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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

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Old 10-17-2016, 11:26 AM
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Default Death of an ex family member

My partner is in a difficult emotional conundrum. A family member of his ex passed away on the weekend. My partner had a great deal of respect and love for this person. His kid has already called and pulled her "don't show up, we don't want any drama" crap. His ex has also called to let him know but said nothing about him not going. He's worried about upset, drama, difficulty, comments etc. I keep telling him he should do what HE wants and how HE feels. If he's not comfortable, send condolences, if he wants to go, go.

Anyone have this experience?
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Old 10-17-2016, 12:20 PM
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Been there. If he has a civil relationship with the spoise or immediate family of the deceased he should go if he wants to, perhaps attend the wake at a time when it's unlikely the ex or children will be there. If not, a card and offering condolences and some notes about good memories of the deceased would be appropriate.
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Old 10-17-2016, 12:49 PM
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My ex-wife killed her dad (poor guy was one of the reasons I divorced my ex-wife) - I didn't want to end up like him....

My whole family attended, I could never look my kids in the eye if I hadn't attended. This was also just a few days before the divorce hearing, so a very tense time.

The right of dead is to have people come pay their respects.

I would tell my kid to STFU, that I am not a little boy to be told where to go and that I go where I please.
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Old 10-17-2016, 01:43 PM
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I'll like to think you don't use that kind of language with your kids

Quote:
Originally Posted by Links17 View Post
My ex-wife killed her dad (poor guy was one of the reasons I divorced my ex-wife) - I didn't want to end up like him....

My whole family attended, I could never look my kids in the eye if I hadn't attended. This was also just a few days before the divorce hearing, so a very tense time.

The right of dead is to have people come pay their respects.

I would tell my kid to STFU, that I am not a little boy to be told where to go and that I go where I please.
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Old 10-17-2016, 02:02 PM
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He would never let his kid tell him what to do. He told her that she doesn't get to dictate to him. A statement he has to keep making it seems.

He decided against going. Its an 8+ hour round trip. He's not on good terms with his ex and she will more than likely be getting a letter from his lawyer next month on a separate divorce related issue that has to be sent. His ex uses whatever situation is happening as a way to play the victim. If he goes, it gives her more ammo for him to be a heartless monster and her to be the poor pitiful victim. With the way his relationship with his kids is going, he would prefer to not rock the boat but thats not the main reason why he decided to stay home.

He's making the right choice. Its been seven years, he saw this person three years ago, they empowered several family members to hurt my partner. The past is past, he's moved on. He can provide emotional support to his kids if they want it. He doesn't need to be there to do it.
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Old 10-17-2016, 02:53 PM
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You just know his ex is going to spin it, whether he attends or not. If he goes, she gets to tell everyone what a jerk he is, he was told not to come but here he is anyway, how inappropriate to intrude on their grief etc. If he doesn't attend, she gets to tell everyone how cold he is, how he just wrote these people out of his life, doesn't care about their grief, isn't supporting his children, etc.

Since he's decided not to attend due to logistics as much as anything else, I would definitely send cards and maybe flowers or an appropriate charity donation, so that people know that he was thinking of them, etc, to try to mitigate his ex's spin on his absence.
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Old 10-17-2016, 03:54 PM
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He's sending a floral arrangement and making a donation.

He cant win no matter what he does so why do something that hurts him? You're right that it will be spun however they want to spin it.
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