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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 04-12-2011, 06:54 PM
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Default Do you feel guilt or regret?

For those of you who were the ones to ask for the divorce, do you have any feelings of guilt or regret..especially if there are children involved?

With all of the nonsense going through this divorce and the stress it has caused for the kids I sometimes feel guilty that I didn't just wait until they were grown to ask him to leave.
Maybe I should have just waited another 10yrs, put my own needs and feelings on hold and let them grow up, after all I am the one who chose him as their father.

I have asked other people this question before but most haven't been in this position and they typically say if you aren't happy the kids aren't happy or its not healthy for them to be in a 2 parent home if the parents don't get along.
I get that but we never fought and got along for the most part, so it's not like they saw us yelling and screaming at each other. Are they really any better off now that their dad is with a new woman who doesn't know how to behave like an adult?

I don't miss or want the x back. I just struggle with the guilt.
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Old 04-12-2011, 07:34 PM
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Guilt? Yes

Regret? No

Cheers!

Gary
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:08 PM
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There are lots of things in life to feel guilty about - trust in your decision - and work to make yourself happy - and wish the best for him .......... THAT is what the kids deserve. If there are comments about his new partner ..... the kids will pick up and that and THAT is not healthy. No matter what - he deserves to be happy too -- everyone does!
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Old 04-12-2011, 08:52 PM
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I regret my child has had to be put through it.
But what can you do?
Life changes, and we march on.
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Old 04-12-2011, 09:01 PM
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Originally Posted by neverdivorced View Post
There are lots of things in life to feel guilty about...
I'll say. Thanks goodness I don't beat myself up over that
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Old 04-12-2011, 10:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pink View Post
For those of you who were the ones to ask for the divorce, do you have any feelings of guilt or regret..especially if there are children involved?

With all of the nonsense going through this divorce and the stress it has caused for the kids I sometimes feel guilty that I didn't just wait until they were grown to ask him to leave.
Maybe I should have just waited another 10yrs, put my own needs and feelings on hold and let them grow up, after all I am the one who chose him as their father.

I have asked other people this question before but most haven't been in this position and they typically say if you aren't happy the kids aren't happy or its not healthy for them to be in a 2 parent home if the parents don't get along.
I get that but we never fought and got along for the most part, so it's not like they saw us yelling and screaming at each other. Are they really any better off now that their dad is with a new woman who doesn't know how to behave like an adult?

I don't miss or want the x back. I just struggle with the guilt.
They would still have seen or sensed that there was nothing beneath the surface calm, no mutual respect, no caring, no reality to the shallow shell approximating a happy marriage. They would have grown up never knowing what a good marriage looked like, and how to behave in one themselves.

That's one of the very main reasons my ex had to go, even though in non-couple (aka child related) matters we still get along quite well. But I didn't want my children to grow up thinking it was okay for a marriage to lack respect and intimacy, and to think lying to the people you love was acceptable.

Sometimes raising children isn't about your direct influence, but the role-modelling you are doing, the example you are setting.
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Old 04-12-2011, 10:20 PM
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Pink, maybe the simple answer is what would want your child to do if they were in the same situation when they grew up?
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Old 04-12-2011, 11:04 PM
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Guilt? Not an ounce.
Regrets? Even less. Best thing that ever happened.
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Old 04-12-2011, 11:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
They would still have seen or sensed that there was nothing beneath the surface calm, no mutual respect, no caring, no reality to the shallow shell approximating a happy marriage. They would have grown up never knowing what a good marriage looked like, and how to behave in one themselves.
...
intimacy, and to think lying to the people you love was acceptable.

Sometimes raising children isn't about your direct influence, but the role-modelling you are doing, the example you are setting.

I agree whole heartedly with this.

I made this mistake, this relationship should have ended a long time ago (17 years). They do pick up on it, and now the one remaining child at home will see that it doesn't have to be this way, the lying to your self, the putting up with the shallowness, etc...



Regret for not doing this years ago.



Someone recently told me this:


You and two young children are in a boat, and it tips who do you save?

Yourself, then you save the kids, by reaching out, if you don't save yourself how can you save the kids and show them how to reach out.
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Old 04-13-2011, 02:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
Sometimes raising children isn't about your direct influence, but the role-modelling you are doing, the example you are setting.
Yes, but what is the example we are setting, exactly?
50% of marriages end in divorce. Or so they say.
Whoever 'they' are.

I'm not sure I want to be a role model to this example.

I struggle with this every day.
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