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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 03-29-2012, 08:35 PM
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@Clean: may may said they "are apparently getting more serious." I took that to mean that perhaps they are moving in together or otherwise officially attached at the hip.

At some point (doesn't work for everyone) I think people should have some introduction to ex's significant other/new squeeze, if the kids are there a good portion of the time.

It really depends on a lot of things. Tracy123 reports a similar change w/her ex as well. Funny, as I would be inclined to think it would make the person more pleasant. It looks like I mighta been wrong about that :/
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Old 03-29-2012, 09:03 PM
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THANKS EVERYONE...I am back to full Radio Silence. I assumed him seeing someone would make him happier ... bad assumption. It might because I haven't 'flinched' or commented about her that he is upset. As we have children together, we need to have some sort of workable 'relationship. Right now I'm just being nicer, and ignoring the sarcasm / anger being directed at me.

We are going to be in court...just a matter of time and finances. I am seriously thinking I need to do self-representation so I can get this done and get the $ for my house from him. Do I need to keep any logs or anything so that the gf will be kept out of the courtroom. Any discussions should be between the two of us.

Hadenough...Yes-agreed. The counsellor/coach for our eldest told both of us in the same session (about a month ago) that if we are seeing someone, we need to make the other one aware before they are introduced to the children. He nodded his head and said absolutely...and then I ducked as the lightning went through the window and pierced his left foot.
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Old 03-30-2012, 10:29 AM
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Quote:
His new hearthrob may be the cause of the animosity - happens all the time.

It's too bad some people don't have the guts to say "She WAS my wife but we're divorced now. We will always, however, be linked by our past together. Get over it."
Well said.

I really do not understand new gf/bf's that get involved in their new partner's divorce. There's no possible way it could have a positive outcome and frankly, the dissolution of the marriage is none of their business. If a person is grown up enough to get married, then they should be grown up enough to handle their own divorce.

Supporting your partner, being there for them, listening to them vent, supporting their children...all good things.

Interfering in the legalities of their divorce...disaster in the making.

Divorce is temporary...the aftermath is forever. I think there's a higher chance of success of people having manageable relationships afterwards if they are an adult and handle the dissolution of their marriage with the same person they entered it with.
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:03 PM
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PH-You and Gary are spot on.
The responses I am getting via email are not his 'words' anymore. I'm sure he's giving the computer over to the gf to respond.
As if there isn't enough difficulties with the situation than having to now deal with someone else having a say ! It's getting more difficult. You would also expect that if the 'gf' or 'bf' is also divorced and has children, that they would understand and support their partner...but stay out of it.
It's adding to the stress...hitting the gym after my sons hockey tonight, and hot yoga in the am to burn off some of it...
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Old 03-30-2012, 01:26 PM
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I'm sorry May May...you have my condolences.

My new partner divorced recently after a very longterm marriage and while I trust him, believe in him and listen to him when he needs to talk about it...I also know that there's only two people who know what happens/happened inside a marriage. And that's the two people that were actually in it. He also has lovely children and I respect the job she did/does as a mother.

I would never do anything to antagonize her...to me, it must be hard enough to lose such a great guy without me rubbing it in while she's in mourning for the demise of her marriage.

And while I often need support from him, my divorce is my responsibility. I would never ask him to help me with it or to come to the court house to antagonize my stbx spouse.

In my opinion, anyone who interferes in this way is going to ensure more conflict and more trauma to the children. Its karma.

I'm sorry you're dealing with more grief in an already difficult situation. Shame on your stbx for not being a grown up and handling it himself.
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Old 03-31-2012, 11:20 AM
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I sympathize too. My ex's wife has put her oar in many times. I initially told her to stay out of it, that it was none of her business - naturally, it fell on deaf ears. 12 emails, several text msgs, and 2 insane voicemails later (from her to me in all instances) and I had to call the police and they called her and advised her to cease her communications w/me.

I have not heard from her in some time now, but I fully expect to in the next couple of months. She has little/no self control as demonstrated in the past and there's a few things heading down the old legal pipeline that I'm sure will rouse her from her silence. I know exactly what to do. I will not respond at all, and depending on the severity of her vm/email or text - I will decide if it warrants filing a report. Should she send multiple msgs (she's been threatening in the past) then I will see if I can obtain a R.O. from the Court and see if the police will charge her w/harassment.

I hope your situation improves soon Great that you are exercising and doing Yoga.
PH: so true that Divorce is Temporary but the aftermath is forever.

As for moving on to new relationships: I'm a long long ways off for that. There's still so much closure required, and that takes time.
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Old 03-31-2012, 09:28 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
... it must be hard enough to lose such a great guy without me rubbing it in while she's in mourning for the demise of her marriage.
Thanks PH-You are too funny...it is a matter of perception about the 'greatness' of our exes...It's crazy when things go downhill, and we stop trying how much our impression can change ! Don't settle for anything less than 'great' !

Quote:
Originally Posted by hadenough View Post
...I had to call the police and they called her and advised her to cease her communications w/me.
...
As for moving on to new relationships: I'm a long long ways off for that. There's still so much closure required, and that takes time.
Thanks HE-OMG_I feel so sorry for you...I can't believe she is that involved with you ! I hope mine doesn't get to that point...Gosh I really hope not...
WRT moving on...I had emotional closure many many years ago. I just need to now do the legal/$ components and call it a day. My appt. is in 1.5 weeks with my lawyer and she will have my guidance to be assertive, and go to court, and get this over with ASAP. I'm not waiting anymore for him to decide to be a nice guy...it's not happening. I don't have the time to self-represent due to work...so I'll go in the hole right now to get this done with. Ah...I can smell the success of closure now ! Please rubber stamp these papers...
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Old 03-31-2012, 09:58 PM
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Oh I'm all "for" the almighty rubber stamp! I shouldn't have scared you with stories about ex's loony wife lol. She's like a Parrot!! - has never met me but parrots all of the ex's BS. One day she will be enlightened, I'm sure of it. I doubt many new "significant others" would be AS involved w/stirring up crap as my ex's darling wife. Have a great night.
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Old 04-01-2012, 03:16 AM
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I'm in a similar situation. I have a GF right now who went through a fairly nasty divorce years ago. I keep getting advice and comments like: "You have to be tough with her" and "you can't let her pull that s***!" or "When are you going back to court again?"

Now I don't treat my ex any different. Even when I'm spitting mad, my communications with her are neutral in tone and content, and focus on the kids. It's my ex that is argumentative and dismissive. Oddly enough that all started when she found out I had been seeing someone (post separation).

I have talked with my GF several times about this and explained why I'm doing what I'm doing and approaching things the way I am. I realize that her comments are from the "old scars" she still carries from her own divorce and try not to let it influence me.


Remember this quote from Thomas Paine:
"To continue to argue with someone who has renounced the use of reason is like administering medicine to the dead"

Radio silence is probably the best approach. Alternatively you could try to be overly reasonable, but then you risk the threat of being called passive aggressive.
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Old 04-01-2012, 09:13 AM
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Another pertinent quote: "Living well is the best revenge."

This cuts both ways. Our ex's would love us to spend the rest of our lives alone and unhappy; this would validate their beliefs about themselves and why the marriage failed. If we end up happy, in a successful relationship, they can end up feeling threatened, their belief system has failed, the things they conviced themselves of no longer hold up.

So our ex's would like us to, at least, live a little less well than they do. Be a little less happy. Have a little less money. Be a little less good looking. Have a little less sex. A little less whatever. This makes them feel that the good, successful things about the relationship were coming from them. The bad things were coming from us.

And of course it depends on the ex, some people actually are mature and reasonable and just move on. But for the most part our relationships fail for a reason, and that is going to be because one or both of us were unreasonable. The ex isn't going to magically transform into a reasonable person just because you split up.
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