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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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  #11 (permalink)  
Old 01-29-2014, 08:45 AM
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Quote from the article that I thought was very important (and expressed by a Justice in case law):
It’s never too late to apologize.
From the Very Honourable Madame Justice Mossip:

Quote:
[78] If it can be of any assistance to the parties in the future, I do think at times there is too much communication between them especially, via e-mail and even the log book. Once something is in writing, and the “send” button is pressed, the words cannot be taken back. Sometimes, a quick phone call, or a conversation in person would be less wearisome than lengthy e-mails expressing more than is necessary about the point at issue. I dare say, each of the parties could use a “tune-up” to make sure there are no individual issues that are interfering with their ability to carry on forward in the healthiest way possible as to how they relate to each other, and which could perhaps be assisted with personal counselling. That effort would be a great gift to the_Child. I also know that unconditional apologies, accepting responsibility for harm done, go a long way in the healing process and may help these parties move on.
Van Rassel v. Van Rassel, 2008 CanLII 37217 (ON SC)
Date: 2008-07-23
Docket: FS-06-04395-00
Parallel citations: 61 RFL (6th) 343
URL: CanLII - 2008 CanLII 37217 (ON SC)
Citation: Van Rassel v. Van Rassel, 2008 CanLII 37217 (ON SC)

Something to ponder...

Good Luck!
Tayken
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  #12 (permalink)  
Old 01-30-2014, 01:34 PM
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Being able to apologize is freedom, relieves you from the pressure of always having to be right and accepting that you have and will make mistakes, it's wonderful.
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Old 02-02-2014, 11:34 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
Being able to apologize is freedom, relieves you from the pressure of always having to be right and accepting that you have and will make mistakes, it's wonderful.
That's the truth of it, regardless of what lead to the divorce, both parties contributed to the pandemonium. Forgiving the Ex is one thing - forgiving ourselves is just as important and I agree with ^^^ it is liberating.
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Old 02-03-2014, 03:14 PM
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Unfortunately, depending on who you're dealing with, apologizing may not always be the best thing to do. If you're dealing within someone who engages in "splitting", an apology is taken as evidence that you have come to agree with them and you recognize that you are completely wrong in every way.

I made the mistake of apologizing to the ex for a mistake on my part - renewing our daughter's gymnastics classes without checking with him first - and got a series of tirades along the lines of how it's about time I recognized my disgusting controlling behavior and that this was just one symptom of what a terrible human being I am. To me, an apology was an acknowledgement that I made a mistake, and won't do it again; to him, it was vindication that I really am as horrific as he wants to believe me to be.

So no more apologies, no more signs of anything that could be taken as weakness. This doesn't sit entirely right with me, as I don't believe that I'm infallible and will never make mistakes, but I don't think I'm dealing with someone who can accept an apology for what it is.
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Old 02-03-2014, 03:17 PM
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Okay, just reread the original post, and it's talking about apologies for what went wrong in the marriage, not the post-marriage issues.

In many ways, I would like to be able to apologize for what I think I contributed to the failure of our marriage - I know there are things I wish I had done differently and things that hurt him, even though I didn't realize it at the time. But I don't think I ever will, for the reasons in my post above. Similarly, even if the ex were to offer some sort of apology, I don't think I would believe him. Maybe ten years from now we can have that kind of honest conversation.
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Old 02-03-2014, 03:39 PM
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My take on it is this: I have forgiven him as well as myself for the many mistakes we both made during the course of our marriage. No way would I ever offer him an apology as any sign of (perceived) weakness on my part would be used against me - knowing the way his mind works.

It would be awesome to be able to sit down calmly with my son's father and each of us would unburden our hearts and wish each other a happy future - though if he were able to behave in that way, chances are we could have salvaged the relationship from the get go.
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Old 02-03-2014, 04:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stripes View Post
Unfortunately, depending on who you're dealing with, apologizing may not always be the best thing to do. If you're dealing within someone who engages in "splitting", an apology is taken as evidence that you have come to agree with them and you recognize that you are completely wrong in every way.
I agree. That has been my sad experience too.

The only apology that I ever got from my ex was: "Sorry. I should have introduced you to him sooner."
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Old 02-03-2014, 04:11 PM
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My ex asked for forgiveness and offered it.

And then she turned around and continued to play me like a violin during our negotiations.

But that doesn't mean that it wasn't cathartic and the right thing to do to ask for and accept forgiveness.
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Old 02-03-2014, 10:11 PM
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The closest thing I ever got to an apology was "I handled it wrong." Is there a right way to handle infidelity?
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Old 02-03-2014, 10:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
The closest thing I ever got to an apology was "I handled it wrong." Is there a right way to handle infidelity?
Infidelity would not even be an issue if spouses were honest/secure enough to call it quits rather than trying to find a 'replacement' while still married?

It's incredibly selfish to keep pretending while 'shopping around'. That's unforgivable ... call me old-fashioned, wrong is wrong!
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