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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 07-03-2012, 04:33 PM
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2 years ago, POF worked for me too...met the man of my dreams 1 week after registering...we've been together for 2 years now and its amazing. He's the love of my life and I honestly cannot believe how lucky I am.

I guess I can't relate to mourning my marriage....getting divorced is the best thing I've ever done...for myself AND for my kids. I still have the horrible experience of having to deal with him in divorcing and with co-parenting our children. But I have very limited exposure to him...can give my children another perspective on how to live life when they're away from him...and nothing he does bothers me much cause he has very little power to bother me.

Living in a home with a man who's angry, pessismistic, verbally abusive, and depressive for over 20 years was a horrible experience. I wake up happy every single day and am so thankful that I'm getting a 2nd chance to enjoy my life in peace and freedom.
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Old 07-03-2012, 07:08 PM
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Hi all,

So I took the advice, put the doubts behind me...I think it was that I missed the routine and missed the being with my kids each and every day (I doubt I will ever get over that). But PH's post today is what I have discovered...I and my kids are MUCH better now that I am not living day in and day out with a lazy, angry, pessimistic, verbally and emotional abusive, addict of a spouse.

And I signed up for POF....after a month of blowing off guys looking for only 1 thing, I found someone who wants to get to know each other, is kind, understands the "single parent" zone I am in and understands that my hands are tied when they are with me. We are going slow....giving it a try. Who knows...maybe in a year from now I will be like PH and the others and can say I met the man of my dreams on there.

There are nights that are hard....like last night having my 11 year on the phone with me crying at 11 pm because she just wanted to be back at home with Mom (yesterday was switch day). I had to tell her I could not pick her up because it was Dad's week (even though he just saw them for an hour then dropped them off with relatives for 5 days).

So hard....but doing what I have to do. And moving on with life.....
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Old 07-03-2012, 07:25 PM
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Quote:
There are nights that are hard....like last night having my 11 year on the phone with me crying at 11 pm because she just wanted to be back at home with Mom (yesterday was switch day). I had to tell her I could not pick her up because it was Dad's week (even though he just saw them for an hour then dropped them off with relatives for 5 days).
I know its tough...but do what you can to support their dad's relationship with them as best as you can. Stay positive...don't expect the kid's to bear the burden of your sadness. Give them constant positive feedback..suggestions about things they can do while they're with him or his family. Always make sure to send them off with a smile and greet them the same way. Ask them if they had fun and if they get negative...turn it around to the positive.

As a woman that didn't have any father at all. I can tell you that even a distracted, difficult father is better than none at all.

Eventually the kids will be at an age that they can decide whether they want to continue their relationship with him...but its imperative that they make that choice without your influence.

For yourself...I know you miss the kids...but seriously, if the kids were your life...then you need to find a better life. That's not what kids are for. Invest in yourself. Go the gym, meet new people, start a new hobby, spend time pampering yourself...definitely start dating...its kinda wierd but lots of fun! Just be super picky...there's a lot of duds out there...lol.
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Old 07-03-2012, 07:54 PM
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You are wise PH.....but your advice is exactly what I am following....

Last night on the phone, I was nothing but positive, talking about the fun she would have while with her relatives. Positive feedback is the name of the game.

Yes, she will be able to choose soon, and I am encouraging the relationship with her father as much as I can. I hide my sadness/missing them from the kids completely.

And trying to find a better life is what I am doing - getting out there, meeting people etc.... The kids were my life because I was not allowed to have any other life before I left my ex....classic abusive situation, lost my friends etc.... climbing out slowly but surely
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Old 07-03-2012, 09:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inseperationhell View Post
Hi all,

So I took the advice, put the doubts behind me...I think it was that I missed the routine and missed the being with my kids each and every day (I doubt I will ever get over that). But PH's post today is what I have discovered...I and my kids are MUCH better now that I am not living day in and day out with a lazy, angry, pessimistic, verbally and emotional abusive, addict of a spouse.

And I signed up for POF....after a month of blowing off guys looking for only 1 thing, I found someone who wants to get to know each other, is kind, understands the "single parent" zone I am in and understands that my hands are tied when they are with me. We are going slow....giving it a try. Who knows...maybe in a year from now I will be like PH and the others and can say I met the man of my dreams on there.

There are nights that are hard....like last night having my 11 year on the phone with me crying at 11 pm because she just wanted to be back at home with Mom (yesterday was switch day). I had to tell her I could not pick her up because it was Dad's week (even though he just saw them for an hour then dropped them off with relatives for 5 days).

So hard....but doing what I have to do. And moving on with life.....
You know what? It IS hard. But you really do need to consider if your choice to stay is simply because it is a familiar place. Better the devil you know and all that. But a bad habit is a bad habit, even if its in the form of a relationship. You don't. Have to be in the POF pond for the long term but it can be great practice for getting out there and meeting people. Just as important as knowing what you want in a partner is knowing what you DON'T want. Awho know, you may meet your soul mate or you may get through the rebound relationships before meeting the right person. Have fun, be safe and do what's right for you.

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Old 07-03-2012, 10:54 PM
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POF can be quite the nightmare. Glad it worked out so well for you, PH! My God, I've experienced some horrendous behavior/ppl from that site. Meeting a decent man on there is like finding a needle in a haystack. It is very important to get out though. Definitely true: look after YOU, exercise, invest in yourself and your well-being. I was out this past weekend for the 1st time in awhile and had a great time. Hey and I even met someone too. But I am not holding my breath that he will be relationship material. I'm having a hard time believing in much, as of late. I have been fooled so many times that I second-guess myself now.. But I will say it again - I would never, ever go back to being in the stifling, verbally abusive relationship I was once in. If/when the time comes that I do meet the "right" person, (for me) I know whole-heartedly that it will be a healthy and caring relationship. I won't settle for anything less. No one should.
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Old 07-04-2012, 12:01 AM
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Hi Hadenough:

No doubt I probably got lucky with POF. What I did is actually keep a hidden profile so that I only contacted people...not the other way around.

But anyway its at least a good way to at least get an inventory of what's available out there. And a chance to weed out men/women with zero communication skills.


Insep:

I'm really glad you're working your way through. I think the hardest thing with divorce for me has been the same issue you're having...dealing with the outcome with the kids. I feel everyday though that I'm moving in the right direction exposing my children to a different way of life rather than the stifling one they had while I was married. It gives them perspective..which is always a good thing. My best wishes to you getting through the transition and entering into your new life.
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Old 07-04-2012, 12:13 AM
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PH: my profile is hidden as well. I have never posted a pic so it is I who has messaged people and wowzers, have I picked some winners. Ugggh. Definitely: you lucked out big time
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Old 07-04-2012, 12:34 PM
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I pined over my ex for a long time.

Recently, at court, we actually had opportunity to sit together and talk.
The first time in a long time.

Everyone has a smell. An odour. Call it pheremones or whatever. But I was struck by her familiar smell as we talked. Some time ago - it probably would have made me feel heart-sick. This time, it repulsed me.

I guess I'm finally done with her.

It can take a long time, but you will get there.
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Old 07-04-2012, 12:41 PM
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That's so interesting WO. It has been proven that scent is the strongest link to memories. A particular scent can draw very vivid emotional reactions to memory, good or bad. I really love this article that explains the how and why:

HowStuffWorks "Smell and Memory"

I recently had the same experience with my ex and can totally relate to what you're saying!
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