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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 12-13-2005, 03:19 PM
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Default Do ebooks really work ?

Not knocking them at all, but i believe you live and learn and a book no matter who it's written by doesn't have all the answers. To me, you should look back in your marrriage or relationship and see if ther were warning signs or red flags that signaled something was wrong that you may have ignored that led to the break down of things. Whether its a spouse who drinks , has a drug problem , gambles or is physically, verbally , or mentally abusive .

Things were'nt always bad in marriages, they're nice when they start off .Things gotten bad because whatever the problem, it was allowed to continue instead of solved when it happened.

Look inside yourself, see what you did or are doing that hurts the marriage or realtionship and make changes to yourself it you want it to work. If your partner doesnt want it to work , then you have to move on.

I have been through 2 horrible marriages and it's been 2 years since i have been in a relationship and i am more happy now then i have been almost my whole life. My solution didnt come from reading a book, but by doing soul searching and working on myself and admitting my mistakes and flaws and working on them to make me a better person in life and making sure i am prepared in my next relationship.
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Old 12-13-2005, 03:44 PM
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yup.I keep hearing this too,from others who have survived. It is a real good idea to do soul searching before you try to rebound with someone else. you really need time to reflect,regroup and lick your wounds before opening up to new possibilities in my opinion. Easier said than done I am sure.
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Old 12-13-2005, 06:21 PM
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What am I searching my soul for?
I started searching for an answer and found out a bunch of things I didn't ever want to hear.
Is it okay for you wife to start and maintain secret relationships with other men behind your back?
Even if she is not necessarly cheating...if she's doing this what else is she doing
This same thing happen a year after we first met.
I couldn't handle it....it is deceetful and just plain wrong.
Then I broke up with her. That tore a hole in my heart but I felt it was the best thing to do at the time.
I chalked it up as her being immature and too young, bout a year and a half later we ended up back together again.
I started searching for an answer..... a little while back all the signs were there again.
The biggest trigger was my wife persistance to try and find something on me that would tell her I was the one cheating.
Over the past six months shes done everything under the sun to find proof that I was the one cheating. Acusation after acusation all the while I'm trying to defend myself. I even admitted to things she has acused me of the I wasn't even guilty of in efforts to seek forgiveness and try and put it behind us.
She tore my life apart looking for an answer but yet has no proof. She will never find any either.......I doesn't exist.
I love her and only her.
I feel like I'm dying I hurt so bad.....
Just wish it would go away.....
Why do I look within...I know the mistakes I've made.
I have begged for forgiveness.
I wanted to go with her to councelling.
I know the mistakes I've made.
I just wanted her to see it's not all my fault.
Still last Saturday she told me again....it because of the things that I've done....So what does a man do?
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Old 12-13-2005, 10:56 PM
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she's obviously playing mind games. Remember the old saying that when you point your finger at someone there's always three pointing back--that's emotional abuse. Although women abuse it wel known in our society, it's terrible that male abuse is not viewed with as much disgust; abuse is abuse
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Old 12-13-2005, 10:57 PM
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It took me several months to figure this out but it really isn't so much about the things you did - all people can forgive if they see a person is willing. She is hanging on to the idea that it was all "you" so that she can justify her actions and look herself in the mirror everyday. She plays the "it wasn't my fault - he made me do it" routine over and over again in her head. She may not even understand why she feels the way she does and this scares her. I wonder what her childhood was like...I believe this has a huge impact on how we deal with this stuff as an adult. My husband was neglected and abused and I know this is having a significant impact on him now - he withdraws the way a child does when they are rejected/criticized.
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Old 12-14-2005, 01:27 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chopper
What am I searching my soul for?
I started searching for an answer and found out a bunch of things I didn't ever want to hear.
Is it okay for you wife to start and maintain secret relationships with other men behind your back?
Even if she is not necessarly cheating...if she's doing this what else is she doing.
Soul searching is looking inside yourself to see if you made any mistakes.
It is not ok for your wife to have relationships on the side.That right there is a red flag and shows she cant be trusted...Your'e hurt and it's normal to hurt but in all actuallity love shouldn't hurt , love is about happiness.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chopper
This same thing happen a year after we first met.
I couldn't handle it....it is deceetful and just plain wrong.
Then I broke up with her. That tore a hole in my heart but I felt it was the best thing to do at the time.
I chalked it up as her being immature and too young, bout a year and a half later we ended up back together again..
The one time she cheated after a year and a half would have been enough for me. That there is a HUGE red flag that should have went up.Some people who cheat, do change in time ,but then there are others that if you forgive them and accept them back, you set yourself up to be a target for them to do it again
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chopper
The biggest trigger was my wife persistance to try and find something on me that would tell her I was the one cheating.
Over the past six months shes done everything under the sun to find proof that I was the one cheating. Acusation after acusation all the while I'm trying to defend myself. I even admitted to things she has acused me of the I wasn't even guilty of in efforts to seek forgiveness and try and put it behind us...
Usually when a person cheats , they try and set it up so that it looks as if you are cheating as well, so they wont feel guilty. I was in a situation like that. But i DID NOT give in and admit to something i didnt do.
...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chopper
Why do I look within...I know the mistakes I've made.
I have begged for forgiveness.
I wanted to go with her to councelling.
I know the mistakes I've made.
I just wanted her to see it's not all my fault.
Still last Saturday she told me again....it because of the things that I've done....So what does a man do?
Once trust is broken it's hard to get that back, whether its your fault or her fault. No ammount of counseling can make someone trust you. That has to come from within that individual.Judging by your statements she has faults as well and seems to be focusiing on yours and not hers...What's a man to do ?
Well ,put it this way, If it hurts, it's not love. Love is two people who have a common bond ,who admire, respect and protect one another and each other feelings.Most of all, love comes from within. Ask yourself do you want to be miserable and stressed all the time over this, or do you want to move on, focus on yourself ,and be happy . I choose to be happy, and i am.
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Old 12-14-2005, 10:17 AM
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Excellent post DJ!

And an eye opener too. My thing is that my ex tells me how much he loves me and he wants me back blah blah blah. But if I were to want that back (which a cold day in hell would not make me want that) then I am to follow his conditions.
For me, love has no conditions, meaning that you fall in love with a person for them, not a person that you see as someone or something else. The MAN I am seeing is like that. He loves me for the good, bad, and ugly. And I him for the same. I trust him with my whole heart, and he feels the same. We earned that over time from each other, it was not just given or expected.
He is my best friend, and I believe that when and if we make the decision to take it to the next step it will be because it is meant to be. The best relationships, the ones that last for the duration, are the ones that start as friendships. We both know that we can depend on each other for anything. And he has said that when he does not see me for a couple of days "his heart hurts". I feel the same way.
When we argue about something, the way we deal with it makes us stronger. We don't hold grudges, and we never bring it back up later on. I give him the time he needs to grow and he does the same for me. We are together but know that we are individual too. We do not have to be around each other 24-7 to feel the trust. We have that because we give each other our time and respect it for what it is.
I don't believe that love works when forced, it just happens, and that is the way it should be. Just my opinion.
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Old 12-14-2005, 11:31 AM
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Default Love just happens

Lisa,

You are correct. When in LOVE, things just seem to happen effortlessly. That's the ironic part. Mother nature gives you a two year lease on LOVE, after that, couples are on their own.

Thats why it is important to educate onself about what makes relationships work and the pitfalls to avoid.

Let's hope we all have learned from our past experiences and that these experiences will help to make a brighter future for ourselves.

I'm glad you've found a new LOVE ... I'm sure many can relate to that period of time in their lives. Enjoy EVERY second of it!

Hubby
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