Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce Support

Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #1 (permalink)  
Old 10-29-2012, 07:27 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 40
Abeona is on a distinguished road
Default Do HCPs ever give up?

Does anyone have an HCP-ex who eventually came around and started acting reasonably? Or at least writing reasonable emails?

My ex and I only communicate through email, but every single email he sends is really aggressive and 9/10 times includes some kind of ridiculous accusation about my parenting.

I've read the book about BIFF responses (Thanks Tayken!) and have been sending text book replies, but I'm just baffled at how my ex can't see what his emails would look like if a judge read them. What is the purpose of these emails, other than to start an argument? (which I've never taken the bait for)

I'm going on two years of this and just can't believe he hasn't given up yet.
  #2 (permalink)  
Old 10-29-2012, 08:47 PM
MiViLaLoco's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 117
MiViLaLoco is on a distinguished road
Default

I have an HCP-ex...who I manage to get along with, for the sake of our son, only because, like you, I never take the bait.

In my experience...the answer is no. You will always have to be the one to "manage" the relationship with them, otherwise it will escalate into nothing but conflict on every single thing.

As for the ridiculous accusation about your parenting. Mine does the same thing...however I now understand it comes from a place of "insecurity" in their own parenting abilities. As a result, he lashes out at me on occasion. Again, I just refuse to take the bait and calmly and business-like answer the actual intent of the email or text and ignore the rest.

Continue with the textbook replies...they serve very well and quickly shut them down.

In my case...when I keep it business-like and refuse to take the bait we get along very well. Then again...I keep any and all communication with him about our son. He and I do work well together as a team in this manner and I have learned that he rarely lashes out in person...it is generally via email or text.

Now that he is remarried I find things much easier. He has someone else to blame for all that is wrong in his world. My part is now just around our son...lol
  #3 (permalink)  
Old 10-29-2012, 08:59 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 40
Abeona is on a distinguished road
Default

The insecurity seems to be the case here too. In the latest email he told me he yelled at the kids at different times over the weekend and then goes on to tell me I have no parenting skills and don't discipline them. He was probably worried the kids were going to tell me they'd been yelled at.

It's like he's worried that if he doesn't jump all over me about every little thing I might do it to him, and frankly I don't have the time or desire to!

I thought my ex would get better once he had a new relationship, but that hasn't been the case. And his poor gf looks worn out every time I see her. Really sad, because she's actually pretty nice. I imagine she's getting the blame for everything but the kids' behaviour
  #4 (permalink)  
Old 10-29-2012, 09:14 PM
MiViLaLoco's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 117
MiViLaLoco is on a distinguished road
Default

That is exactly what happens in our case too. I just roll my eyes...thank him for the helpful observations...and keep on with my day.

Every now and then...when it is getting to be too much...I will initiate a sit-down to go over the rules and expectations at both homes. I find this helps a great deal...because it takes away his ammunition so to speak.

I knew, when we separated, that the raising of our son together was going to be a constant dance because of his HCP. However, I don't regreat for a second that I no longer am subjected to the accusations "verbally in person". Instead they are via text and email...and can easily be ignored and flushed for what they are...nothing.
  #5 (permalink)  
Old 10-29-2012, 09:22 PM
MiViLaLoco's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 117
MiViLaLoco is on a distinguished road
Default

BTW...I find saying "think your your helpful observations in the way in which we should be parenting our child"...to be very effective in shutting him down immediately. Because I use the term "we" it means I'm not conceeding that he is right and that I am the only one at fault. He can't very well argue his own observation...so nothing more is usually said.
  #6 (permalink)  
Old 10-29-2012, 09:34 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 40
Abeona is on a distinguished road
Default

I like that one a lot! I have a little notebook with phrases I've learned in William Eddy's books and others about dealing with disordered people. I'll have to add yours. It makes it easy to find the right way to communicate with him quickly. My partner calls it my english to douche dictionary
  #7 (permalink)  
Old 10-29-2012, 10:42 PM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 363
Unevenplayingground is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MiViLaLoco View Post
BTW...I find saying "think your your helpful observations in the way in which we should be parenting our child"...to be very effective in shutting him down immediately. Because I use the term "we" it means I'm not conceeding that he is right and that I am the only one at fault. He can't very well argue his own observation...so nothing more is usually said.
My husband does that with his ex, she is extremely hc. It doesn't work, he even tried getting her to do the ourfamilywizard programs, Tayken had recommended it, she flat out refused.

What other things have you tried? We find with her, it doesn't matter, you could tell her she was the best mom in the world and she will tear into him. When is comes to sharing things that are going on their child's life, she will not tell him, and she will tell their son not to tell him. The sad thing is, the son and his ex will tell my husband's mother. Right now his son is being bullied (this one kids has been bullying him for several years now) and his son and ex have told my husband's mom, but when my husband asks his son, he says no??? My husband can't come right out and say his mother told him. His ex told his mother she doesn't tell him because he blames her for everything. It just doesn't even make sense. What do you do in situations like that?

If he confronts the mother she will freak, and he was told in confidence. He did call the school today to try and find out what is going on, but of course waiting for a call back.

Sorry I don't mean to steal the op's thread, I was just curious how anybody deals with that sort of thing.
  #8 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2012, 01:28 AM
MiViLaLoco's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 117
MiViLaLoco is on a distinguished road
Default

Well...in my case...even though he is HCP...he will, when given time and handled the right way, always do what is in the best interest of our child.

When we first separated his lawyer told him he'd only get one night a week and every other weekend with our child. He was literally in tears when I told him he was leaving me, not our child, and he'd be a parent 50% of the time. This pretty much cemented our working relationship for co-parenting. We continue to work closely on the rules and expectations at both homes...so child has stability at both homes.

It is far from easy with him being HCP. However...he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt I will always put our child first...and expect no less from him. I also don't make any demands on his parenting time...or expect things to be a "certain way".

This is the foundation that works for us. ...and it works, to a great deal, because I have worked with a therapist to educate myself in how to handle him the best way...that in turn, benefits all of us. He will never change...so it is up to me to make this work.
  #9 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2012, 01:43 AM
arabian's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Western Canada
Posts: 9,849
arabian will become famous soon enough
Default

Abeona: not in my case. Just last month I thought he was going to be reasonable and stop his senseless legal action. All it turned out to be was him trying to catch me off guard and agree to something. So we're back to using lawyers. Ridiculous.

I truly believe the HCP's believe their own bullshit and is why they are like they are.
  #10 (permalink)  
Old 10-30-2012, 09:01 AM
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 363
Unevenplayingground is on a distinguished road
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by MiViLaLoco View Post
Well...in my case...even though he is HCP...he will, when given time and handled the right way, always do what is in the best interest of our child.

When we first separated his lawyer told him he'd only get one night a week and every other weekend with our child. He was literally in tears when I told him he was leaving me, not our child, and he'd be a parent 50% of the time. This pretty much cemented our working relationship for co-parenting. We continue to work closely on the rules and expectations at both homes...so child has stability at both homes.

It is far from easy with him being HCP. However...he knows beyond a shadow of a doubt I will always put our child first...and expect no less from him. I also don't make any demands on his parenting time...or expect things to be a "certain way".

This is the foundation that works for us. ...and it works, to a great deal, because I have worked with a therapist to educate myself in how to handle him the best way...that in turn, benefits all of us. He will never change...so it is up to me to make this work.
Maybe that is something we need to look at, the therapist. It doesn't seem to matter how you approach her, even if words it "we", nothing works with her, well no approach he has used so far. He can send her flight info, or send an email with what he got their son for Christmas, but if he asks anything important, like how is he doing at school, it turns into a nightmare. He usually gets told it is not her problem to inform him of these things. It is to bad the best interests of the child angle doesn't work for her, but glad it works for you! We will find something, just haven't found the key yet.
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On


Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Dealing with Exes with Personality Disorders Pursuinghappiness Divorce & Family Law 30 01-10-2012 10:33 PM
ex refuses to give medication red6419 Parenting Issues 5 07-31-2010 12:21 AM
Books to give ex and/or suggestions to deal with this? mom2three Parenting Issues 12 05-23-2010 04:01 PM
Give up and cut my losses Rhonda&Kids Divorce & Family Law 13 05-20-2010 01:39 PM
Should I give up? singledad99 Divorce Support 7 03-22-2009 07:14 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 03:41 PM.