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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 02-28-2016, 10:08 PM
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Default Emotional Roller coaster-Not sure which way to go

Hello all. I have viewed a few posting here. I am in Orleans..originally from T.O but here for work as I was transferred a few years ago.

My issue is I have been with my spouse since Oct 2006 (we dated and were engaged until July 2009 when we married). Since 2007, when his sex drive all but died up and we literally started living in separate rooms (his snoring did not help) we have existed as roommates. He is a very good man and very good hearted but very irresponsible financially (48 years old and he quit his mechanics job to focus on an online business which is tanking due to competitors; to be fair he just does not have a business mindset but is very smart in hands on trades). For example, he had a debt of $10,000 on a line of credit when we were dating and he was to be paying it off. I recently found out it has gone up to now over $30,000. I believe married couples should discuss major purchases but one day he brought home a $10,000 motorcycle which he paid for on line of credit and I had no idea he was even buying it! Today i told him it is things like that that irritate me as in a marriage, no party or their actions exist in isolation. It took him a while to finally understand this. Also he currently has no job but is looking and as a mechanic, will likely be employed again soon.

The other issue is communication. To be fair, I was very lonely in our non intimate relationship and had an affair in 2012 with a coworker that ended a few months later when i admitted to it. I then had a male friend who my spouse was convinced became interested in me and my spouse was upset at how much we spoke. I suppose it was an emotional affair as we discussed our marriages and their problems due to lack of communicating from both of our spouses however I ended this friendship also after a few months as they friend (no sex ever occurred) started asking me to lunch, etc and is a senior manager 5 levels up at my work.

Needless to say and undertsandably, my spouse says he feels both resentment and anger towards me. I understand that and accept responsibility for my actions and have been addressing my issues (and marriage issues )in individual therapy. My spouse has seen my therapist for a few couples sessions and afterwards she told me our values and lifestyles are just so different, plus he does not communicate regarding this resentment and anger so it is irreconcilable in her eyes. We have also seen Ottawas best sex therapist who thought we had a tough road (if any) to climb back to normalacy.

Anyways I told my spouse yesterday i cannot keep being in a marriage like this with no communication and the spending and financial issues he has. I have a very good job and am very financially stable with no debt and I retire in 15 years and my spouse has not one penny saved for that retirement. Also, i am very into health and fitness and eat well whereas he is not into fitness at all and will eat cake batter for sinner, thus he has gained 20 pounds since we met but says he wants to lose it. He has a MOvati gym membership he pays $60 a month for but has never used it. Also his licence plate sticker is 2 months pverdue and he put our property taxes (his share) on the line of credit this past week.

My suggestion to him as this morning he told me he wants me to not leave is that he get individual counselling (paid through my work) to work on the anger and resentment and discuss it in a safe environment. He agreed. He also wants to try to lose the weight so he signed up for a personal trainor program at Movati. My work also offers 14 sessions with a certified financial planner so i am going to set that up for him this week to do a budget, etc.

My point is he actions these things only when I tell him we should separate and he does them for a short time and returns to his old habits. He is a nice guy, friendly, great with our dogs (no kids) and smart with mechanics and electronics. But it is just we have very different values, goals and lifestyle and he does not communicate. For example he will snap at me when i plead with him to renew his car sticker and he says he knows he should but the snapping is his wall that is up (the anger and resentment) from the affair I had (understandable).

Anyways my suggestion is that I move out temporairily at least until we have some space and work on the individual issues with our therapists as maybe we will appreciate each other more? We have no sex life and as I said, exist in two separate bedrooms in the home. It is a lonely marriage but also, when i think of life without him, it makes me sad and afraid. I am not sure if this is because I have feelings of love for him still or it is just normal human nature. Believe me, thoughts of leaving have been in my mind a long time. Any opinions are welcomed and / or people in similar or who have been in, situations! Thanks!:
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Old 02-28-2016, 10:51 PM
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I think you want it to end. Everything you have presented here points to that.
-Therapist thinks it is irreconcilable
-Sex Therapist thinks it is hopeless
-You cheated and he resents it
-You had an emotional affair again
-He is financial loser
-He has anger management issues
-You have no sex
-You have no kids

Quote:
It is a lonely marriage but also, when i think of life without him, it makes me sad and afraid. I am not sure if this is because I have feelings of love for him still or it is just normal human nature. Believe me, thoughts of leaving have been in my mind a long time. Any opinions are welcomed and / or people in similar or who have been in, situations! Thanks!
Life without HIM or life without a spouse?
Honestly, if you are good looking, have money, no kids and are <35 (maybe even over) you can go online dating and you'll have like 6000 guys wanting to at least keep you company. Besides by your extra-marital relationships it seems you are able to get company anyways.

To me there are too many deal breakers here..
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Old 02-29-2016, 12:25 AM
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You need to see a lawyer and work out your financials. You have job, pension and savings. He has debt, no job and no savings, Mrriage is a 50/50 split unless you had a prenup.
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Old 02-29-2016, 12:56 AM
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It sounds to me like if you move out for a "trial separation", you're not going to move back in again. It sounds like there are a lot of issues (finances, infidelity, unemployment, sex, etc), which would require a really powerful commitment to the relationship to overcome, and it doesn't sound like the commitment is there. This is not to judge you or your partner, this is just how your post sounds. He's a nice friendly guy with good qualities, but that's not enough to salvage a marriage with these challenges.

It sounds like your mind is already made up (you're listing a lot of reasons to leave but not a lot of reasons to stay, other than fear of being alone), and you're gradually working your way around to the position where the fear of being alone diminishes. If you're going to leave, the kindest thing to do is to be decisive and clear that this is over once and for all, so you can both move ahead, and stay on good terms (or semi-good terms), rather than drawing it out.

There's a good book by Peter Kramer - Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay - which might address your situation.
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Old 02-29-2016, 09:04 AM
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did he get checked out by a doctor to see if he has sleep apnea and also if there are medical reasons for his low sex drive?

I have a feeling you have already emotionally left the marriage and are just looking for people to tell you to leave to maybe ease your conscious.
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Old 02-29-2016, 12:31 PM
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If the sex dried up in 2007 I don't understand why you married him in 2009. I guess it was all part of the "I promise to change every time you threaten to break up" thing he's got down pat.

Well, I think you've had a few years to realize that his promises are empty. See a lawyer and find out what to do next.

Be aware that money, which is all you have to worry about since you have no children, is going to be divided equally. It may not feel fair, but it will be equal.

You will owe him half your retirement savings that you accumulated during the marriage. You will take half the debt he accumulated during the marriage. You divide up half the assets you accumulated during the marriage (most often this is half the increase in value of a house).

He may argue that you owe him spousal support since he's unemployed. You will rebut that he is perfectly capable of finding a job in his field.

Etc. Do your research.

But I think you realize that staying married to him will only get worse, not better, unfortunately.
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Old 02-29-2016, 08:10 PM
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Thanks for all the comments everyone. I should add we do have a prenup that is quite extensive and it covers me completely for pension, inheritance, etc. I offered my spouse a lawyer to review it for him prior to him signing it (this was a few years ago my lawyer did it up) but he chose not to and just signed. So whatever is his, he goes out with (assets, debt etc) and vice versa with the exception of any equity in the home which we split down the middle. But my assets are mine and vice versa.
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Old 02-29-2016, 08:17 PM
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I was hoping that the 2007 dry spell was just that...a temporary setback and dry spell but it seems to have gone downhill from there. I feel very bad as he is a genuinely good man; for example, before I go to work, he does go out each morning to warm my car up if it is very cold and scrape the ice off. That is a very caring gesture. But it is the other stuff (and I own part of it too (ie the affair)) and the lack of sex (that was prior to the affair but there was also communication issues too, etc.) No one "plans " to have an affair but when your marriage is missing something and you start connecting to someone else, that is what happens. I am not a horrid person and I know it was wrong as it goes against marriage. I am not justifying this and he has a right to feel the anger and resentment he does. I just feel if he has felt those things for many years why he did not continue in his therapy in working on those feelings and dealing with them instead of letting them fester and suddenly NOW telling me (after all these years) he has them and needs to work on them? The point about him getting motivated when I say "this marriage cannot continue as it is not a good place to be" I feel is correct as it is only then he wants to suddenly eat better, lose the weight, be more ambitious, finally deal with the anger, etc. I feel if I move out then if he really wants the marriage to work then he will be forced to do it and if not, that is my answer. And who knows, maybe I will feel relief. It is just all so confusing. I read the Mira Kirshenbaum book (Too Good to leave, Too Bad to stay". I am still reading and it is excellent. I am still in the middle though as some of the things make it good and some make it bad. If anyone has other book recommendations that would be great! Thanks!
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Old 02-29-2016, 08:30 PM
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I doubt that the mere threat of ending a marriage will propel your partner to take an interest in sex again. It may come down to simply that he does not find you desirable or interesting any more. He also may be quite content with his life as it is. Trying to change someone is futile. If you aren't happy with the way things are then you should simply go your way and leave him alone. Perhaps he wants you to leave?

BTW - should your ex ever challenge the separation agreement he would have little difficulty doing so as he did not have ILA (Independent Legal Advice). Its likely not worth the paper it is written on.

I don't envy your situation. However, it sounds as though you will have no problem landing on your feet. IMO Sometimes leaving is the kindest thing one can do to the other person, particularly if the marriage is dead.
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Old 02-29-2016, 08:51 PM
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Another thing to consider is that not everyone can simply "get over" adultery. While you may have justified it in your mind your husband may not able to come to terms with it. That is just who he may be. You can't change that. You made your decision and now you have to deal with the consequences of your actions. You can't control his emotions.
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