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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 08-18-2012, 07:38 AM
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Default Few Questions

Hi

So my vacation was nice but while I was gone her having the house to herself was a huge mistake.
She has gone through everything, papers, pictures you name it. I haven't a clue whats missing.

Anyways she has changed her routine dramatically, leaves in the early morning, returns late in the evening...last night she came in about 7pm and left around 11pm or midnight still is not home yet. Kitchen looked liked a football team hit it. Heard her throwing up in the bathroom several times.

My questions I hope someone can answer.

1. we have a car, its in her name. she takes it all day and we have zero way of getting about. Does she have legal ownership? no my name is not on the ownership paper.

2. she has struck both kids in the face..open hand while they sat in the back of the car acting up..this was a year ago is there anything that can be done?

3. My wife asked my to sign a paper to release her from any and all financial liability to our house.. If I sign it can I kick her out?

4. This is my last question and somewhat important, if she gets a mood on and leaves can she take the kids with her? No papers that I know of have been filed for custody but then again they could have. But if not and it's just her wanting to go and take the kids can she do it?

My son is 13 and wont go, and as far and I know he his old enough to express his rights and opinions, my daughter however is 7 and if she takes her it will break my heart, she means a great deal to me and we are very close.

5. CAS came to our house a while ago... When he spoke to my son he wanted to tell the guy about her hitting him but was to scared and emotional. Should I bring this up with him or leave it alone. My son wants me to press the issue so am I'm being petty, my wife can be very hostile at times. Just ask the whole block we live on.

I'm so frustrated and tired, head games are for the school yard not adult life. She has cancelled any service in her name, the hydro is getting cut off, I have to make arrangements with them to switch in to my name. She cut the phone off... I have no home phone. Then comes home and watches tv like everything is peachy. If I didn't have kids I swear I'd jump in front of a train.

6. How the hell do you sleep? I cant shut my damn head off. Everything over and over. I cant concentrate on tv to get in to a movie or show.
I think I have lost 10 pounds or so and I'm a small guy, losing weight is not good. Soon a gust of wind might carry me off. I'm starving but when I go to eat it just makes me want to puke. I bet I have a 29" waist.
I don't drink but sometimes wish I did, I don't smoke... There is a rut in my hallway floor I have wore from pacing. Things that need to get done are getting pushed aside. Everything is a mess. She wants to go I wish she would and we could start to regain some normal day to day life.

Oh and she has found this site ( hi ) and has likely made an account. She knows my username now. The thread title was a dead give away.
So she now knows anything and everything and had adjusted herself accordingly. I assume this is why she is gone all day.

Sorry I guess I wasn't done at number 4, I tend to rant on a bit when I'm frustrated. I keep this to myself. I do not talk about personal life with friends or family. I find this whole thing rather embarrassing.
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Old 08-18-2012, 10:18 AM
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Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
She has gone through everything, papers, pictures you name it. I haven't a clue whats missing.
It is the matrimonial home and she has as much of a right to go through everything as you have. More than likely she now has a lawyer or someone providing instruction to document, document and document everything. Gathering evidence of financials etc and other important relevant materials. You can do the same and probably should do an inventory and remove any of your own personal belongings (paperwork) and should have done that prior to vacating the matrimonial home.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
Anyways she has changed her routine dramatically, leaves in the early morning, returns late in the evening...last night she came in about 7pm and left around 11pm or midnight still is not home yet. Kitchen looked liked a football team hit it. Heard her throwing up in the bathroom several times.
Just document it and continue to focus on the children's needs. Don't raise it with the other parent unless there is a risk of physical and/or emotional harm to the children. The other parent has every right to go out and you have every right to document, document and document the results.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
My questions I hope someone can answer.

1. we have a car, its in her name. she takes it all day and we have zero way of getting about. Does she have legal ownership? no my name is not on the ownership paper.
Yes, the car is legally her property if your name is not on the paperwork. You may have a claim to the vehicle from an equalization perspective but, if you were to call in the vehicle as stolen, complain that you can't use it, etc... to law enforcement they would not be able to do anything.

If you have keys to the vehicle you may want to consider returning them to the legal owner and get your own vehicle.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
2. she has struck both kids in the face..open hand while they sat in the back of the car acting up..this was a year ago is there anything that can be done?
Why didn't you contact CAS / law enforcement at that time? The matter is hearsay and you failed to protect your children from the abuse you are alleging and not only will the police/CAS find it hard to believe... So will a family court justice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
3. My wife asked my to sign a paper to release her from any and all financial liability to our house.. If I sign it can I kick her out?
I wouldn't sign anything unless you consult with a lawyer on the contents of the paperwork. Furthermore, if you were to "kick her out" you would appear hostile and aggressive potentially. The paperwork you should sign should identify a time line for a transition of the other parent to another residence.

Locking out someone, kicking them out and aggressively throwing them out of the residence, unless you and/or the children are at risk of danger is not something I would recommend.

You would need "exclusive posession" of the home to be clearly stated and a restraining order to "kick" someone out of the house. Generally this creates more conflict... You were presented an offer to settle on the house... This demonstrates that the other party is being reasonable. Sign an agreement and then throwing someone out of the house really doesn't put you in the best light and position.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
4. This is my last question and somewhat important, if she gets a mood on and leaves can she take the kids with her? No papers that I know of have been filed for custody but then again they could have. But if not and it's just her wanting to go and take the kids can she do it?
Section 283.(1) of the Criminal Code of Canada covers this. There are more than enough postings regarding this matter. Please review the following for some insight into the removal of children from their habitual residence without consent or a court order:

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...shoping-12010/

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...duction-11646/

http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/f...ase-law-12665/

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
My son is 13 and wont go, and as far and I know he his old enough to express his rights and opinions,
You are incorrect. The legal age is 14. Please see above links. It relates to section 283.(1) of the CCC which defines the age of abduction as any child under the age of 14.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
my daughter however is 7 and if she takes her it will break my heart, she means a great deal to me and we are very close.
7 and 13 are well above the standard ages for which an abduction (removal of a child without consent or a court order) would be probable. Both children know you quite well, have lived with you their entire lives, both speak English (assuming) and would express to both the other parent and strangers (especially the 13 year old) that they don't know where their father is.

... Continued ...
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Old 08-18-2012, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
5. CAS came to our house a while ago... When he spoke to my son he wanted to tell the guy about her hitting him but was to scared and emotional.
CAS is not the only service (health care) provider that can assist your son with his emotional needs. One would assume your son has a family practioner who may be a part of a family health team (Ontario) that would have to have a clinical social worker on staff that could assist your son with his fears/anxieties/worries/emotions.

Furthermore, the Kid's Help Phone, a highly effective and well respected service for children and teens is another alternative for your son to seek help through. Provide your son the telephone number and website. There are professionals there to help your son, assess his needs and help him find the right medical services and other services to address his needs.

Kids Help Phone - free, anonymous, 24/7 telephone and online counselling | Kids Help Phone

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
Should I bring this up with him or leave it alone. My son wants me to press the issue so am I'm being petty, my wife can be very hostile at times. Just ask the whole block we live on.
Encourage your son to talk to his doctor, call the Kid's Help Phone and to talk to professionals about it. This is where you should not be trying to leverage allegations against the other parent to "win" but, to seek out appropriate health care services to meet your son's needs. Plenty exist and encourage him it is ok to talk to someone and to seek out someone to help him understand everything going on.

If these independent third parties feel your son and/or daughter are at risk of emotional and/or physical harm they are required, under law to act in accordance with the law and report the abuse.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
I'm so frustrated and tired, head games are for the school yard not adult life. She has cancelled any service in her name, the hydro is getting cut off, I have to make arrangements with them to switch in to my name. She cut the phone off... I have no home phone. Then comes home and watches tv like everything is peachy. If I didn't have kids I swear I'd jump in front of a train.
The other parent clearly is getting legal advice. I highly recommend you do the same. Furthermore, why are all the bills in the other parent's name?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
6. How the hell do you sleep? I cant shut my damn head off. Everything over and over. I cant concentrate on tv to get in to a movie or show.

I think I have lost 10 pounds or so and I'm a small guy, losing weight is not good. Soon a gust of wind might carry me off. I'm starving but when I go to eat it just makes me want to puke. I bet I have a 29" waist.

I don't drink but sometimes wish I did, I don't smoke... There is a rut in my hallway floor I have wore from pacing. Things that need to get done are getting pushed aside. Everything is a mess. She wants to go I wish she would and we could start to regain some normal day to day life.
You are potentially expressing feelings of hopelessness, have admitted to interupted sleeping patterns, anxieties (worries) etc... I implore you to seek out mental health help. It cannot and will not be used against you. Your health is important and this entire quote above this paragraph should be concerning to you... Enough to seek out the proper medical attention.

These are signs of possibly depression and/or anxiety which could have a significant impact on both your physical and mental health awareness.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
Oh and she has found this site ( hi ) and has likely made an account. She knows my username now. The thread title was a dead give away.
And will be attaching this cogent and relevant evidence to an affidavit as you have identified whom you are potentially enough in your messages if what you state is truthful and the subsequent responses you get.

I highly recommend you seek appropriate legal counsel and assistance for your potentially developing health issues and risks.

Note to presiding judge and/or CAS and/or registered professional (doctor, lawyer, social worker, et all...) I am of the strong personal opinion that this family, as stated by the *very* Honourable Mr. Justice Quinn in Bruni v. Bruni that this family needs intervention from the health care system and not legal intervention:

Quote:

Bruni v. Bruni, 2010 ONSC 6568 (CanLII)
Date: 2010-11-29
Docket: 384/07
URL: CanLII - 2010 ONSC 6568 (CanLII)
Citation: Bruni v. Bruni, 2010 ONSC 6568 (CanLII)

[1] Paging Dr. Freud. Paging Dr. Freud.

[2] This is yet another case that reveals the ineffectiveness of Family Court in a bitter custody/access dispute, where the parties require therapeutic intervention rather than legal attention...
I implore any Justice and/or registered professional to heed the above warning committed to case law and assist this family in getting the proper help they need and not additional unnecessary conflict. Children are the most important asset we have in Canada. I implore you to consider the best interests of the children involved and bring forward creative solutions for this family whom is clearly in need rather than the traditional methodologies that can often result in unnecessary conflict that destroys families and most importantly hurts our most important asset - the children whom are involved involuntary in this type of conflict.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
So she now knows anything and everything and had adjusted herself accordingly. I assume this is why she is gone all day.
Probably has legal counsel of some sort and preparing for the thunderstorm that is about to roll over your family if the conflict continues.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
Sorry I guess I wasn't done at number 4, I tend to rant on a bit when I'm frustrated. I keep this to myself. I do not talk about personal life with friends or family. I find this whole thing rather embarrassing.
You should be talking about this situation with the other parent, your clinician and most importantly a lawyer possibly. I highly recommend you seek appropriate assistance in these matters rather than "ranting" as you suggest on a public message forum.

Please, for the sake of your children and family, seek the appropriate forms of support you all need,
Tayken
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Old 08-18-2012, 10:40 AM
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I can identify with the anxiety and the weight loss. Feeling like you could evaporate from the stress. Go immediately and see your doctor. You need to be put on medication that will help with your anxiety. Next/while you're there, get a referral to a psychiatrist - you need to speak with a qualified professional. I understand the loss of appetite, but you will go to hell in a handbasket quick if you do not sustain yourself. Go get some vitamins (drug store) and up your calorie intake.

I feel bad for you. You are having numerous physical and emotional responses to stress. Somehow, you need to pull yourself together. This is nothing to be embarassed by and I urge you to confide in a trusted friend, or family member. It is not possible to get through any of this without some support.

PS; I would really hate it if my ex was on this forum, but I don't regret nor would I deny a single thing I have said.
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Old 08-18-2012, 12:00 PM
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I just read thru Bruni v Bruni. An incredible read.
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Old 08-18-2012, 12:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mr.Worthless View Post
1. we have a car, its in her name. she takes it all day and we have zero way of getting about. Does she have legal ownership? no my name is not on the ownership paper.
She owns the care. The dollar value will be included in equalization calculations, but you do not have a claim to the actual car, any more than you have a claim to her socks and underware, it is her personal property. Be sure to disengage from any shared expenses like insurance, maintainence, etc. Pay attention to things like credit cards that are jointly used, joint bank accounts, etc. Anything joint should be closed or frozen immediately.

Quote:
2. she has struck both kids in the face..open hand while they sat in the back of the car acting up..this was a year ago is there anything that can be done?
It's hearsay and not admissible. In the future if anything happens, if YOU report it, it will look like a biased attack by an ex spouse. The proper way to handle it is to take the child to her doctor, have the child report to the doctor (preferably with you out of the room) what happened, have the doctor detail the child's report and any bruises. The doctor is required to report this to the CAS, and you will also be able to use the doctor's report as evidence.

You have a responsibility to your child to take steps when they are abused. You do not really have the choice to "let it go and hope it never happens again." Your child is not able to take these steps themselves, you have the duty to take the steps. If you don't, you are complicit and enabling the other to hurt the child.

Quote:
3. My wife asked my to sign a paper to release her from any and all financial liability to our house.. If I sign it can I kick her out?
The house is the matrimonial home until you have a court order or a signed separation agreement. She has a right to live there. She has a right to 50% of the value of the house. She has an equal right as you do to go to court and seek sole possession (that is, kick you out, with a court order.) If you want her out, then negotiate with her, put all other issues on hold, get her to agree to a signed separation agreement severing the issue of possession of the home (who gets to live there) from other issues. In other words, have a "mini-separation agreement". Deal with this and get it signed off by your lawyers, or at least witnessed and notarized. The other option is to put together a list of factual reasons why you should have sole possession and go to court and get an order.

If she moves out on her own, she still has a right to reasonable access to come and get her stuff, and to check that you aren't destroying the place (to protect her financial interest in the property.) Act respectfully, and expect her to act respectfully. If she doesn't, that doesn't give you the right to be an ass.

Quote:
4. This is my last question and somewhat important, if she gets a mood on and leaves can she take the kids with her? No papers that I know of have been filed for custody but then again they could have. But if not and it's just her wanting to go and take the kids can she do it?
She can move out and take the kids but she MUST tell you where they are, she must give you full contact information, and she must co-operate with you having regular access to the children.

There is confusion about what "child abduction" is. If you know where the children are, they are within reasonable distanct for access, you are able to see them and preferable they stay with you overnights as well, then they have not been abducted, they just have two homes with separated parents.

The courts will not sieze the children and give you full custody, they way they would do if she fled the country with them. If she makes reasonable effort to keep you informed, and you have reasonable access, the courts will not hold it against her in any way. If she tries to move them to another jurisdiction, out of the school, or to another city, you may get an emergency motion to halt the move, or to return the children.

In the long run, if she tries to deny you access to the children or limit it, she can be labeled as non-co-operative and this can be A REASON to seek full custody. If you show yourself as the co-operative parent and always reasonable, and she is unco-operative, then you can use this as reason to show you should be given custody. You are in effect the friendly gatekeeper who encourages the children to have an equal, healthy relationshiop with both mum and dad. This how you want to be seen and all your actions should reflect this.

You should also have records to show this. Above AVOID PHONE CALLS AND IN PERSON CONVERSATION. These cannot be proven, so if she denies you access, or is in any way unco-operative, get it in writing. USE EMAIL. Text is also good, but you have to jump through hoops to make it admissible evidence in court. (Best bet, take your phone to a notary, have a notarized transcript of the text conversations made. Get the notary to swear an affidavit of the authenticity. Make sure the notary sees the originating phone number and records the dates and times.)

Verbal conversations are a great way to get baited into an argument. Most people forget details and even when friendly can disagree about what was said and decided. Written conversation allows you time to think before you respond.

Quote:
My son is 13 and wont go, and as far and I know he his old enough to express his rights and opinions, my daughter however is 7 and if she takes her it will break my heart, she means a great deal to me and we are very close.
The 13 year old's wishes will be considered by a court, but it will be one reason for a decision; meaning, the decision will be made taking into account many reasons. When the child is 14 they will have a more concrete choice in the matter. You will need to have the child's wishes expressed in a believable way, that is not hearsay, meaning you can't just say "Charlie wants to live with me."
Quote:
5. CAS came to our house a while ago... When he spoke to my son he wanted to tell the guy about her hitting him but was to scared and emotional. Should I bring this up with him or leave it alone. My son wants me to press the issue so am I'm being petty, my wife can be very hostile at times. Just ask the whole block we live on.
Be very clear about this. Does the child fear to live with his mother because he feels that she will continue to hit him? Yes or no? Is this just something you want to bring up to make the mother look bad, or is there actual future danger? If there is danger, speak to the CAS and explain that to them, and invite them to interview the child. You may also ask for the Office of the Children's Lawyer to be involved, but this requires a court request and they only take on cases where they see the need. If you truly feel it is an issue, you have a duty to follow up.

Quote:
6. How the hell do you sleep? I cant shut my damn head off. Everything over and over. I cant concentrate on tv to get in to a movie or show.
I think I have lost 10 pounds or so and I'm a small guy, losing weight is not good. Soon a gust of wind might carry me off. I'm starving but when I go to eat it just makes me want to puke. I bet I have a 29" waist.
I don't drink but sometimes wish I did, I don't smoke... There is a rut in my hallway floor I have wore from pacing. Things that need to get done are getting pushed aside. Everything is a mess. She wants to go I wish she would and we could start to regain some normal day to day life.
Get a therapist, this is almost essential. It will also help save your legal costs believe it or not; the less time you spend talking to your lawyer about your worries and emotional state, the cheaper your costs.

From your description, join a gym, make the time, start working out. I'd recommend cutting caffeine, watch your sugar intake, eat three solid meals a day with a mix of meat, vegetables, grains, salad. What you want to do is have constant level of energy, not highs and lows from sugar rushes, snacking, coffee, booze, etc. You'll sleep better if you do a good hour of exercise.

Quote:
Oh and she has found this site ( hi ) and has likely made an account. She knows my username now. The thread title was a dead give away.
So she now knows anything and everything and had adjusted herself accordingly. I assume this is why she is gone all day.
Hopefully we help both of you to keep it amicable and sensible.
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Old 08-18-2012, 01:11 PM
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and another thing he should do is talk to his support system, his family and friends can help him just by listening to him.
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Old 08-18-2012, 01:21 PM
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Talking to a good friend or family member can help a lot. Doesn't solve everything but it gives you a chance to unburden yourself. Compassion, empathy and knowing there's someone supportive to listen helps tremendously. It's too much to keep it bottled up inside. Definitely seeking professional help is a must. The torture feels like it will never end, but it's vital that you recognize that it WILL.
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Old 08-18-2012, 08:19 PM
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So I am just going to have to tell you bluntly, the conversations we had - I was serious and I did bother to read your older posts plus..... - just to make sure - You really need to take heed in your life, what you may have lost during your vacation, to which I politely advized you to secure your valuables and your financials (written documents) before you left). It appears you did not.

As hard as it is fo rme to say, you were genually concerned for what your (I think it is still your wife) as you have yet to file, but she has done one of two things..... 1. got really smart and is leagues ahead of you in terms of everything you can think of, has the lawyer that has been eluded to here and 2. she has got really smart, but I would wonder if she had the stamina to go cold turkey on the narcotics and its, as you thought overuse in a few weeks but if you just got home..... You really need to protect yourself about as plainly as might be your next post AFTER GETTING OUT OF JAIL!

This sadly is something that she may just very well do out of desparation or whatever (I really can't describe how hard it has been on me these last six months - but I may just be the lucky one) you may not be so lucky and end up not only struggling to see your kids which you value so highly, but out of pocket 10's of thousands in legal fees after she decides that the best thing to do is go through with the BS but none the less real Arrest. Pick your charge.

The list, did you read it? did you get the best voice recorder you can to keeep on your person ( the kind that WILL let you download to a computer) and keep it running 24-7??? I wish I could give you some specific threads right on this sight for people who are dealing with the very dangerous position you are in today. Sorry to be so blunt, even antagonistic, or even red alarming for nothing --- but for you, with the drugs (and assuming the things you have said are somewhat accurate - it is hard to read what is in anothers head) but I really do not put anything past her if she feels threatened enough to act in what all here would consider unconciousable......

Please spend some time here like your "life and children depend on it" and learn what you need to start protecting yourself and asking the questions that will help you through this period. ---- good luck
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Old 08-19-2012, 09:22 AM
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Oh and she has found this site ( hi ) and has likely made an account. She knows my username now. The thread title was a dead give away.
So she now knows anything and everything and had adjusted herself accordingly. I assume this is why she is gone all day.
So you know that, and yet you don't create a new account, and continue to provide enough info to identify yourself? Not very smart.

Spend more time outside, do some sports, socialize. You need to switch your brain to thinking about other stuff. For me, I was fine when I was with other people. When I got home, it was depressing.
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