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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 01-23-2012, 11:16 AM
Sax Sax is offline
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Default Does anyone really want to hear our woes?

I'm not convinced, as supportive as my friends and family are, that anyone wants to hear our woes .... I get tired of thinking and talking about it and I'm sure they do too. It's just really hard to put yourself in somebody's shoes. I really need to talk things out - that's how I resolve issues - but I feel like a broken record.....
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Old 01-23-2012, 12:22 PM
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Sometimes even if they just listen and don't offer any advice or words or wisdom it's just nice to have someone to talk to.
I think hobbies are a great thing to have so all of your time and energy isn't put into your divorce.
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Old 01-23-2012, 12:39 PM
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Yes you are correct. Friends and family will only listen and be supportive for so long, then they get tired of hearing the same thing. Most don't really know how to help you.

Even the most simple of family law settlements are more complicated then the average friend has experience with. Did you know what you were going to face when you started this? Family law issues tend to go on for longer then anyone anticipates, and friends and family loose patience.

Use your EAP program at work to find a therapist or counsellor. Posting on this board also helps.

You need someone qualified to help you work through the emotional issues. You might think you don't have any, but you do, everyone does. You don't want to do this in your lawyers office. Lawyers offices are for business, not discussing your exs. personality and faults.

Hobbies are nice to have, exercise is also a good coping tool, it helps to work out the sometimes incredible frustration that comes up. In my opinion you need them all.
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Old 01-23-2012, 01:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sax View Post
I'm not convinced, as supportive as my friends and family are, that anyone wants to hear our woes .... I get tired of thinking and talking about it and I'm sure they do too. It's just really hard to put yourself in somebody's shoes. I really need to talk things out - that's how I resolve issues - but I feel like a broken record.....
They may get tired of it, etc, but that's what friends are for - to help you, and talking about it helps. They more they are willing to listen or try to help you, the better friend they are to help you.

However, it's good to reflect on how much you talk about your situation, because then you may be overstepping your friendship and not being a good friend to THEM - don't forget to talk about their life too!

Also, let them know how much you appreciate them listening - appreciate them both in words and actions.
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Old 01-23-2012, 02:14 PM
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It depends.

If that is all you talk about, they will quickly get tired of hearing the negativity. But if it forms a small part of a conversation, then it shouldn't hurt.

Try not to bring it up. Should they ask, tell them, but keep it brief and try not to get too worked up.
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Old 01-23-2012, 04:00 PM
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Thanks everyone!

Frustratedwithex: I have called my EAP today - just before lunch! (Great Advice)
HamerDad: You are right and I have noticed this so I'm trying to stay as cheery as I can and talk about other things!
billm: You are right and my friends are GREAT! But, as you said - I need to be a good friend to them too ... and I do make an effort!
tiredofthisnow: yes, I do have hobbies and I've been watching some tv shows on Netflix which I am really enjoying and I can really get lost in which is a nice shift for me.

I find it hard because I'm away from my friends in a different city so I'm somewhat of an island here. I do have friends but they are married and have busy lives so I don't want to impose!
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Old 01-23-2012, 10:33 PM
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There's two kinds of people you can talk to about this stuff.

People who haven't been through it and have no clue and get uncomfortable when you appear to be dwelling on it. You can talk about all kinds of other things to them, though, and it's nice to do so, but sometimes you just want them to understand.

People who have been through something similar, and end up sharing their own story with you and commiserating. But you can end up in a depressing spiral of it being all you have in common and all you ever talk about.

Personally, I lost a lot of my friends as they don't understand, and it's harder to keep in touch with them with my new single-mom type schedule, and I haven't even moved to a new city. I recommend getting involved in your neighbourhood, meet new people, volunteer at your children's school, get to know their friends' parents. You'd probably be surprised how many may have been through this too.
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Old 01-24-2012, 11:08 PM
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Hi, I dont think anyone really wants to hear it, freind or foe, the problem is you can only pretend life is peachy for so long, you can only watch movies for so long and they dont seem funny anymore, excercise till your to tired, work till you cant,,,,,,the great seperation/divorce, financial distruction, emotional upheaval, stupid x stuff, expensive lawyer crap keeps comming there and is no end . If this stuff cant get you by phone, email, paper, then there is always the great x liying cheating or tormenting the kids. Then later you still get to see the crap re-surface at the chilrens awards, graduations, weddings, grand childrens birthdays when we have to again walk on egg shells and pretend everything is peachey. Why do people have children if they never wanted to help and support them and set goog examples and be together for life. Why cant somthings just be and we agree to disagree, anyway sorry for the rant but I got 22 e-mails. ll calls, the monthly aculative lawyers bill and a demand notice for more money and the great x still is hidding everything. Now as my kids put it," its only tuesday mom, the glass is still half full and you got the rest of the week to look forward to more of this........."
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Old 01-26-2012, 05:22 PM
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My kids are adults now, which is nice .... my friends are amazing which is lucky for me .... they know I will get to things in my own time and they are 100% supportive. I need to work on myself - stop being a codependent person. Until I do this, I can't move past all this crap and start a new healthy relationship. I am focusing on myself ... being positive as much as possible ... finding out who I am ... I am speaking to a counsellor through my EAP who I was able to release and tell my whole story to which felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders! I need to be honest with myself and stop feeling guilty and down for other people's (my ex especially) behaviour - I can only control myself ... that's my focus now ... "Step 1: admitting what is really going on with me" accomplished! Now the work begins!
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Old 01-27-2012, 02:19 AM
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Hi, a couple of mine are just turning into adults but there so depressed, and ashamed of their parents they may never recover. They have no faith in the legal system or cops as they have watched all the unfair and unjust happen around their father filing for divorce. I brought them up to be good caring individuals, to always do the right thing and their on the sidelines watching their father destroy me. They want a new life, they want to change their names, they were really good kids and now they don't want to be, their marks are dropping, their hanging with really lost people and I cant help them pull out of this spiral. There father is trying to get them to fail in University and treats them awful, he has only seen them 2 times in 10 months and they want to move across the country away from this all. I cant afford to send them to school away from this mess, so its the circus act around them. I do everything to keep them out of all this but he keeps dragging them in. Im just exhausted trying to keep the glass half full.
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