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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #21 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2010, 11:06 AM
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Unfortunately for the OP any attempt to bring up the sexual assault now would probably be seen as retaliatory, which is actually what her ex did.

We don't know or need to know the details of the alleged assault, that is for the courts and a judge to determine if it is significant to the trial.

The reality is, justice does exist. It is just human nature makes it hard to realize. If the OP didn't react in a way that got her into trouble, she wouldn't be in this scenario, whether she was setup or not. I find most people create their own problems by over-reacting to their ex's and allowing themselves to be dragged into the drama.

I learned a long time ago there was nothing I could gain by entertaining my ex's drama. She could rant and rave call me this and that, but it was only when I allowed myself to become involved in the back and forth or defending my position that I got myself stressed out and pissed off. Now, I take the position of radio silence. I do not communicate with my ex unless there is a need to discuss our daughter. And when I do, I keep communication via email and business like. I only ask simple questions of "is this copy for me" when it comes to documents sent home to her personally.

In most cases, you and your ex are not going to like each other. You are both going to position yourselves in a way that you feel will benefit yourself. Unfortunately, that will create a vicious cycle and the only losers will be.....well, everyone.
  #22 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2010, 12:17 PM
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Having sex with a sleeping child beside us happened -- although not often enough, in my opinion.


Wow. How disgusting.

I do somewhat agree Hammerdad, it may come across as vindictive but perhaps if she talked about it with the police or vitim services they may be able to help her. This may continue if she does not lay it all out on the table.

To the original poster- Either way you do proceed please pursue seeking help. There is justice, some times you just have to look for it.
  #23 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2010, 12:24 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monkees View Post
You take all this way to seriously. You have better posts than me. Oh nos. Whatever will I do. This is a divorce advice site, or at least I thought it was. What it turned out to be is the same lot of emotionally crippled people jumping peoples throats on a message board. They should re-name it to - "Can't get over my own issues to have an ojective opinion so please post your question and and dadtotheend and his friends can feel better about themselves for a minute or two by preying upon others who may be as equally emotionally distraught".

Total and complete bullshit.

You explain away your name calling and then blame everyone else. You are the person who can't get over 4 extra hours of access because of your own issues with your ex. You are the person who can't appreciate the good advice given by people who have been around here a lot longer than you. You are the person who fails to heed advice even when everyone disagrees with your silly position regarding a tiny bit of extra access for your children to their father.

I am the person who calls a spade a spade when people like you are unable to remain child centred.

The reason "dadtotheend and his friends" feel better about themselves is because they learned a long time ago to separate their bad feelings about their ex's from what's best for the kids, which is something some of the newbies around need to learn as well. "Dadtotheend and his friends" are like the judges who hear day in day out why the children should suffer because the parents can't get along. "Dadtotheend and his friends" sometimes feel the need to slap the wrists of those people until they learn what child centred really means.

Monkees, so far you have been a poster child for that newbie.

Last edited by dadtotheend; 09-21-2010 at 01:10 PM.
  #24 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2010, 12:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by monkees View Post
Having sex with a sleeping child beside us happened -- although not often enough, in my opinion.


Wow. How disgusting.
You do know that there are many parents who co-sleep with their child as it is believed to help with bonding, and as a result do at times end up having sex with the child asleep in the bed with them.....not saying I agree with it, I am just saying....to each their own....
  #25 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2010, 01:07 PM
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Oh, for heavens' sake. If somebody is seeking justice, I can not think of any more important question than: "Ok. What happened?" before arriving at a judgement. I ask one question and some of you fly off the handle. I can understand reading between the lines but some of you read from your own book and then make up the rest of the story. Here, this is what I am reading at the top of the page: "This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more." I do not understand the prudishness of some of you.

What, is the accusation of sexual assault now a free pass?? One person cries "Sexual assault!" and some of you rally around ready to tar and feather the man she accuses?? Jeez. I never thought that marital sex would be such an inflammatory subject! maybe her ex would have got off better if she called him a cheater and left it at that. That is a hint.





The OP asked if justice exists. The concept of justice is very subjective and even philosophical. Whereas, divorce law -- much like most of the rest of civil law -- is just a formalized way to mediate disputes. Like most of us in divorce, the OP feels like she got a bad rap and was treated unfairly by the man she chose to marry. Clearly, she is wrestling with more than just formalities.


What we are observing here is a fight between two exes. The actual events were never observed by any of us. We just have to trust the OP and assume that it is the gospel truth? I point that out because of her closing statement: "I am afraid to be near him and he is avoiding anyone he has to look in the eyes." which is clearly ridiculous. She has no idea how he looks at other people. She is trying to defame and shine a bad light on him to make us prejudiced. I am starting my analysis with that because I do not believe our OP is objective in the least. As evidenced by the reaction of half the people in this thread, the sexual assault card is clearly an easy free pass.



Quote:
Originally Posted by dadtotheend View Post
Be careful, making jokes about having sex beside a child might be funny to you, but some folks will get all bent out of shape hearing it. I'm not saying it's wrong or right, just that you're on thin ice where some folks are concerned.
I am not too sure what you thought was a joke. I was just joking about the lack of sex -- yeah, I am a loser.
If you have a hang-up about the child being beside us in the bed, that is a different story. I can not help you there. Look up co-sleeping and attachment parenting. HammerDad got it right.




Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
There is a big difference between one incident and an ongoing pattern of abuse and assault. If you have evidence of the latter, and perhaps you do, then you should seek therapy.
Agreed. That is partly why I asked for what happened.

Now, let us consider putting the shoe on the other foot. If this lady refused to have sex every single night, if that was her pattern of behavior -- something none of us will ever know -- then I think her victim status is highly dubious. She is just as much of an abuser as she portends her husband to be. I say that fully recognizing that marital rape is unacceptable behavior. Regardless, in the context of marriage, a spouse withholding intimacy and affection from the other is abuse. When it happens regularly without explanation, then it becomes sociopathic too. If you drive somebody crazy, you should expect crazy behavior in response.

Given that the OP is now shacked up with an other woman, I think the balance of probabilities is that she deceived her husband and made him dangle in the wind in confusion about what the hell was going on in her head when she married him. We just do not know what came first: the chicken or the egg. Who started to abuse who first. We are just witnessing a fight and assuming one person started it. I am not saying that to excuse abuse but to examine how justice may be playing out.

I, for one, believe that justice is a moot point. You get what you bargain for in life, not what you deserve.
  #26 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2010, 01:09 PM
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OP- have you asked for OCL involvement? They may be able to sort out what really is going on and make strong recommendations for child custody related to the situation.

How serious was the abuse? Was it often? You do have options...
  #27 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2010, 01:20 PM
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Was it abuse? If so take action. You had mediation, ask the mediator what they thought about the disclosure. They may be willing to give you clear advice that you obviously are not getting from here, or give more information so that everyone is on the same page.
  #28 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2010, 01:37 PM
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Originally Posted by monkees View Post
dadtotheend-2000+ posts on a website?????? Do you ever leave your computer? Who is looking after your poor kids as it appears all your time and energy is spent here spewing your negativity?
Wow...so does that mean that I, who post an average of 8-10 per day am letting my children wither away? That my "poor kids" should be at home with me rather than at school while my broken bone heals?? Call CAS and tell THEM that

You asked a question, got advice...why are you still here with your negativity?

Dad-I have read many of your posts, and know that you are here to help when you can...and you do...

So much for raising my coffee mug to peace today
  #29 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2010, 01:46 PM
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As for a claim of sexual assault...

Often, if it is not reported when it occurs, and is brought forth in the midst of a custody battle and divorce, the victim is hung out to dry...the laws changed long ago on sexual assault, but the bias is still there in the police stations and court houses across the country. Your local police station will have a victims services unit, and I would suggest raising the matter with them or your family physician, then deciding whether or not to pursue the matter in a criminal court.

When it comes to the children, however, it is a serious issue. Sexual abuse and claims of violence have been used to prevent fathers from seeing their children, and if you have a concern for your children's well-being, then I urge you to look at options to ensure their safety.

But even I would have severe questions on the issue of sexual assaut...and I have been one of the women on the receiving end of a "he said, she said" sexual assault that I wish, in retrospect, that I had never reported.
  #30 (permalink)  
Old 09-21-2010, 01:54 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AnarX View Post
Now, let us consider putting the shoe on the other foot. If this lady refused to have sex every single night, if that was her pattern of behavior -- something none of us will ever know -- then I think her victim status is highly dubious. She is just as much of an abuser as she portends her husband to be. I say that fully recognizing that marital rape is unacceptable behavior. Regardless, in the context of marriage, a spouse withholding intimacy and affection from the other is abuse. When it happens regularly without explanation, then it becomes sociopathic too. If you drive somebody crazy, you should expect crazy behavior in response.
Anyone has the right to refuse sex at any given time, every night, every morning and every afternoon. If the partner isn't happy with it then he/she should leave the relationship and find someone who is interested, not force themselves on someone else. It doesn't matter what her pattern of behaviour or interest in relations were - you CANNOT justify sexual assault or rape in any way at all and assign blame to the victim. Everyone has the right to say NO at anytime, before or during and anything that occurs after that point is assault.

You cannot honestly expect anyone to agree with you that this woman is at fault for being assaulted because she refused to be intimate with him which drove him to assaulting her!

The rest of your post about her choice of partners afterwards is ridiculous also. After what she's been through already, it doesn't surprise me she would choose to move in a different direction. Hopefully her new partner is supportive and makes her happy.
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