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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 01-25-2014, 08:52 AM
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Default Divorcing A High-Conflict Personality

Virginia Gilbert, MFT: What Therapists Don't Tell You About Divorcing A High-Conflict Personality

''While your gut reaction might be to defend yourself, you cannot reason with a terrorist. Anything you say can and will be used against you. To mitigate the chaos caused by a high-conflict personality, you must keep communication to a minimum."

It's only natural to want to settle things asap for the sake of our children and our own wellness - with the overwhelming need to 'fix' whatever hiders that goal. When that 'whatever' just happens to be our HC ex spouse - less is definitely better!
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Old 01-25-2014, 11:04 AM
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Another "must read" is Splitting, by Bill Eddy.


http://www.amazon.ca/Splitting-Prote.../dp/1608820254


This book can be very helpful at identifying and preparing for the high conflict attacks brought on by divorcing a HCP. It can also be useful to help those who are moderately self-aware, to watch for their own actions and responses, that may be considered HC, or further instigate the HCP other party.

Bill Eddy has a few other books that, IMO, are must reads as well, if you are in a HC situation.
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Old 01-25-2014, 01:45 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janibel View Post
Virginia Gilbert, MFT: What Therapists Don't Tell You About Divorcing A High-Conflict Personality

''While your gut reaction might be to defend yourself, you cannot reason with a terrorist. Anything you say can and will be used against you. To mitigate the chaos caused by a high-conflict personality, you must keep communication to a minimum."

It's only natural to want to settle things asap for the sake of our children and our own wellness - with the overwhelming need to 'fix' whatever hiders that goal. When that 'whatever' just happens to be our HC ex spouse - less is definitely better!
I found the part about not co-parenting extremely interesting. This was my reason for wanting sole custody all those years ago. This isn't the preference in family law though, is it? The preference is to force the already victimized ex of a HCP to be further victimized through forced "co-parenting".
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Old 01-25-2014, 01:55 PM
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family court focus primary on the child/ren irrelevant of what one party wants. There is a reason the "Maximum contact" rule exists...at the end of the day, a child should not be denied access to both parents, just because one party thinks they know best.

"Best Interest of the child"

Last edited by FWB; 01-25-2014 at 02:07 PM.
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Old 01-25-2014, 01:58 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FWB View Post
family court focus primary on the child/ren irrelevant of what one party wants. There is a reason the "Maximum contact" rule exists...at the end of the day, a child should not be denied access to both parents, just because one party thinks they know best.

"Whose Best Interest"
Sole custody isn't about denying access. I think you need to re-read some of your materials.

Sole custody is about keeping the need to communicate between the two adult parties to a complete minimum. Why? Because HCP do whatever it takes to be HCP - including ignoring basic parenting responsibilities like consenting to travel and submitting medical receipts to insurers.
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Old 01-25-2014, 02:06 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MS Mom View Post
Sole custody isn't about denying access. I think you need to re-read some of your materials.

Sole custody is about keeping the need to communicate between the two adult parties to a complete minimum. Why? Because HCP do whatever it takes to be HCP - including ignoring basic parenting responsibilities like consenting to travel and submitting medical receipts to insurers.
Perhaps you ought to be clear in your posts? I know what Sole custody, but based on what you said here....
Quote:
I found the part about not co-parenting extremely interesting. This was my reason for wanting sole custody all those years ago.
You pretty much make it sound like you want to make all the decisions? If this is not the case....then clarify please.

Quote:
Because HCP do whatever it takes to be HCP
It's easy for anyone to label the other party "HCP", one person's HCP, is another person's normal. Just saying, not making arguments
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Old 01-25-2014, 02:10 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by FWB View Post
Perhaps you ought to be clear in your posts? I know what Sole custody, but based on what you said here....


You pretty much make it sound like you want to make all the decisions? If this is not the case....then clarify please.



It's easy for anyone to label the other party "HCP", one person's HCP, is another person's normal. Just saying, not making arguments
I have to make all the decisions since he pissed off to another country and hasn't seen his kid in two years. So, what's your point?

It's very easy to label someone HCP when they behave in a highly conflicted manner. Like making senseless arguments with people on public forums to increase their own sense of worth.
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Old 01-25-2014, 02:14 PM
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Here we go.....not what you wanted to hence, so we are now throwing toys out of the pram.

It was just my opinion, and I didn't insult in my post
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Old 01-25-2014, 02:16 PM
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Here we go.....not what you wanted to hence, so we are now throwing toys out of the pram.

It was just my opinion, and I didn't insult in my post
Listen. Do me one big huge massive favour. Ignore me. Put me on IGNORE and I'll do the same.
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Old 01-25-2014, 02:22 PM
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^^My first response was not even directed at you, but somehow you took the liberty of taking it upon yourself

Note: The starting a sentence saying "Listen", comes across as controlling, it's akin to wagging a finger at someone. Just saying
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