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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 11-21-2013, 10:56 PM
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Default Divorce is a Bitch

(I thought the title as fitting)


The FACT of the matter that has been proven over and over again is.
A) divorce screws up kids

Exact Claim: Generally, divorce has a negative impact on children the harm of divorce is OUTWEIGHED by remaining in a high conflict relationship.

proofs:
-http://www.hubbynet.com/savedmarriage.htm
-The key is based on the amato study (which is cited a lot on the internet and I haven't found anything shooting it down)
-read any part of this document, in almost every study and situation it says divorce has either a direct or indirect negative affect on children.
http://www.justice.gc.ca/eng/rp-pr/f...8_2/wd98_2.pdf whether due to economic factors, remarriage, worse parenting etc.... they try to identify EXACTLY why things are worse but the root is the divorce and all it symptoms..
-many bad ppl come from broken homes Children from broken homes 'nine times more likely to commit crimes' - Telegraph
-divorce vs crime-rate: Divorce: Ignoring the cost
-this is a meta study that I like and it shows there are differences again.
http://courses.washington.edu/pbafad..._Wellbeing.pdf
-there is also the cinderella effect

This doesnt mean every kid gets screwed up but they'll be worse off generally so don't think you are doing your kids any favors, generally you are hurting them or

B) a lot of ppl eventually regret divorce
C) a lot of ppl were happier before divorce
http://www.divorce.usu.edu/files/uploads/Lesson4.pdf

D) second marrriages fail more often than first
E) children of divorce are more likely to divorce
^ D & E are know statistics, I don't need to include them here do I


F) wallerstein stuff shows divorce to be the major negative incident in the life a person (even at 35yrs of age)
What I like a bout the wallerstein study is that it ASKS the kids how they felt which I think a lot of parents and studies don't do.
Pretty Good Summary
Judith Wallerstein and divorce: how one woman changed the way we think about breakups.

G) divorced children are on average worse in every measurement etc...
(see A) At best you can argue that its not too much of a hit but the reality is that it IS a hit.
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Old 11-21-2013, 10:59 PM
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Whether you divorce or not the key is to recognize the potentially devastating effect it has on your children and do your best to mitigate them.

I personally, do think ppl turn to divorce easily but the solution is just better education, better marriage support to help people have realistic expectations, helping everybody have better communication etc....
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Old 11-21-2013, 11:07 PM
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I totally agree with the statistics. The children are the biggest losers. I wish that spouses could be less selfish and more compromising and treated marriage with the respect that it deserves. Too bad the one person cannot make a marriage work. it takes two .
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Old 11-22-2013, 10:06 AM
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Divorces are individual experiences and people...even women...have the right to do it.

Links, you are one of those individuals that doesn't realize how transparent you are. You're so angry, bitter and resentful that you'll try any method to generalize everyone else's reality to fit your own version of reality. This mindset is going to handicap your ability to form normal relationships in the future so I would recommend you get some counselling to work through your issues.

People are individuals...they have individual experiences before, during and after divorce....and yes, divorce IS the best solution for some women AND their children. Get over it already.
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Old 11-22-2013, 10:21 AM
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I didn't initiate the divorce but perhaps I should have.

My kids could tell I wasn't happy. They never wanted us to get back together.
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Old 11-22-2013, 10:41 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
(I thought the title as fitting)
A better title might be Divorce is a bastard?

My strong belief in the institution of marriage kept me in an abusive one for over 27 years. After trying my best to make things work, I had to accept reality and move one. Of course it affected my S24 - he's relieved that I got out with my life. As stated above, it takes both partners to make it work and all the good intentions, therapy or mediation in the world can't fix crazy.

It's no use worrying about unfortunate events which have already happened and can't be changed ...
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Old 11-22-2013, 10:54 AM
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Quote:
My kids could tell I wasn't happy. They never wanted us to get back together.
Quote:
Of course it affected my S24 - he's relieved that I got out with my life.
This is the point my kids have gotten to. They're happy that I'm happy and really like my new partner. I think its hard to be a good mom, sister, daughter, friend, etc when you're in a bad marriage. It drains your ability to function. There's no doubt that I'm a much better version of myself these days.

The other phenomena that happens after divorce is that the kids see both parents more clearly. I realize that during marriage, I masked/covered for a lot of my ex's extremist behavior. I would smooth things over with his anger issues....when he'd scream at them, I'd jump in...I'd cover up for him with the kids on special occasions when he was too cheap and self-absorbed to prepare for an event or buy them anything, etc. Now without me covering for him, they get to see him for what he actually is. I can tell its been a real eye-opener for them. Frankly, its really nice that now my kids truly understand and appreciate the contributions that I make to their lives. My ex used to take credit for a lot of stuff he didn't do when we were married.
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Old 11-22-2013, 11:10 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
This is the point my kids have gotten to. They're happy that I'm happy and really like my new partner. I think its hard to be a good mom, sister, daughter, friend, etc when you're in a bad marriage. It drains your ability to function. There's no doubt that I'm a much better version of myself these days.

The other phenomena that happens after divorce is that the kids see both parents more clearly. I realize that during marriage, I masked/covered for a lot of my ex's extremist behavior. I would smooth things over with his anger issues....when he'd scream at them, I'd jump in...I'd cover up for him with the kids on special occasions when he was too cheap and self-absorbed to prepare for an event or buy them anything, etc. Now without me covering for him, they get to see him for what he actually is. I can tell its been a real eye-opener for them. Frankly, its really nice that now my kids truly understand and appreciate the contributions that I make to their lives. My ex used to take credit for a lot of stuff he didn't do when we were married.
I could not have explained it better myself. Without the 'sugar-coating' my son has had to deal with his father au naturel. Same goes for my Ex's own family - they can clearly see the extent of his aggressive behavior now that I am no longer there to calm him down ... the buffer-effect is gone and the negativity is undiluted.
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Old 11-22-2013, 11:24 AM
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My adult son definitely has a clear view on our marriage/divorce and aftermath. Despite my encouraging him to contact his father he says he can't get himself to contact him because of what my ex did to me and continues to do to me through endless, vicious litigation.

I am saddened that we divorced and how it led to destruction of our family unit and how it severed old relationships. However, I am hopeful that the future will be enriched with new friends and experiences.

Contrary to what other people have said, I don't think people take divorce lightly and do it on a whim. It is a very emotional and financial devastation that many never recover from.
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Old 11-22-2013, 12:13 PM
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People asked me for statistics and evidence, I provided. I've said repeteadly that its a personal decision, experience and outcome but the facts are the facts about what divorce does on a societal level.

Does it/did it do it you is a whole another question.
Also, is the ALTERNATIVE better/worse - really a case by case basis.

I expected people to provide non-anecdotal counter points....
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