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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2012, 09:02 AM
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Originally Posted by arabian View Post
Abeona: not in my case. Just last month I thought he was going to be reasonable and stop his senseless legal action. All it turned out to be was him trying to catch me off guard and agree to something. So we're back to using lawyers. Ridiculous.

I truly believe the HCP's believe their own bullshit and is why they are like they are.
arabian, did your husband lie before the separation, that you knew of? Did you notice anything before, and was he always hc with you, or everybody?
  #12 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2012, 09:47 AM
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Unevenplayinggroung...I think you are on the right track when you say you need to find the right "key" that works for your HCP.

In my case we have 50/50 so neither of us is a "gatekeeper". I also work hard to let everyone know (from school to extra cirricular) that they need to give information to both of us. I continually follow-up on this...especially with the school. There is nothing that will send my ex HCP over the edge faster than me asking him for information I can get on my own. I don't know why...but it is definitely one of his "buttons"...so I don't push it.

I quickly learned that logic and expecting to be treated like we treat them rarely applies when dealing with someone who is HCP. What works today may not work tomorrow and what is fine today may not be fine tomorrow...hence the constant dance.
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Old 10-30-2012, 09:50 AM
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Originally Posted by MiViLaLoco View Post
I have an HCP-ex...who I manage to get along with, for the sake of our son, only because, like you, I never take the bait.

In my experience...the answer is no. You will always have to be the one to "manage" the relationship with them, otherwise it will escalate into nothing but conflict on every single thing.

As for the ridiculous accusation about your parenting. Mine does the same thing...however I now understand it comes from a place of "insecurity" in their own parenting abilities. As a result, he lashes out at me on occasion. Again, I just refuse to take the bait and calmly and business-like answer the actual intent of the email or text and ignore the rest.

Continue with the textbook replies...they serve very well and quickly shut them down.

In my case...when I keep it business-like and refuse to take the bait we get along very well. Then again...I keep any and all communication with him about our son. He and I do work well together as a team in this manner and I have learned that he rarely lashes out in person...it is generally via email or text.

Now that he is remarried I find things much easier. He has someone else to blame for all that is wrong in his world. My part is now just around our son...lol
I also am faced with the frustrating experience of interacting with a HCP. The first year was ideal and involved minimum conflict as we lived a two minute walk apart from each other. (50/50 physical custody, and joint decision making. Our kids found this ideal; and relations were amicable between my ex and myself.

HCP behaviour was manageable in year following physical separation, and although my ex refused to sign the final, final SA, we interacted with minimal tension. The bf entered the picture, and my ex and her bf moved a half hour away: from the kids' school zone. I approached her prior to the move to stress the impact this would have on our children, however, it was a done deal, and she assured me she would take care of all driving.

Recently, my ex served me with court documentation requesting sole physical custody and sole decision making for our children; contrary to status quo 50/50 and joint decision making of past 14 months. She originally agreed, then disagreed to counselling for our kids (to deal with their impact of separation). Now she indicated she would like our kids to see a consellor (on her terms/control).

Sadly, she has an ulterior motive, and views the counselling as a proactive means to further her own interests - supporting her position. Crazy not putting your kids' mental health first, but as has been said, HCP actually believe the bullshit they preach, and the world should accommodate and change for them. (Twisted mindset of my HCP/ex: "I move 1/2 hr. away from kids' rooted community, and because I'm a great parent, and the OP is not; I should therefore have sole physical custody of kids and sole decision making.")

I agree that we likely cannot change HCP. However, we can change the way we react to their irrational behaviour. By being mature and responsible parents, and not getting drawn into their childish responses/actions; we are effectively taking the proper high road for our children, and over time, ideally calming the situation. HCP love drama, and thrive on it: this is their comfort area.
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Old 10-30-2012, 09:59 AM
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Btw...my ex is way more HCP in other areas of his life...areas I'm no longer a part of...thank goodness. I am also very thankful that he is less HCP when it comes to raising our son...for the most part.

When he is going through one of his moments...I often ask myself is this a small battle or a war? I'm prepared to lose a few small battles as long as I win the war. So really it is about me keeping my eye on the big picture of raising our child and not getting bogged down in the day-to-day (means little in the long run) stuff. My ex HCP often gets stuck in the small stuff...so with this in mind it is easy to deal with.
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Old 10-30-2012, 10:02 AM
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I find with HCP its not just drama...its the poor mes.The never ending whining and wailing and blaming over ALL the shit they did!!!Its bad enough getting blamed for the weather but getting blamed for terrible things they dreamt up and did for their own benefit nobody else’s, is ridiculous.Although getting blamed for the weather is pretty bad too!
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Old 10-30-2012, 10:37 AM
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As I like to put it...my ex may want to ride the Crazy Train to Batshit Insanity, but the only one that can force me to buy a ticket is me. Since I adamantly refuse to do so, she gets to take that trip alone.

Drives her beyond nuts that I don't engage her, and the few times I do feel the need to respond (usually because of some off the wall accusation) I usually have more than enough evidence of crazy to make her back off.
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Old 10-30-2012, 10:47 AM
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Whenever I hear more of the insanity, this pic always reminds me of my stbx
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File Type: jpeg mind wander.jpeg (8.6 KB, 7 views)
  #18 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2012, 10:56 AM
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Originally Posted by NBDad View Post
As I like to put it...my ex may want to ride the Crazy Train to Batshit Insanity, but the only one that can force me to buy a ticket is me. Since I adamantly refuse to do so, she gets to take that trip alone.

Drives her beyond nuts that I don't engage her, and the few times I do feel the need to respond (usually because of some off the wall accusation) I usually have more than enough evidence of crazy to make her back off.
Eloquently said. We all have a choice...and you have made yours.

Necessary negative energy and legal expense: my HCP served me with several motions (including divorce, physical custody of our kids, restraining order (as I am abusive???) and others: which included an emotionally charged (unsubstantiated/not factual) 2 pages of Sworn Avidavit.

I hired a lawyer to assist me in preparing a response and to systematically refute each point made on the affidavit. Negative energy and expense? Yes. Necessary to defend oneself: Yes. Responding to craziness and emotion: Yes.

After having dealt with several off the wall actions of a HCP in the past 2 months, I fully realize that it is I who must stay the course, not be distracted by craziness. The court and my children will pass judgment on the respective parents' actions and decisions. Credibility of parents' actions/behaviour will be assessed upon reviewing each incident.

Maturity and "responsible parent" are proven through actions, or not..in the case of HCP.
  #19 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2012, 11:01 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MiViLaLoco View Post
Unevenplayinggroung...I think you are on the right track when you say you need to find the right "key" that works for your HCP.

In my case we have 50/50 so neither of us is a "gatekeeper". I also work hard to let everyone know (from school to extra cirricular) that they need to give information to both of us. I continually follow-up on this...especially with the school. There is nothing that will send my ex HCP over the edge faster than me asking him for information I can get on my own. I don't know why...but it is definitely one of his "buttons"...so I don't push it.

I quickly learned that logic and expecting to be treated like we treat them rarely applies when dealing with someone who is HCP. What works today may not work tomorrow and what is fine today may not be fine tomorrow...hence the constant dance.
So true, thanks for your advice btw!
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