my spiritual beliefs. With all of this I have very little self-esteem, self blame and guilt; depression; anxiety; stress and difficulty sleeping and eating" -- YOU are the TREASURE, Satan cannot win, he was already defeated -- he (Satan) wants you SO bad that he's using every trick he knows -- I'm just honored to know and have the opportunity to have read and responded to your plight -- knowing full well, you are a TREASURE of GREAT importance!

Hubby
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Old 07-20-2006, 02:52 PM
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PK,

There are things within your control and things that are not within your control. Focus on what is within your control.

You cannot change the weather or actions of others, however there are things you can control like your actions, your thoughts and your beliefs amonst many other things.

There are things you can do, if you choose. To do nothing is to play the victim.

Hubby
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Old 06-25-2011, 11:05 AM
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It will end and you will be better. It has taken me a while but I am loving my alone time and getting better.

Just think he will do it to someone else too. People like him don't change, just like my ex. I am so glad to be done with him and anyone that is associated with him. We will both slowly get us back and we will be better for it.

I am sorry because I just realized this is like five years old. SORRY.

Man did I ever make a fool out of myself

Last edited by atlanticcanadian; 06-25-2011 at 11:06 AM. Reason: Error
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Old 06-25-2011, 07:34 PM
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This thread is 5 years old!
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Old 06-25-2011, 08:13 PM
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I messed up. I apologize.
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Old 06-25-2011, 08:16 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by atlanticcanadian View Post
I messed up. I apologize.
kinda makes you wonder how it turned out for the original poster though.
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