Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce Support

Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #11 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2011, 11:38 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Ontario
Posts: 53
Pink is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by billm View Post
Pink, maybe the simple answer is what would want your child to do if they were in the same situation when they grew up?
The problem with that bill is I would have a very hard time telling them to leave and make themselves happy (unless of course they were being beaten) just because I know what they are going to go through in a divorce and you just never know what the grandchildren would be exposed to in future mates as well.
Perhaps I feel that way because my Mom was not happy with my father, but stayed anyway for our benefit. Often times I would say you should have just left, we all would have been better off, but now I'm not so sure of that.

All kinds of "what if's"
that's life I suppose.
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2011, 08:45 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: London Area
Posts: 19
Grauwulf is on a distinguished road
Default

Life is full of a lot of 'ifs' unfortunatly. But you only get one shot at a decision usually, and a limited amount of time to ponder the options and ramifications. I've tried to learn to live life without playing the 'what if' game after the fact. You make decisions the best you can, with the information and skills you have at the time and you go from there. Beating yourself up over the decisions you make will drive you buggy and it isn't healthy.

Do I regret leaving my ex? Occasionally, but its few and far between. I had this discussion with friends and family if it is better to stay in a relationship and raise my son in a miserable household, or to have the possibility of two happy households and happy parents raising a child. I'm here, so you know what my choice was. Am I happy? Not yet, but I'm a *lot* less miserable than I was a year ago. I miss seeing my son all the time, but work has me away from home a lot, so I make every minute I have with him count.

Do I feel guilty about getting a divorce? Not in the least. My relationship with my ex was built on lies, manipulation and deceit. She doesn't see anything wrong with that, in fact she was *proud* of having done it. If she even showed an ounce of remorse or regret, there might possibly be a small chance I might feel a little guilty. Maybe.
  #13 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2011, 09:04 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 129
walshch is on a distinguished road
Default

A "Single Parent-Happy Home" is better than a "2 Parent-Fighting Home." IMO
  #14 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2011, 09:18 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: London Area
Posts: 19
Grauwulf is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by walshch View Post
A "Single Parent-Happy Home" is better than a "2 Parent-Fighting Home." IMO
Doesn't even have to be fighting, just stress and strain and no love is bad enough.
  #15 (permalink)  
Old 04-13-2011, 09:21 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 129
walshch is on a distinguished road
Default

Grauwolf.....Agreed !! It was control issues in my case.
  #16 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2012, 05:22 PM
Junior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: georgian bay
Posts: 26
mglee is on a distinguished road
Default

Ok Pink, so I'm new. I have looked at this site before, but your post about regret prompted me to join. I do feel some guilt and regret, but am working to resolve these issues so I can move forward. I did the oposite of you. My ex and I never fought, or very rarely. It seemed like we lived in a marriage of indifference. I waited till my kids were grown. I had, or thought I had come to terms with "this is my life and just deal with it". Havent been happy for years. Burried those feelings so I could pretend to myself that it was good. Somehow I found the strength this fall to utter those words; "I'm leaving". Most difficult thing I ever did.
I am so much more at ease now. As far as if it is better to leave sonner rather than later; to each his own. I waited and it is what it is. My kids are 21, 19 and 16. The two oldest are away at school. It's the oldest who is a girl who is having the most difficulty, however she is also the one who knows I have been unhappy for years. The other two are boys and are taking it very matter of fact.
Do I regret waiting. No, cause obviously I did it when I was ready to do it. Do I feel guilt, remorse; yes. I do feel I have betrayed the family unit for my own happiness. However, having said that I know I was at the end of my rope and could no longer deal with the continuous burying my feelings. So it is better for me and in the end it will be better for everyone, if they choose it to be.
Hows that for a first post. lol This is a difficult process, but I do believe that in the end it will be for the best. Attitude is everything.
And I know I intend on making the best of this, cause if it isn't, imagine putting my family through this and then not being happier!
  #17 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2012, 05:48 PM
hadenough's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,468
hadenough is on a distinguished road
Default

No guilt. Some regret - but only that I didn't leave a lot sooner. The only guilt I feel is that I chose who I did to be my son's father. It's an incredibly huge sacrifice to make - to stay - "for the sake of the kids."
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2012, 05:50 PM
billm's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 2,430
billm is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by mglee View Post
Ok Pink, so I'm new. I have looked at this site before, but your post about regret prompted me to join. I do feel some guilt and regret, but am working to resolve these issues so I can move forward. I did the oposite of you. My ex and I never fought, or very rarely. It seemed like we lived in a marriage of indifference. I waited till my kids were grown. I had, or thought I had come to terms with "this is my life and just deal with it". Havent been happy for years. Burried those feelings so I could pretend to myself that it was good. Somehow I found the strength this fall to utter those words; "I'm leaving". Most difficult thing I ever did.
I am so much more at ease now. As far as if it is better to leave sonner rather than later; to each his own. I waited and it is what it is. My kids are 21, 19 and 16. The two oldest are away at school. It's the oldest who is a girl who is having the most difficulty, however she is also the one who knows I have been unhappy for years. The other two are boys and are taking it very matter of fact.
Do I regret waiting. No, cause obviously I did it when I was ready to do it. Do I feel guilt, remorse; yes. I do feel I have betrayed the family unit for my own happiness. However, having said that I know I was at the end of my rope and could no longer deal with the continuous burying my feelings. So it is better for me and in the end it will be better for everyone, if they choose it to be.
Hows that for a first post. lol This is a difficult process, but I do believe that in the end it will be for the best. Attitude is everything.
And I know I intend on making the best of this, cause if it isn't, imagine putting my family through this and then not being happier!
One thing I like about your post is the simple fact that you did not blame your unhappiness and choices on your ex. Great attitude.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2012, 06:16 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 2,800
Pursuinghappiness will become famous soon enough
Default

I think a lot of divorcing people deal with feelings of failure and/or guilt because they didn't provide the picture perfect home environment for their children to grow up in.

The funny thing is that if I look back on my own life, the things that made me into the person that I truly am are the hardships that I've overcome through my life. In fact, some of the best and happiest people I've ever met in my life had extremely difficult childhoods. Children who never have to deal with anything...never learn coping mechanisms..or learn to overcome difficulties and challenges.

There is a wealth of benefit that can come out of a divorce for children. I've noticed that the time that my children spend with each parents may be overall reduced, however, its more focused, one-on-one time.

I'm so thankful for my divorce...for myself...for my children. It has its difficult moments but is also an empowering life decision for me. I'm soooo glad I did it. My only regret is that I wasn't mature enough when I married to realize that my ex was simply the wrong person for me and vice versa.
  #20 (permalink)  
Old 04-10-2012, 06:19 PM
hadenough's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 2,468
hadenough is on a distinguished road
Default

PH: so well said. Thanks for that. That was damn near poetic Lady
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Childcare: Is this a 'guilt trip' or real responsibility? NonBPD_Dad Parenting Issues 3 01-27-2011 12:00 PM
Pending Trial ConcernenedStepMom78 Divorce & Family Law 101 01-07-2011 10:01 AM
I feel nauseous :( Boxer Divorce Support 34 10-25-2010 03:58 PM
Guilt support cotekat Financial Issues 15 02-16-2010 11:14 PM
Feel sad and guilty bman Divorce Support 3 03-17-2006 01:54 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 08:16 PM.