Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce Support

Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 03-28-2015, 12:26 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 145
annapurna66 is on a distinguished road
Default Feeling beaten up and need suggestions

I would like to hear from others who have successfully managed to stop their legal dispute from invading into their lives? After 4 years, I feel disillusioned, bullied and quite frankly traumatized by the whole legal system. How have people managed to let go of the resentment and anger in order to get back to living? (especially when court procedures are still ongoing). I have dreams about hiring a hit-man...not for my ex...but for his lawyer. I'm thinking there might be more productive ways of moving on?? lol
Reply With Quote
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 03-28-2015, 01:39 PM
Janibel's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Way up North
Posts: 1,497
Janibel will become famous soon enough
Default

anna, I understand exactly how you feel, especially about your Ex's lawyer. Understand that it's in 'his' best (financial) interest's to get under your skin. Lawyers are paid to intimidate and make you feel like scum - that's all part of the game and it is a game to them.

Before the end, my Ex had hired 3 different lawyers and each one had his own method of annoyance! Just keep in mind that the judge is the only one who gets to decide how things will be settled and the more you react to the lawyer's crap, the happier they are .... so don't.

I know it's not easy, but simply try to deal with each request, case conference or court appearance as calmly as possible. Eventually this will end. There were times when I wanted to spit in my Ex's lawyer's face, the arrogant a$$hole instinctively knew how to get to me .... it's all part of the strategy to wear you down and accept their lopsided conditions ... RESIST!!!

The best way to get things finalized is to disengage, ignore when possible and the 'beast' will choke on it's own poison...

Good luck and stay strong!
Reply With Quote
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 03-29-2015, 11:21 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 145
annapurna66 is on a distinguished road
Default

Thanks Janibel....unfortunately their strategy to wear me down worked at last SC as I mostly folded and gave in. SHould have asked you for your "resist" pep talk before!! You are so right though...giving in or feeding the beast only makes it more hungry. What I thought was a signed final settlement after the last SC...only morphed into another application from my ex 6 weeks later. Hard lesson to learn...as my reasons for giving in were mostly to put this behind me and move on. Guess I will have more opportunity to practise the fine art of resisting...or not getting bullied.
Reply With Quote
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 03-29-2015, 12:09 PM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,854
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

What has kept me sane through the past 5 years (12 x ) of being dragged to court by my ex is pure and simple anger. Fortunately I have had the services of an excellent lawyer who tempers my outrage by effective editing of my affidavits. I realized soon after the start of my litigation woes that if I didn't stand up for myself that nobody would. Incredible amounts of money were expended on lawyers but better the lawyers get it than my ex's g/f.

As an aside, today would have been my 35th wedding anniversary. I will always carry mixed emotions about the ordeal as I do remember years-gone-by of very happy times. We produced a son and made many good friends over the years. For that I will always be grateful. The absolute 'icing on the cake' is that I won't have the burden of looking after my whining, miserable ex in his old age. So I guess, all-in-all, things aren't so bad and yes, the fight was definitely worth the end result if you take everything into consideration.

Don't relent if giving in is something you will regret in the future. Get angry and stand your ground.

And by the way I did seriously consider having someone physically wake my ex up from his idiocy in the early years following our divorce. It would have been relatively simple to arrange, however, I quickly surmised that he simply wasn't worth it (these things aren't cheap).

I'd suggest while you stay angry (to catapult you through litigation years) you take up a physically challenging activity or sport. Volunteering is also excellent as it gives you perspective on really how insignificant your situation is in the world. Quit talking about your situation to your friends (if you haven't all ready). Someone once told me to envision my funeral and what you want people to remember me by - woman going through bad divorce or kind, generous person.

Last edited by arabian; 03-29-2015 at 12:17 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 03-29-2015, 01:46 PM
Janibel's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Way up North
Posts: 1,497
Janibel will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by annapurna66 View Post
Thanks Janibel....unfortunately their strategy to wear me down worked at last SC as I mostly folded and gave in.

Guess I will have more opportunity to practise the fine art of resisting...or not getting bullied.
Don't feel bad about that, just learn from it ... Most divorcing people feel that they got the short end of the stick in court - we all lose something, there's no getting around that fact.

My divorce was finalized this week and although I feel that it was a good-enough settlement, I know that I could have done better by digging in my heels. There comes a point where you have to cut your losses and move on for the sake of your health and sanity... life is short.

Don't second guess or regret your decisions (you'll drive yourself crazy) - accept whatever you have agreed with and try to make the best of things regardless. There are no clear winners in divorce, just people doing the best they can with what's left over after the carnage.

Last edited by Janibel; 03-29-2015 at 01:49 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 03-29-2015, 10:35 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 145
annapurna66 is on a distinguished road
Default

So true about knowing when to cut your losses. Its a hard decision to make when you are self-represented and being bullied by the other side. You just want it over. I have been going a wee bit crazy kicking myself for everything I gave up. I did it to finish the craziness and get out of the legal system...little did I realize that the other side did not have the same motives...and I would find myself right back in the thick of it again. I appreciate your comments...easy to beat oneself up...but without unlimited finances and/or a law degree...we all are just doing the best we can. Thanks for the helpful insights Janibel and Arabian...sometimes it just helps to know that others have been in the same rocky boat you have.
Reply With Quote
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 03-29-2015, 11:27 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 264
FirstTimer is on a distinguished road
Default

I had a two lawyers and I ended up firing both. With the last one telling me point blank, we would lose in court and I should negotiate. I went self presented last Tuesday and was able to keep primary custody of our son. I focused on the best interest of the child. So there are wins.

So to think I would have paid her 8K for basically nothing if I stayed with her

The best advice is you need to read Canlii. Look for similar cases like yours and educate yourself.

The reason the other side is sending you demands to sign out of court is because sometimes the lawyer knows they have an iffy chance that a judge would agree and hope because you don't know the law, you would just simply raise your hands up.

Look up and read up in Canlii. Read up on the best interests of the child law and focus on that. In the end, everything else is just smoke and mirrors.

You have nothing to lose, except time. Prepare yourself and remember, you are doing what's best for your child. And don't let his lawyer decide, let a judge decide. Remember this is for your kid.


Quote:
Originally Posted by annapurna66 View Post
So true about knowing when to cut your losses. Its a hard decision to make when you are self-represented and being bullied by the other side. You just want it over. I have been going a wee bit crazy kicking myself for everything I gave up. I did it to finish the craziness and get out of the legal system...little did I realize that the other side did not have the same motives...and I would find myself right back in the thick of it again. I appreciate your comments...easy to beat oneself up...but without unlimited finances and/or a law degree...we all are just doing the best we can. Thanks for the helpful insights Janibel and Arabian...sometimes it just helps to know that others have been in the same rocky boat you have.
Reply With Quote
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 03-30-2015, 01:56 PM
Janibel's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Way up North
Posts: 1,497
Janibel will become famous soon enough
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by FirstTimer View Post

The reason the other side is sending you demands to sign out of court is because sometimes the lawyer knows they have an iffy chance that a judge would agree and hope because you don't know the law, you would just simply raise your hands up. And don't let his lawyer decide, let a judge decide. Remember this is for your kid.
Absolutely! ^^^ Family law being what it is, there is no guarantee that going to trial will get you the deal you want - laws can be interpreted and judge's discretion is a toss of the dice. It's expensive nerve-wracking drama with often disappointing results.

By all means do your research into what a fair deal would be in your situation, weigh the pro's and con's. Bottom line is to agree on a settlement that you can live with, using the least amount of lawyer's intervention. Once you have a clear idea of what you are willing to settle for .... be firm and stand your ground.

Last edited by Janibel; 03-30-2015 at 01:58 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 03-30-2015, 06:08 PM
Hand of Justice
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: In the Shadows
Posts: 3,139
Links17 is on a distinguished road
Default

I think YOU need to NOT let the "legal" stuff invade your life.

Lets say all the legal stuff goes to hell, so what?

You are a woman I think, so what is the worst that happens, you get a bit less spousal support, maybe with your kids in shared custody not sole custody. You are at very LITTLE risk of "losing" anything and mostly what you get you probably don't deserve ethically (but legally you are entitled).

If you were a man you would at risk all the time of losing your child forever (when your ex decided so skip town). You can be sent to a jail, lose your license, passport, about 30% of your net income will given to your ex for the rest of her life practically and if you have shared you will STILL be paying her and paying the expenses of your chilren (which are pretty muhc not reduced even due to divorce).

The moral, is when you are woman in divorce - look at those beneath you who get more screwed than you (i.e: men) then sit back relax and know that no matter what the judge or the state will take care of you with or without your exhusband.

You can go to court and REFUSE spousal support and the judge will order you to get it anyways.
Reply With Quote
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 03-30-2015, 10:11 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 81
divorcing mama is on a distinguished road
Default

I do not agree with Link17. Ther court does not favour women over men. However I think it does favour the financially weaker party- that can be either the wife or husband. In certain professions women make up the majority- and a lot of them have a higher earning potential than their ex husbands. I think the moral is: being practical and reasonable.

I think I understand how frustrated Op is. I am on the verge of going pro se. I know what I want, what my bottom line is and I have spent way too much legal fee getting nowhere. The problem is my ex is so unpredictable. One day he wants to talk but when you follow up and see if he wants to meet to go over things, he becomes hesitant and wanting to consult his lawyer. Then lawyer of course uses the opportunity to make money and make a big deal out of it. Then ex comes back and his demeanour is totally different.
Reply With Quote
Reply


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 02:17 AM.