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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 02-03-2012, 10:38 AM
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When you get separated, you sure find out who your real friends are (and some family).

I used to get so annoyed when my friends would get separated as that was the only thing they talked about. I even remember on occasion mentioning that I would surely go out for a beer, but let’s not talk about your divorce.

Then I got separated. And, my divorce was an ugly one. High conflict divorce the system called it. “They” had no idea.

That being said, I have enormous patience now for anyone going through a divorce.

Especially with my male friends, when I hear of a separation, I first make sure they stay alive! Then basically sober. Finally, somewhat on track. My spare bedroom has been occupied on several occasions.

On the suicide note, I have lost at least five friends to divorce-related suicide. Being in the Army, divorce is a part of this life, unfortunately.

Just my two cents.
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Old 02-03-2012, 10:57 AM
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Is it wierd that I'm not feeling any of this angst?

I was definitely under a bit of stress being separated in my marital home for over a year and a half with my ex but now that that's over...I'm as happy as a clam. Yea, the money situation is different...dealing with custody assessments and court...blah, blah, blah. But I actually have kind of stopped talking about divorce to my friends unless they ask me a question. I'm so busy with other stuff...like trying to figure out why I packed the remotes in a different box than the stereos.

I know I've got a lot of upcoming stuff but I'm not that nervous about it and I'm so glad to just be on my own. I'm generally always a happy person but right now, its even more so.

I feel no desire to talk about divorce at all, except to read the posts on here when I'm at work. Its dull and depressing and I'd rather do other things. I'm I the only one that feels like that?
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Old 05-20-2013, 01:46 AM
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Over 2 and a half years, 3 court orders and were exactly where we were when it all started. Exception, were 130 thousand further in debt of which I won't live long enough to recover from. Have been declared deceased not once but twice, have had more nails in my tires in past 3 years then ten cars could get in a life time. I get to watch the X and his newest fling use our vehilces and spend all that he stole and hid while my kids and I live in a tent in a friends back yard. The court orders mean nothing and they do nothing to enforce them. But my glass is still half full. At least there is no snow on the ground!
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Old 05-21-2013, 03:30 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
I feel no desire to talk about divorce at all, except to read the posts on here when I'm at work. Its dull and depressing and I'd rather do other things. I'm I the only one that feels like that?
I don't talk about it much outside the forum. I've gotten through it, and its done, there is no point in looking back in anger. I'm kinda back to where I was after university financially, living in a basement apartment. But I chose to look at the bright side. My kids are getting better, they really enjoy spending time with me now. My ex is dating and seems happy(so she doesn't send me nastygrams anymore). I have a woman in my life who seems to cherish me, and I her. I have some rewarding hobbies and some great friends.

I didn't lose any friends after separation, I even took the opportunity to reach out to some old friends that had drifted away because they didn't like my ex. I think most of them understood I needed to vent a bit.
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Old 05-21-2013, 05:02 PM
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"Nastygrams" - great word.

I find that no one can really understand the awfulness of a bad divorce unless they've been through it. I have a couple of friends who will listen, but I don't want to strain their patience so I try to ration the amount of divorce talk.

In a way, going through this has actually made me a better friend because it's made me more open and more willing to take risks and talk about the hard things in life, as well as the happy-smiley parts - so I would say my friendships have grown stronger because I have talked about this stuff.

The man in my life has also been through a bad divorce, though he's a few years further along the curve than I am. We talk about it a lot - though I have to remind us sometimes to stop talking about it, talk about the good and positive things about life so we don't end up colonized by the bad and traumatic.

I do quite a bit of self-talk, reminding myself of the good things that are in my life now that weren't there before the divorce - friends, love, faith, a strong relationship with my daughter, health, professional achievements, and so forth. The divorce losses are small in comparison. Which is not to say that it doesn't still hurt like hell.
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Old 05-22-2013, 10:12 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
"Nastygrams" - great word.

I find that no one can really understand the awfulness of a bad divorce unless they've been through it. I have a couple of friends who will listen, but I don't want to strain their patience so I try to ration the amount of divorce talk.

In a way, going through this has actually made me a better friend because it's made me more open and more willing to take risks and talk about the hard things in life, as well as the happy-smiley parts - so I would say my friendships have grown stronger because I have talked about this stuff.

The man in my life has also been through a bad divorce, though he's a few years further along the curve than I am. We talk about it a lot - though I have to remind us sometimes to stop talking about it, talk about the good and positive things about life so we don't end up colonized by the bad and traumatic.

I do quite a bit of self-talk, reminding myself of the good things that are in my life now that weren't there before the divorce - friends, love, faith, a strong relationship with my daughter, health, professional achievements, and so forth. The divorce losses are small in comparison. Which is not to say that it doesn't still hurt like hell.
I think one of the very valuable things about this site is seeing that in comparison to some, my divorce, bad as it was, wasnt as bad as it could have been. We didn't go to court, we didn't spend tens of thousands.

I too have made some stronger friendships. My sister in law has become a very close friend as a result. She has been a rock, and having been through the process herself has provided some valuable perspective. One of my friends from public school, who I reconnected with weeks after my separation, has also become a close friend, through sharing some of our experiences.

I think it is natural to occasionally fall back into a venting mode. I know I have and my GF does on occasion. And thats natural. But whats important to guard against is that it can be an impediment to moving forward with a new relationship. When we hold so much emotion for past issues, we don't necessarily give our all to the new one people in our lives. And they deserve the best of us.
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Old 05-22-2013, 10:31 AM
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Quote:
I too have made some stronger friendships. My sister in law has become a very close friend as a result. She has been a rock, and having been through the process herself has provided some valuable perspective. One of my friends from public school, who I reconnected with weeks after my separation, has also become a close friend, through sharing some of our experiences.
Downtrodden:

Despite the lamenting on this forum, I think there's a lot of huge positives that can happen and come out of divorce.

Obviously, getting out of a nightmarish marriage is a great thing but the perspective it gives you can be truly life-changing.

For me, being in a miserable marriage made it hard for me to connect well with people in my life. I just didn't have the energy level I have now since it was being drained from my horrible relationship.

It also gives you a chance to prune the tree of other people who aren't really interested in your best interest. You can more easily identify and get rid of friends and family who basically are as toxic as your ex.

Since the divorce, I'm definitely a better mom, was a better daughter for my mom in the last years of her life, am a much better friend and am a better life-partner.

But I think the most important changes I've found is the sense of peace...and the return of my hopes and dreams. For a long time, I just gave up hoping for anything because I was with someone I would never achieve those goals with. Its nice to be dreaming for things again.
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Old 05-22-2013, 08:00 PM
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Agree completely with Pursuinghappiness. I was sorting out some old photos yesterday and was struck by how unhealthy I looked pre-divorce - nothing really obvious, just a little pudgy, a little pale, and more than a little nervous and tired. I look at recent pictures of myself and I'm smiling and laughing, and don't look like I'm watching over my shoulder for someone to criticize me. I look older (i.e. I look my real age), but better. In the midst of the venting and the ongoing headaches, I need to remember that this really was the best move I could have made. (The challenge now is to keep detached from residual negativity and stay focused on the present and the future). The people in my life have a much better mom, partner, family member, friend and colleague than they did before.
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Old 05-22-2013, 08:21 PM
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Like Downtrodden Dad, I choose to look on the bright side, although it can "hurt like hell" as stripes mentioned.

I completely identify with PH, to "prune the tree" of people who really do not have your best interests in mind. What a great analogy. I've had to do this early on, to establish boundaries. I cannot describe the sense of relief and freedom and joy I have experienced on this long journey as a result of those actions. They made way for the wonderful new people I've met, and friendships that were formed, as a result of those prunings and boundaries.
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Old 05-24-2013, 09:23 AM
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Yahooo to the future!!! Woman power!! Self empowerment!!!

Try: Katy Perry's Part of Me

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