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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 04-02-2014, 10:48 AM
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Default Divorce related question - family living in extended family scenario with in-laws. th

Hello. Asking for my friend. She has been married for over 15 years, has 2 kids. This is a traditional Indian extended family set up where she lives with the inlaws. The inlaws own a large house lots of other property have great jobs and lots of money. They have all lived in the same house from the start of the marriage. Their marriage has been declining for years and is now at the point where lawyers are involved to get legal separation underway and eventually divorce. He said to her, I will help you find a place and get you moved in, she consulted a lawyer who stated that she needs to remain in that house until all agreements, money, kids property is worked out unless she is in any danger. Kids are still minors. Her lawyer has said she has to remain in the house until an agreement on custody of the kids is reached. She is safe in the house and has moved to the guest room but No one talks to each other and it is very uncomfortable. He is hiding his money and finances and trying to delay an attempt at negotiation. My friend wants to move this along but doesn't want to jeopardize her position. She wants to have the kids at least 60% and whatever money is right fully hers. It has been 3 months now her lawyer has been waiting for his lawyers to submit his financials. Any advice we can get please?
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Old 04-02-2014, 11:49 AM
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The main problem with leaving the house before a custody agreement is signed is that you can't take the kids with you. Which generally leads to setting up a status quo of not having much time with the kids, which ultimately leads to a poor access arrangement when the custody agreement is finally signed.

If the ex-husband is willing to do the custody/access part of the agreement and start paying appropriate CS immediately, she could move out, but from what you describe of his behaviour, it seems unlikely. Without financial disclosure, she's not going to have proper equalization to have money to start over with, no guarantee she'll be receiving appropriate CS, and little chance of fair SS either (I am guessing she doesn't work by your description of 'traditional' family).

Why does she want the kids at least 60% of the time? The only reason to do that is to be greedy for CS money.

Also, it sounds like her ex's parents are quite wealthy, but this might not translate to her ex being wealthy himself. If his name isn't on the title for the home they live in, there's no matrimonial home to divide.

If she wants his financial disclosure, she's going to have to get her lawyer to start exerting some pressure. Get a court date at which a judge can order him to disclose. She could also try looking around the house for his financial documentation to try to prepare his disclosure herself.
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Old 04-02-2014, 12:02 PM
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Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
The main problem with leaving the house before a custody agreement is signed is that you can't take the kids with you. Which generally leads to setting up a status quo of not having much time with the kids, which ultimately leads to a poor access arrangement when the custody agreement is finally signed.

If the ex-husband is willing to do the custody/access part of the agreement and start paying appropriate CS immediately, she could move out, but from what you describe of his behaviour, it seems unlikely. Without financial disclosure, she's not going to have proper equalization to have money to start over with, no guarantee she'll be receiving appropriate CS, and little chance of fair SS either (I am guessing she doesn't work by your description of 'traditional' family).

Why does she want the kids at least 60% of the time? The only reason to do that is to be greedy for CS money.

Also, it sounds like her ex's parents are quite wealthy, but this might not translate to her ex being wealthy himself. If his name isn't on the title for the home they live in, there's no matrimonial home to divide.

If she wants his financial disclosure, she's going to have to get her lawyer to start exerting some pressure. Get a court date at which a judge can order him to disclose. She could also try looking around the house for his financial documentation to try to prepare his disclosure herself.
Yup sounds like greed.

You should tell her that 50/50 is in the best interest of the children and that's what the courts will make the decision based on.

Does she work?
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Old 04-02-2014, 03:38 PM
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I would suggest that your friend stay where she is until a proper separation agreement is signed. It may be uncomfortable (get used to it, divorce is extremely uncomfortable and may take years) but in light of the situation it would be best for all concerned. Same thing for 50/50 custody - best for the children to have access with both parents.

She is not in any danger and having the extended family close-by will help the children during this difficult transition period.
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Old 04-02-2014, 05:52 PM
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Might not be her choice to stay....it isn't her house from the sounds of it. Not even the matrimonial home given no ownership by her or hubby?

50/50 is best.

She likely doesn't work and likely no skills if this is a traditional Indian arrangement...
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Old 04-02-2014, 07:19 PM
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The attached is a recent case from B.C. regarding a traditional Indian marriage/divorce:

Rana v. Rana, 2014 BCSC 530 (CanLII), <http://canlii.ca/t/g6bw

We're in Canada. If she wants to move out she can go get help to do this. Perhaps if she goes to social services agency the family will be shamed into putting pressure on her husband to accept his financial responsibilities according to Canadian law.

No one should have to stay in a situation which is intolerable just to keep the lawyers happy. If she has a half decent lawyer he would get an Interim Order for immediate support for her to be able to move into her own place.
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Old 04-02-2014, 08:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
Why does she want the kids at least 60% of the time? The only reason to do that is to be greedy for CS money.
Quote:
You should tell her that 50/50 is in the best interest of the children and that's what the courts will make the decision based on.
poppycock. I can think of a gadzillion reasons why 50-50 isn't always in the best interests of the child in every relationship that is dissolving. Nor is it what the courts make the decision based on.
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Old 04-02-2014, 08:59 PM
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poppycock. I can think of a gadzillion reasons why 50-50 isn't always in the best interests of the child in every relationship that is dissolving. Nor is it what the courts make the decision based on.
And I can think of a gadzillion reasons why an equal, shared parenting arrangement is more often than not in the children's best interests, and should be the starting point in negotiating any parenting arrangement. This is especially true when the children have formed a primary bond to both parents.
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Old 04-02-2014, 09:15 PM
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poppycock. I can think of a gadzillion reasons why 50-50 isn't always in the best interests of the child in every relationship that is dissolving. Nor is it what the courts make the decision based on.
I would normally agree with you that it's best left to each situation. But the way the woman in question zeroed in on the exact magic 60% figure for table CS makes me pretty sure greed is the motivation in this case.

Frankly, on my quick read of this situation, I think the best interest of the children would be to spend most of their time living in their existing house with their father and extended family than be abruptly yanked out of it to a small home with just their mother. They can transition slowly to a 50-50 arrangement over time once they adjust to the idea of their parents separating. But it's not politically correct to suggest that.
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Old 04-03-2014, 06:38 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
I would normally agree with you that it's best left to each situation. But the way the woman in question zeroed in on the exact magic 60% figure for table CS makes me pretty sure greed is the motivation in this case.

Frankly, on my quick read of this situation, I think the best interest of the children would be to spend most of their time living in their existing house with their father and extended family than be abruptly yanked out of it to a small home with just their mother. They can transition slowly to a 50-50 arrangement over time once they adjust to the idea of their parents separating. But it's not politically correct to suggest that.
I agree with everything you said. The magical 60% means that the woman knows that in order to get the most from the ex that she needs that percentage.

Giving the kids time to get use to the whole idea and the change in lifestyle is a good idea. Make it easier on them.
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