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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 04-01-2012, 09:19 AM
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I know it's not the case w/you, May May - nor was/is it with me - we are not jealous or in any way envious of ex's new partner. Often it is the "new(er)" partner who is threatened by us.

My ex (knowing full well that I despised him) painted me up (unsuccessfully, but it was still enough to make me gag) right from his first response to my application, as a bitter awful woman who 'wanted him back' (?!). He submitted (among other wild accusations) that my entire application for CS etc was based on my envy that he had moved on with his life. His lawyer of course, repeated this utter nonsense. He even lied about our date of separation, on all documents in order to try and give credence to his story. He claimed it was 6 or 7 months AFTER the fact. I of course maintained throughout, all of my points including the REAL date of separation.

It would later become apparent, when looney tunes wife started her bombardment of emails (they were living together but not yet married) that she fully believed that I wanted him back etc. She went on to call me all the same names etc that ex called me, and basically said "he's mine now and you need to move on w/your life!" I have all her emails. They are quite comical but sad too. She thinks she 'won' the big "prize" and has vowed to protect IT (hahaha) valiantly. In fact it is her, that feels threatened by me. Oddly enough although I am 10 years her senior, one would think it were reversed. Anyway, clearly she likes thinking that she won the GOLD by snatching up the "prize" that is, my EX. He enjoys her thinking this and back in '09 he wound her up most deliberately, and while she was 7 months pregnant no less, with a reported derogatory text I'd (allegedly) sent him about her. The text did not exist: but she spun off like a mad-woman (strange, I thought I was the "crazy bitch") based on the non-existent text. She went ballistic. Ex loved every minute of it. She said she was taking me to court (?!) and would hold me accountable should something go wrong with her 'unborn child.' There was much, much more.

Bottom line: She's an idiot/fool and he's a liar. What a perfect pair. Even faced w/the Judge's ruling, which clearly proves that he lied/lies about everything - she remains steadfast. I hope she's enjoying her "prize" lol. All I know, is that she's in BIG, BIG trouble with him.

Last edited by hadenough; 04-01-2012 at 09:29 AM.
  #22 (permalink)  
Old 04-01-2012, 07:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SingingDad View Post
It's my ex that is argumentative and dismissive. Oddly enough that all started when she found out I had been seeing someone (post separation)...
...
Remember this quote from Thomas Paine:
"To continue to argue with someone who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead"

Radio silence is probably the best approach. Alternatively you could try to be overly reasonable, but then you risk the threat of being called passive aggressive.
Thanks Singing Dad...I didn't bat an eye when I found out he was seeing someone. It's irrelevant. So long as he's happy, then there will be happiness in the house when he has the boys. Glad you are saying something to your gf though so that she doesn't make the situation worse.
I'll take being called passive aggressive...it has to be better than him calling me a bitch !

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
Another pertinent quote: "Living well is the best revenge."...
The ex isn't going to magically transform into a reasonable person just because you split up.
Hi Mess...welcome back ! Hope you are well...
I agree completely ! GREAT ADVICE... I was thrown because he was being more civil, and it has turned all pear shaped. I thought that if you are seeing someone you would be happy. If not then why bother ?

Quote:
Originally Posted by hadenough View Post
I know it's not the case w/you, May May - nor was/is it with me - we are not jealous or in any way envious of ex's new partner. Often it is the "new(er)" partner who is threatened by us.
...
I hope she's enjoying her "prize" lol.
Thanks HE...I'm happy he has someone. Not an ounce of jealousy. I actually tried to set him up secretly hoping he would become less confrontational if he was getting 'lucky' ! ha...If our exes (and even us) can come out of these divorces, and be lucky enough to find someone who believes we are 'prizes' is wonderful ! I can't wait to keep up with the details of your situation and the gf and see what happens. Good luck.
  #23 (permalink)  
Old 04-01-2012, 09:08 PM
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May May,

Sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. What an ass he is!

I would agree with all the advice you have received so far, radio silence is grand and when you do have to speak to the ASS, be as nice as possible and it will just piss him off more.

Stay Strong, and if you need to chat more, you know where to find me.

Ang
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Old 04-02-2012, 10:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AngieJ View Post
...
I would agree with all the advice you have received so far, radio silence is grand and when you do have to speak to the ASS, be as nice as possible and it will just piss him off more.

Stay Strong, and if you need to chat more, you know where to find me.

Ang
Thanks Ang ! I am being sickeningly (is that even a word ?) nice !
  #25 (permalink)  
Old 04-02-2012, 10:18 PM
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May_May - the "gf" is the WIFE now. Luccccccky Lady :P

She was even supposed to be a "witness" @ my Trial (?!?). Odd, considering we don't know one another and Trial was Re: "Support."

I realized afterwards that she was named as a witness (that likely made her feel VERY important) because EX did NOT want her in the courtroom. She was banished to the hallway @the courthouse for 2 days (big surprise: never got 'called upon') and only got to listen to a cpl of hours on the final day (closing arguments). I believe EX and his lawyer deliberately put her down as a witness so that she couldn't see him in action (lying his face off). Not that she minds, as long as she's living the high-life. So THEY knew she would be exiled to the hallway - but SHE had no idea.

Last edited by hadenough; 04-02-2012 at 10:35 PM.
  #26 (permalink)  
Old 04-02-2012, 10:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hadenough View Post
I believe EX and his lawyer deliberately put her down as a witness so that she couldn't see him in action (lying his face off). Not that she minds, as long as she's living the high-life. So THEY knew she would be exiled to the hallway - but SHE had no idea.
When/how long ago did they get married ? that is brilliant putting her down ! I'll remember that...
  #27 (permalink)  
Old 04-02-2012, 11:20 PM
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May_May: Jan 2010, if I recall correctly.. Yes, re: naming as witness - quite the slick move. Make her feel like a V.I.P. and keep her in the dark. I'm sure she was hoping to huff n puff n blow my house down
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Old 06-24-2012, 12:32 PM
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I have been separated now for 10 months - and it was an amicable split - as we had so worked hard on for the sake of the kids. Making verbal agreements and promising each other that we would always put the kids first. We still shared an intimate bond since we had been high school sweethearts and all and being friends with benefits was helping us cope knowing in the long run that it would have to stop. I've just learned this week that he has a girlfriend (while seeing me as well on the side). I know how separation was not conventional but it was working for the time being....Now that he has a girlfriend - he only came clean because he got caught up in his lies and has made a complete 360 as wel.
He was so gentle and classy and has become so mean and a control freak.
I cant believe the change and how i could have had kids with such a man. He lies to his kids as well and dumps them at his mother's even when its his week of custody - and she does all the laundry and cooking and cleaning (since he has moved in with his mom and forego getting a house for the time being since his girlfriend has one). Problem I have with this, is that is mother is raising my kids on the week that he has them - because he goes out and parties so much on the weeks he has off - that he recuperates on the weeks with the kids and totally ignores them. And still goes out with her on the week he has the kids and has his mother stay with the kids. Is it me or is this unfair? I wanted to bring kids to breakfast this morning - although its his week - and he threatened to call the police on me. When he did let them come with me - he was accusing me of kidnapping?? Seems like he's having his cake and eating it too? Any suggestions on how to cope? could i get full custody or is this a lost cause? He is definitely a changed man...
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Old 06-24-2012, 12:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saints View Post
I have been separated now for 10 months - and it was an amicable split - as we had so worked hard on for the sake of the kids. Making verbal agreements and promising each other that we would always put the kids first. We still shared an intimate bond since we had been high school sweethearts and all and being friends with benefits was helping us cope knowing in the long run that it would have to stop. I've just learned this week that he has a girlfriend (while seeing me as well on the side). I know how separation was not conventional but it was working for the time being....Now that he has a girlfriend - he only came clean because he got caught up in his lies and has made a complete 360 as wel.
He was so gentle and classy and has become so mean and a control freak.
I cant believe the change and how i could have had kids with such a man. He lies to his kids as well and dumps them at his mother's even when its his week of custody - and she does all the laundry and cooking and cleaning (since he has moved in with his mom and forego getting a house for the time being since his girlfriend has one). Problem I have with this, is that is mother is raising my kids on the week that he has them - because he goes out and parties so much on the weeks he has off - that he recuperates on the weeks with the kids and totally ignores them. And still goes out with her on the week he has the kids and has his mother stay with the kids. Is it me or is this unfair? I wanted to bring kids to breakfast this morning - although its his week - and he threatened to call the police on me. When he did let them come with me - he was accusing me of kidnapping?? Seems like he's having his cake and eating it too? Any suggestions on how to cope? could i get full custody or is this a lost cause? He is definitely a changed man...
It doesnt matter if his mother does all the cooking etc.
You cannot dictate what he does when he has the children, just like he cannot control what you do when you have them. When its his week you should give him the space to parent.

Think you are a tad upset that the booty calls have ended. Its called moving on. Dont you think you deserve better then that? You cannot move on when you are still intimate with your ex.

He has not done anything that would even reach the scope of you getting full custody, so that would be a waste of time and money. He is caught up in moving on and the new gf (not that its a good thing) but in time that will settle down a bit. As long as he is not putting the children in harms way, it can do as he pleases on his time. Yes he isnt putting the children first but there is nothing you can legally do about it.
  #30 (permalink)  
Old 06-24-2012, 01:01 PM
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SOS is right.. I know it all feels so wrong to you and you feel misled. Staying intimate w/a former partner rarely, if ever works. At least not long-term. How old are the kids?

Tugofwar (she's not on here often) but you can read her posts. Her ex farms the child off as well. You will note some similarities. My advice to you is, assuming you're not financially royally f*cked like ie: ME, is get out with some gf's, get yourself all dolled up and start trying to enjoy your single life. Your separation is fairly new. Will take time to adjust and although I wouldn't go near my ex (son's father) with a barge pole - it sounds like you were taking comfort with the familiarity of the devil you know. I've done something similar with an ex bf (one I had after separation). It doesn't work. For various reasons.

Unless or until the kids are in harm's way by his decisions - there is nothing you can do to force him to be an involved parent. If you like his parents, or at least believe them to be decent and responsible people, take comfort in that.

Get out and enjoy the summer with your friends. When the time comes and you are ready, hopefully you will meet a nice man and see where it goes. Lots of frogs out there, very few princes but you never know. Good Luck.
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