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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 08-10-2006, 09:27 AM
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hubby will become famous soon enough
Default Do they REALLY want a divorce?

I've been questioning lately whether my wife REALLY wants a divorce and guess what?

The GOOD Lord provided me an answer today via a post on another board that I would like to share with you all ...

"Most of you don't know, but I was married once before. I was 18 and he was 31 when we dated and then later married. I had two kids with him. Somewhere at just over 3 years of marriage, something didn't feel right. I can't tell you exactly what it was, other than that it was a multitude of things. I knew that this "feeling" was telling me that I needed to get out of the relationship. On the surface things were ok, he was active duty military, he brought home a paycheck, he was soft of attentive, he came home to me every night. Something just wasn't right.

I decided that I wanted a divorce. I can honestly say once I made my decision and told him, I never looked back. I didn't stay in the same house with him, I didn't call him. I didn't email him. I didn't buy him gifts or "test" him. Oh he begged and pleaded for me to come back. I took our kids and moved out of our apartment, across the water to Seattle where jobs were more plentiful and lived in a dingy little beat up apartment for months. I had the option to go back and live in a comfortable apartment and let him bring in the paycheck, but I was so sure of what I wanted that it never even crossed my mind to go back.

That, my friends, is how a person acts when they want a divorce and are sure of it. At least 90% of you on here have a spouse that emails, calls, checks up on you, gives a hug here and there.....those aren't the actions of someone who is set on a divorce. Those are the actions of someone who is not sure what they want. Someone is torn between wanting a marriage to work and not believing that changes are real. If someone wants a divorce and just doesn't care anymore, then they don't bother doing those things.

So remember, when things are bleak and when your heart is breaking, just REMEMBER that. This is your opportunity, painful as it is, to show your spouse that you ARE changed. They are watching and they are listening and they are not exhibiting the signs of someone who wants a divorce. "

He is just SO amazing!

Hubby
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Old 08-10-2006, 06:14 PM
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mom22galz is on a distinguished road
Default Nice perspective!

I agree, Hubby! For quite a long time, my butt firmly sat on the fence. I was in "relationship ambivalence" as the experts say! I haven't been happy in about 10 years. But it was hard to let go of my image of a happy and thriving two-parent family.

Then one day, it became clear to me that I wasn't doing the kids any favours by continuing in a dysfunctional relationship with an abusive and controlling man. I was only 5 when my parents split up, and I was 9 the last time I saw my dad. Yet somehow the man who fathered my children is very similar to my own father, and our relationship equally similar to that of my parents. I don't want my girls to continue the pattern.

Although the battle to end things is not yet over, for me the relationship itself surely is. I have no desire to work things out. Could care less about his thoughts, feelings or opinions about anything unrelated to our kids. Sex, or even intimacy? Not with a 10 foot pole.

I own the house which he refuses to leave. And we were common-law so I won't simply walk away from my largest asset. But we are surely living separate and apart under the same roof. We don't eat together, don't socialize, don't exchange gifts. He sleeps in the basement, the kids and I on the 2nd floor. I've even started to spend my evenings in what we used to call the "playroom" on the 3rd floor. This way I can further avoid contact since we both still regularly access the main floor where the living room is.

There will obviously have to be some ongoing communication, but if the topic at hand does not pertain to the girls, I neither listen nor respond to him. I won't let him provoke me into an argument, the children have already been exposed to more than enough already.

So for me, it's crystal: THIS TIME, I AM DONE.

In response to your post about use of the house, did the plan include a provision that you would spend your time with the kids in the family home? That was my initial suggestion to my ex!! He didn't bite. I then offered to forego child support if he'd instead agree to put his table amount towards a 2-bed apt where they could visit him. He perceived that offer as my controlling him!

If your kids would be visiting you in your modest apartment, you have to consider overnights... If the two of you are amicable, it seems like a decent transitional concept. Almost modified bird-nesting.

Peace out!
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Old 08-15-2006, 02:23 AM
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I tried to "divorce" my boyfriend a while back (we were engaged but I didn't want to go through with it). He still acts like we're going out, even though we're not! I just hang out with him now and he knows I only want to be friends but he probably thinks it will end up becoming more than that. He is very wrong, I'm a free spirit now!
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Old 08-21-2006, 03:06 AM
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Hubby,
You are so right. I'm so glad that you found that post. Sometimes it's just something out of the blue that will finally make the light go on and everything becomes crystal clear. Sometimes people can really play emotional blackmail with others and that's just not fair!

Lauren
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