At the end of my rope?

[saraliz]

Sorry all, this is the first time I've posted on here, I'm basically at a loss & just can't take any more.

I've been with my SO for about a year & a half. Through all of this I've supported him unconditionally, helped him go to court & get additional access & all sorts of other things including paying off his ex's equalization.

I've been separated myself for amost two years and just a few weeks ago got my equalization and, wanting it off of our plates, decided to pay her off in full. It wasn't a huge amount, just $3000 in total. It's just too hard to try & save up the $1k payment every year due just before Christmas.

In addition to this, the two of them have been arguing over childcare costs. They had none before she moved out of their house & into another city, necessitating her taking them out of free childcare (their parents sat for them) and into one of THE most expensive services I've ever seen.

We live in small towns & she is paying over $500/mo ($25/day) for two kids to have 3 hrs care per work day. That seems quite exorbitant to me. Add to that, because she now lives in another town & comes back to ours to work in a minimum wage job, she has fairly high travel costs.

The reason for my gripe? We've been trying to pay her our share of the childcare costs. Using the worksheets from the Ministy of Justice, works out to about $130/mo after her tax credits & split their proportional incomes.

Starting in May, we wrote her cheques for the rest of this year & the retro amounts dating back to last September.

When they were in court for access issues in January, the judge after ripping a strip off of one side of her and down the other for systematic exclusion of the kids' father from their lives, was specifically told to hand him over the receipts immediately & to not withhold them any longer & expect payment of his share.

She then withheld them for an additional 3 months, finally turning them over to us at the end of April. We immediately did a rough calculation & handed her the cheques as I mentioned above. Our rough calculation was $122/mo. A whopping difference of $7 - less than the cost of a meal at McDonald's.

Over the next two months she argued back & forth, refusing to cash the checks & demanding that we simply pay half the cost. Ah, no. We have significant costs in our daily lives & refused to pay more than what we're required to do. I cancelled the series of cheques.

After that, we emailed every single week to ask her what she had decided & that we would re issue her cheques for the current amounts & for the retro, but we expected them cashed within a reasonable amount of time.

The last we heard from her was June. None of our emails were answered until three weeks ago when we got a demand letter from her new lawyer saying if we didn't pay the entire amount within 10 days he'd bring an application to the court.

We both know this is ridiculous & said so in our reply. No proof was given as to the amounts, no calculation sheets, no proof of income, etc, etc. Basically he was set up in the sense that if he didn't fork over $4500 in certified funds within 10 days, he'd be ordered to court. Oh yeah, we totally keep that kind of money in our back pocket!

Fast forward to now, we haven't heard a word back from her lawyer as she was on holidays & stuff.

Visit with the kids was good last night until we learned that mommy is no longer working at all. But would be going back to school next year. Except for one thing - the kids are still in childcare.

So basically, now that she has no income at all, we'll be on the hook for ALL childcare costs going forward if she's going to be in school. The program that it sounds like she'll be in is at a private college - 9 month program, usually runs from 9-3 or so every day. I did that years ago just out of high school.

I guess I'm just so damned frustrated & wondering if it's all worth it for me to keep this relationship with such a vindictive spouse. She will drain him for every cent she can, therefore taking from my resources as well.

I struggled to keep my home when my ex & I split up. I refuse to put myself & my children in financial harm because of her desire for retaliation. It's just never going to end

I just feel so hopeless.

[HammerDad]

Look up "imputed income".

Neither parent can have an income of Zero. Each parent has an obligation to provide for their kids. If the ex was working making X amount of $$ there is an expectation that they maintain at least that level of income, baring some unforeseen circumstances.

Should the ex request you pay 100% of the costs associated with daycare, you request the court impute her income to her previous level, or failing that, to full time minimum wage (about $18k-$20k per year). But know, a court will not impute her income unless you ask them to do so. A judge can only rule on the requests in front of them.

[NBDad]

Impute an income, and if she's not working right now, there is no need of the kids being in childcare. Where is she going to school? What program? is there a distance education option? Does it have on site childcare? Is she going to school via a skills loans and grants program or paying out of pocket?

Regardless the EI sponsored program has provisions for childcare costs, so she SHOULD be getting those if she's going thru the government. IF she's paying out of pocket, there are areas in the National Student Loan forms re: childcare that she should be utilizing as well.

Request proof of her employment given what you were told, if she is unable to produce, then halt payments.

Also, why not just pay the day care provider directly for your portion?

They had none before she moved out of their house & into another city, necessitating her taking them out of free childcare (their parents sat for them) and into one of THE most expensive services I've ever seen.

And he of course objected to the move to another city, and immediately filed with the court for a custody change and to have the children returned back to their city of residence correct?

We live in small towns & she is paying over $500/mo ($25/day) for two kids to have 3 hrs care per work day. That seems quite exorbitant to me.

That's not a lot. 25 day for 2 kids is cheap. Going rate for most daycares is ~ 100-125/week PER CHILD. And if it's registered you pay for the spot regardless of whether it's used or not.

Add to that, because she now lives in another town & comes back to ours to work in a minimum wage job, she has fairly high travel costs.

So what? Travel is not your issue. She made the decision to move, travel costs are HER issue alone. Although you should have objected to the move and gotten the kids returned to the city of residence.

[MommaMouse]

It sounds like your in for a bit of a battle with you SO ex. You are the only one who can decide if your willing to support him for the long haul or not. If she can't support her own children, why doesn't he take her to court and take care of his kids?
$25 a day for 2 kids is cheap. We pay $45 each. Although while I'm in school I get my child care subsidized by the government and pay a whole $18 for both.

[Berner_Faith]

I know the feeling, for the past year and a half, I have been supporting my SO... and while I was in college, my parents were supporting us both (he had a rough time with his job, where they made promises and never came through) now out of school and working full time, I continue to support him, his pay currently covers his child support and the vehicle insurance...everything else is my responsibility. Is it always easy... not a chance... I get stressed daily about where we are getting money for certain things, I am now at the point where I want to buy a house, but we are finding it hard to do, because of the monthly CS, his slow but steady job, and the student loans I have to pay off...

In the end the decision is yours... I have stuck by him for a year and a half now, and can honestly say, each day things improve... we are getting our lives together and are moving on... but there were times in the past year where I questioned myself about our relationship...

[inseperationhell]

$25 per day sounds very reasonable and cheap. I have 3 kids and am paying $14 per day per child for 2 hours of before school care in their school. That is $42/day for 2 hours of care. In a small town as well. Cheapest I could find. Now I am battling to have my ex pay his 1/3 of the cost.

[saraliz]

Thanks for the support all I really appreciate it.

I just keep on plugging away. I do know about imuting income, I guess I just needed to vent. It's just so frustrating to deal with someone that doesn't have any respect whatsoever. Woman can't even look me in the eye even though I've never treated her with anything other than respect.

*sigh* can't very well give up so I just stand beside him. It's extremely draining is all.

Thanks again, this is an amazing group of people!

[arabian]

I am sickened when people interfere in divorces. The two parties who divorce are the main players and everyone else should stay out of it - no exceptions. I have no sympathy for you. Sorry.