Ex was sent letter from my lawyer

[About_Time]

I'm not suggesting that SS work like CS, but was instead trying to illustrate that it is more unpredictable. With CS, I know when it ends and what the monthly amount will be - with SS, I have no such knowledge.

A more standardized system needs to be put in place for SS to help limit the guesswork, inconsistency and abuse commonplace under the current system. It's a completely different animal than CS though, so something new would have to be created. What that system would entail I will leave to smarter people than I, but change is needed.

I agree with you about the whole "shared income" thing. Way back in the beginning when the mediator talked about SS payments offsetting the discrepancies in our incomes I was like "but there SHOULD be a discrepancy in our incomes - because I WORK". Ah, naivety!

[Leila]

Today has been very confusing for me. I saw my lawyer, and I quite liked her, she is 7 months pregnant and very straightforward. She said she thought the separation agreement was fair except for one part- Spousal Support. As I'd said before I was not going to go for SS. This was due to the fact that I was being 'discharged' from marital debts. Come to find out I would not have had to pay for them. Come to find out, even if my husband declares bankruptcy he can still keep the house. Come to find out I am eligible for $1200-1400 a month for SS for 2.5 years. WTF? I think I will negotiate a reasonable SS amount. I have still been concerned for his welfare and wellbeing. I have been slow to realize that he doesn't care about me in the least and his credit rating is more important to him than human life. I haven't wanted to screw him over. My perspective IS changing now that I've had profesional advice. And you know what? It's not a good feeling.

[billm]

Originally Posted by Leila

... I think I will negotiate a reasonable SS amount. I have still been concerned for his welfare and wellbeing. I have been slow to realize that he doesn't care about me in the least and his credit rating is more important to him than human life. I haven't wanted to screw him over. My perspective IS changing now that I've had profesional advice. And you know what? It's not a good feeling.

Leila, how he feels about you or his credit rating is not relevant to a fair financial separation. I would hope that what your lawyer said is true - that she agrees with the asset/debt devision as this part should almost always be very simple - you each get half of the debts and assets and child support should be based on custody and incomes - simple.

Originally Posted by Leila

This was due to the fact that I was being 'discharged' from marital debts. Come to find out I would not have had to pay for them.

I am not sure what you mean by this, but all marital debts should be split equally as well as assets.

Spousal support should be the only tricky thing in a separation, and in realtiy it shoiuld be pretty clear what is fair. It should be based on what happened in the past, not on what happens in the future.

[enoughalready]

The system needs to stick with the childsupport as per the guidelines and leave out the so called extracurricular expenses. This is were the conflict arises most of the time. It would be much simpler you make this much and you pay this much for 2 kids and thats it. The constant chase for whatever they think they are entitled to needs to stop. The system we have in place just ruines the lives off all parties involved. Ultimately its the children who suffer the most due to the conflict which goes on for years and years over money. The courts need to wake up and take a better approach to resolving these issues. It ultimately only comes down to greedy lawyers and not the best interests of the children.

[Leila]

The lawyer said that I have a net value of 0 and that he had a negative net value which brings him to zero, but because of the fact that he is employed etc. that the debt would belong to him. Anyways since I declined to sign the agreement I have been harassed and threatened by telephone to the point that I had to phone the police. All I want is some time to think about it!!! I would never go for the full amount, I was even knowingly going to sell myself short and ask for maybe 200.00 a month until our daughter is school aged. I mean, we are the ones that have to MOVE OUT, start over in another town, set everything up... I am so bloody sick of this, I hate this! I've got a lot of people telling me to go the whole hog, and I just want to forget this whole mess and start over. Wish it were that easy.

[billm]

Originally Posted by Leila

The lawyer said that I have a net value of 0 and that he had a negative net value which brings him to zero, but because of the fact that he is employed etc. that the debt would belong to him. ....

How is it possible that you and he have a different net worth when you have been together 22 years? All of your debts and assets are equally yours and therefore you should each have the exact same net worth! It does not matter whose name is on the debt.

Also the statment 'he had a negative net value which brings him to zero' makes no sense.

Your lawyer is not stating a fair split of assets/debts which should be 50/50 (you both have less than zero it seems). This will lead your ex to fight you, causing both of you stress, feed the lawyers retirement plan, and leave you and your ex and your family more in debt.

Given what you have said you are entitled to spousal support. You could exchange this for a lump sum payment where you walk away and leave him with some of the marital debt.

Remember you are in control of your lawyer, not the other way around.

Maybe you should print off this thread and let your lawyer see what this experienced forum thinks....

[blindsided]

Originally Posted by billm

How is it possible that you and he have a different net worth when you have been together 22 years? All of your debts and assets are equally yours and therefore you should each have the exact same net worth! It does not matter whose name is on the debt.

Also the statment 'he had a negative net value which brings him to zero' makes no sense.

Your lawyer is not stating a fair split of assets/debts which should be 50/50 (you both have less than zero it seems). This will lead your ex to fight you, causing both of you stress, feed the lawyers retirement plan, and leave you and your ex and your family more in debt.

Given what you have said you are entitled to spousal support. You could exchange this for a lump sum payment where you walk away and leave him with some of the marital debt.

Remember you are in control of your lawyer, not the other way around.

Maybe you should print off this thread and let your lawyer see what this experienced forum thinks....

No its me Blindsided thats been with ex for 22 years. I first posted but got no advice on my question.

I have been with ex for 22 years I worked for very short time 2 years ended up on disability for 11 years now,

I was offered a buy out from ins I did take it got 50 thousand, so paid off our debt and used balance of about 32 thousand for down payment on our house.

We lived in it for 7months and I caught him (cell Bill) having an affair with his co-worker.

So he moved out after being in the house we bought after 7months.

We also have a line of credit(home equity) racked up 30 thousand so there is no equity in house .

He hasnt helped out with sons college expenses or hasnt put a dime on line of credit or mortgage since the day he left. but took out 6 thousand cash on line of credit.

So i got lawyer after a year of him not helping just started working fulltime cause was only getting 500. month on disability. so now im working fulltime making less than what he makes working parttime.

When he got the letter he said he had no money he makes 30 thousand year part time.

And that he will drag this out in court.That he wasnt going to give me nothing

Wanted to know what people here thought?

[billm]

oops, I mixed posters

But my comments are still probably valid for Leilas post.

[blindsided]

Well my lawer phoned me today, ex got a lawyer and contacted mine.

My lawyer phoned me and told me that he spoke with ex's lawyer and they agreed that the best thing for us to do is go to mediation, seeing there's no money to be fight with.
Im afraid to have to face him because he intimidates me. And he cant talk to me he only yells at me, I dont understand that people say its because he's in the wrong?

I think ex lives with the one he left me for does that not make his income combined with hers.(how long do you have to live with someone to be considered common law?)Ottawa

What should I expect at mediation? I dont think he's going to like the fact that Im entitled to his pensions.

Will he be allowed to say he gives me the house and i dont get ss or pensions, Theres no equity in the house he left 7 months after we bought it with my buy out from private ins. and we got line of credit (home equity) that ate up the equity

That should be intresting seeing he doest want to give me anything.

Lawyer let me know that mediator with give him the info and my lawyer would adive me on if its a good deal.

Any thoughts.

[Leila]

The intimidation factor is a real problem. I have been dealing with the same. I finally gave up on trying to reason with him. Now that I have stopped talking to him he is suddenly willing to 'sit down and listen to what I have to say.' Right.... I can see that lasting about 5 seconds.
I haven't tried mediation but surely others here have experience with it. Good luck and don't let anyone scare you. Everyone has an opinion, and one thing I've realized is that I still have to be strong and think for myself despite all of the voices in my ears, even the most well intentioned ones!