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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 03-17-2012, 08:57 PM
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Default Doubts post seperation....normal?

It has been almost a year since I made the decision to end the marriage. 11 1/2 months of time, seperation agreement in place, 50/50 custoday, I bought him out of the house.

And I am depressed as all hell, wondering if I made the right decision....is this a normal feeling?

Before seperation, I was living in a nightmare, daily panic attacks, fear of coming home, feared saying anything, unhappy and wanting it all to end. I was told a classic emotional and financially abusive situation and I had to get out for my own good.

Fast forward almost a year. I am without my kids 50% of the time (they are my life), watching the kids spiral downwards in their behavior, schooling (8 year olds allowed to watch rated R movies at Dad's, homework only ever done at my house and I could go on to write a novel....the kids are in dire straits - one more tearful phone call to me while at the ex's house, I am going to lose it). I am in financial dire straits trying pay the bills while having now to pay an offset child support cause he wont work full time. Lost contact with most of our "mutual friends". No family within 500 km for support. Continually being bad mouthed by the ex in front of the world and the kids because he is bitter....

Lonely, scared for my kids, can't see a light at the end of the tunnel. Wondering if I did the right thing....
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Old 03-17-2012, 09:04 PM
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i think for the most part, having doubts is normal. You start to sort of see only the good points and dont focus so much on the bad parts of your marriage.

You are entering another chapter in your life and its scary. Yes your ex was an ass but it was what you knew. Now life is full of new things and you are faced with making decisions on your own and wondering if you are doing things right.

I am speaking from experience, i also had those doubts but then i remember the bad things and how I am more in charge of my own life now.
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Old 03-17-2012, 09:11 PM
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I think you recognized that you had to leave the situation you were in, and that you did the right thing, but things haven't turned out the way you hoped. You are in a sort of limbo instead of emerging from the other side into a better place. New friends, new hobbies, the kids adjusting, these things do come with time, and effort.

I know I have times where I look at our situation, and think that I did the right thing for me, but doubt that it was the right thing for the kids, and wonder if I was just being selfish. But I look back at things I wrote during that time, and I know that I was a crappy parent when things were at their worst, and that overall, although I may not like how things are going in the short term, in the long term, I am teaching them a lot more about respect and healthy relationships than they would have learned if I had stayed in the misery my marriage had become.
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Old 03-17-2012, 10:09 PM
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Agreed with everything from SOS and Rioe.
Can I also suggest counselling ? or group counselling ? Set up routine as well...say every other Monday meet friend xxxx for a coffee. Try new things as well.
Also sounds like the kids might benefit from counselling. Talk to your family doctor...he/she will be able to give some referrals for you.
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Old 03-18-2012, 01:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inseperationhell View Post

Before seperation, I was living in a nightmare, daily panic attacks, fear of coming home, feared saying anything, unhappy and wanting it all to end. I was told a classic emotional and financially abusive situation and I had to get out for my own good.
You answer your own question.
My advice to you - don't take it so personally.
He's an ass. Granted. Not your fault. Don't take it personal.

As much as you see the kids 'spiralling downwards', they are not. And all the stuff you disagree with (R rated movies) are really inconsequential in the grand scheme of things. Cihldren are very resilient, and eventually will see that dad's an idiot for bad mouthing you.

You did what you needed to do for yourself. That takes courage.
You are worth the hassle. Never doubt it.
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Old 03-18-2012, 01:15 PM
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Maybe you need to have a no obligations romantic encounter to cheer up?

If you live in my area, and have really low standards - maybe I can help?

lol
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Old 03-18-2012, 01:58 PM
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Lol wretched! Spoken like a true guy! InSepHell: big pat on the back to you. Freedom is not free. Don't you be looking back. You got away from a hopeless jerk. That takes guts and courage. Lots of it. A lot of ppl are too afraid to leave. Better the devil they know. Well, screw that. Group counselling would be helpful for you, more so than one on one. You are feeling vulnerable and your self esteem has taken a big hit. It's normal to feel the "ok, now what?" stage. Night out w/the girls, take some time to be good to YOU. I have gone thru hell separating from my ex and am still not out the other side but God am I glad I got out. I understand it's a lot harder when finances are tough - trust me, I know first hand.

As for meaningless/casual encounters: ha, it doesn't really help but I did indulge a little w/my new freedom. I have never had a problem meeting men: just not really all that interested in most of them. Do you have a few gf's you can go out with? As for mutual friends you no longer seem to have - f*ck them if they have disappeared/aren't supportive as they were never true friends to begin with. If you are in GTA, PM me - I'll get you out for some fun but to answer your question I think a lot of what you're feeling is normal but time for you to re-program yourself. Starting now. no looking back. You were w/an ass for years and it's early days still since you're separated. That's YEARS of bs and crap to de-toxify. The good news is: you are out. You're free. You are brave, gutsy and strong for all of that. Make sure you tell yourself that at least once a day
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Old 03-18-2012, 03:03 PM
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Thank you for all the words. It is warm and the sun is shining today, I can finally see some grass, another couple of days, the snow will be gone.
Just came in from petting my neighbor's horses and planning on where I will put the new vegetable gardern. I have to find things to do when I am on my own for me.... So I am starting today - re-program myself for me and de-toxify. I think that is the only way I will survive.
Wretched - too bad I am 500 km away from Hamilton - nearest city, Ottawa, is 75 km away. Maybe a no-obligations encounter is exactly what I need LOL...
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Old 03-20-2012, 02:35 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by inseperationhell View Post
Thank you for all the words. It is warm and the sun is shining today, I can finally see some grass, another couple of days, the snow will be gone.
Just came in from petting my neighbor's horses and planning on where I will put the new vegetable gardern. I have to find things to do when I am on my own for me.... So I am starting today - re-program myself for me and de-toxify. I think that is the only way I will survive.
Wretched - too bad I am 500 km away from Hamilton - nearest city, Ottawa, is 75 km away. Maybe a no-obligations encounter is exactly what I need LOL...
The fact that she checked to see your location might mean something....ahhhhhhhh yeeaahhhhh!

Your story is very similar to mine and I'm sure a lot of others on here. I think most of us with kids carry guilt and feel that we may have been selfish to leave. I'm guilty of remembering the good times too much and forgetting all of the bad that was going on in my marriage. Financial strain seems to come with the territory of divorce but at the end of the day, you probably did what was right for you and your kids, there is an adjustment period for everyone (which is tough), and eventually you will get through it.

To be honest, I read your post after having to leave work for a few minutes because I was starting to feel too depressed about my separation (and I'm generally someone who is almost always in a good mood). My separation started 2 years ago and I still have my moments. Don't worry, in time everything will work itself out and your kids will see that their Dad is bitter for talking smack about you.
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Old 03-20-2012, 03:02 PM
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((hugs))

I am all to familiar with those emotions... for me I wrote about them - I kept a private online blog (so I could access it anywhere at any time) and did not share it with any one!

I labelled these emotions "mourning my marriage" and spewed to great lengths about this.... I look back on that, re-read those posts, and I am amazed I stayed as long as I did.

As for the kids - there are many of us who grew as children of divorced parents, our kids will thrive just as well. Growing up, it was awesome - I had two homes, two Christmases, two birthdays, two summer vacations.... I felt bad for my friends who's parents were still together and didn't get double of everything!! LOL!!

Being on my own now, I finally feel like I can breath! As someone mentioned earlier, I too feel like I am a better single parent than I was as a married parent. Sure I am still stressed - but it's a different kind of stress, I find it more manageable... I find our "girl time" to be so much more rewarding, and when I go to bed I don't have someone hogging the bed/blankets or snoring in my ear!! LOL

Sounds like you're on the right track in taking that "me" time... try new things, stuff that you would not have done before as a "wife" give it a shot now - who knows, you might like it My new hobby is candle-making... ex didn't like candles, I loved them, so I gave making them a try and found it to be a lot of fun!!

((hugs)) and best wishes!!


p.s. steaming hot bubble baths with lots of candles and a glass (or two) of wine on kid-less nights = GLORIOUS!! "daddy weekends" seem to be the only time I get to use the bathroom by myself!! LOL!!
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