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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 02-26-2011, 08:49 AM
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Default First Post...why does this have to hurt so much ?

Had the "bomb" dropped on my 3 weeks ago . Never saw it coming.

So far 3 weeks of pure hell with a million questions and no answers.

Have had 1 marriage counselling session but now have to wait 2 weeks for the next one.

What exactly does " I need my space " mean ?
From what I can tell right now it means,I have to keep paying the bills, go to work and look after the kids. It also seems to mean I have to sleep somewhere else and stop trying to talk to my wife .
I tried to sleep at relatives but that only lasted a few nights. I just couldn't stay away from my kids.

Why does she have to lie about everything ? (ie: where she goes till midnight every night).
Am I being played for a fool for a while until the weather gets better and she is secure in her finances ?
Why has she stopped looking after the house ?
Why has she confided in our friends but rips my head off if I ask them about anything ?
Why did she sugar coat it to her parents and tell them we're just having a small problem when she tells close friends that its over.
Why did she stop wearing her wedding rings ?

Why does this have to hurt so much ?

I am in limbo right now, not knowing if I need to try to get on with my life or keep grasping at the slight chance that this is a bad dream and we will manage to put this all back together.
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Old 02-26-2011, 09:35 AM
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Originally Posted by sens19 View Post
What exactly does " I need my space " mean ?
There's no room for a threesome and you got the short straw.
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Old 02-26-2011, 10:34 AM
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Why did you stop living in the house? You still have equal right to be there. Tell her TO leave, and move back.

And stop talking to her is a good thing....

Last edited by tugofwar; 02-26-2011 at 10:39 AM.
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Old 02-26-2011, 10:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtotheend View Post
There's no room for a threesome and you got the short straw.
Yikes. Going to have to agree with DTTE, sounds like there may be someone else. Especially if she is always coming home late as you say. I am so sorry, I know how hard that can be. Honestly, the only thing that is going to help the hurt is time. If she's not agreeing to counselling, maybe take a step back for a bit. Sometimes the more you ask for something it just ends up pushing the other person away more.
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Old 02-26-2011, 03:48 PM
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There are two rules in divorce.

1. You don't leave the matrimonial home. You cover your ass. Get a recorder so she can't accuse while your in the home.

2. You don't leave without your kids, and you remain an integral part in their lives.

In the courts, defacto custody plays a huge role in many respects.

Keep your calm, and always have your kids in the forefront of your mind; not your ex. This will help you to keep your focus.

Close all joint accounts, otherwise your on hook for half regardless.

Save "your" money. Gather 12 months of all banking records, personal, and kids records, including marraige liscence.

This will give you a starting point where you are at least protected if things should go awry.

Do not get into heated arguments, and watch how much you are drinking/otherwise.

Keep as much as you can, the kids out of the drama.

Good luck
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Old 02-26-2011, 04:14 PM
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I would have to disagree with the automatic assumption that there is someone else. When I was going through the worst part of my marriage breakdown, when I managed to get out of the house for any reason, I dreaded coming home. After my errand, I'd go to the library till it closed, and then come home and sit in the car in the driveway for ages, listening to the radio, until I finally managed to work up the courage to go back into the house. There was no one else in my life; I just found the house very oppressive.

An affair could certainly be the case, but it's not the only situation.

As for the rest of your questions, whatever she's going through, she's very internally focused right now, and doesn't notice, or care, what you're going through.

This is one of those situations you have to hope for the best but prepare for the worst. Be self-defensive; make copies of all financial information and documentation and keep it somewhere safe from her, like at work. Any valuables you have that are yours alone, hide away too. Freeze joint accounts and credit cards if you are worried about her spending the money. Get a digital voice recorder and wear it when you are around her to protect you in the event she makes a false domestic violence complaint.

Don't move out. She's the one initiating all this; she can move out. Especially if she's out a lot anyway and making you do the housework and look after the kids without helping.

"I need my space." might just mean "stop asking me all these damn questions!" But it sounds like she's got her mind set, and is just being a coward about telling you the details and the reasons (and a coward about telling her family the truth too). You may never get them. I think that's the worst part about marriage breakup. One person has usually gotten way ahead in the process before the other even figures out what the hell just happened. Counselling may help if her mind isn't made up, but she may just be using it as a way for the counsellor to give you the news she can't seem to do herself. Go to sessions prepared to listen, instead of being confrontational and asking questions, and you may find out that way.

She lies to you because she's lying to herself. She can't tell you the truth if it means admitting it to herself first.

The limbo part SUCKS, none of us will deny that, but focusing on your kids helps. They are innocent in all this, and if you thought the upheaval you are facing was awful, for them it's ten times worse because it's all out of their control. You may not feel like it right now, but you do have control.

Last edited by Rioe; 02-26-2011 at 04:15 PM. Reason: can't figure out why this is so teeny or fix it! sorry!
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Old 02-28-2011, 02:40 PM
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Rioe,

I also know someone else who is separated and living in the same house. He is doing the same thing, leaving the house once the kids are in bed, going to the gym or just out for a walk. Takes the possibility of argument away if he stays away and gives him a little space.

Doesn't always mean an affair.
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Old 03-02-2011, 07:09 AM
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Just to clarify, I only slept outside the home a few nights because she asked me to (as she wanted some time to think and have some space) and it was only after the kids went to bed.

I thought we might be making some progress in the last couple of days as we have been talking and trying to see if this can still work.

It might have taken a step backwards last night though.

Still way too many things up in the air though but I will take slim hope over no hope at all anytime.

The worst part is the loneliness and the confusion.

Everyone who actually really cares about us is telling us to work it out and stay together. I am on board. I hope she is too.

I find this forum very therapeutic. Now if someone can just tell me how to magically make this all better, I am all ears.
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Old 03-21-2011, 11:35 PM
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I feel like anything I say might sound pretentious, but the two most important things anyone told me when Cecilia left, 1) "everything you are feeling is completely normal", 2) "You will survive this, and go on to be better than before" (with or without her). It's impossible to believe at the time, but it really is true. Hang in there, you may never entirely understand what happened, but you will grow beyond it. Sadly it takes a while - about 18 months for me.

I agree with the other posts, she's in trauma now too - it's unlikely she will be able to give you rational answers. This may quite possibly be more damaging to her than you in the long run. If you can manage to treat her with patience and respect despite the brutality she is inflicting, you will take pride in that for the rest of your life.

If it's some one else you are fighting chemicals, and it would be easier to get her off heroin than bring her back. It has nothing to do with you, it's just human failure.

As for making it better; once you've protected yourself, and made it clear that you are willing to do what you can to save the marriage, all that is left is managing grief. For me that included a) keeping busy, b) listening to music (therapeutic), c) strangely, reviewing favorite memories and photo albums d) finding someone to talk to - talking here is good, a counselor is good, long walks with a good friend if possible e) exercise - cycling, long walks, the gym

Just my 2 cents

Lorne
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Old 03-22-2011, 08:52 AM
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Everyone is giving you some really useful help here. Unfortunately, there is no magic wand. I'm sure your head is spinning and that is normal. Being blind sided is never easy. It is natural that you have a million emotions swirling around. Journal. get a counsellor for yourself, allow yourself a certain amount of time to be consumed with the emotion because you will anyway.

BUT, make sure you segment time that isn't run by emotion so that you can prevent yourself further heart ache down the road. Take off your emotional hat and put on your business one and say to yourself "this hour is dedicated to rational thinking and getting things done". In this hour you need to follow the directives listed by the people above. You need to get copies of your papers in order - mortgage, accounts, (close joint accounts and joint credit cards), DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. Emotionally, we all get it. You may want to run for the hills but this neither serves you or the kids. If she wants to leave that is her choice but you need to stay focused on keeping routine for the kids and protecting your self.

I know it is near impossible to separate your emotions out of this equation. Have you emotions with your friends but you are in the business of raising children so keep that rational mind in charge of the choices you make.

My heart goes out to you.
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