Ottawa Divorce .com Forums


User CP

New posts

Advertising

  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Divorce Support

Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

Closed Thread
 
LinkBack Thread Tools
  #41 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2006, 02:52 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 34
In-Law Trouble is on a distinguished road
Unhappy I am back here..asking for advice

Hi All,

I am revisiting this website after quiet a leave of absence. Those of u still around on this website from earlier this year, are familiar with my situation. In the past 1 year quiet a few developments took place in my life, concerning my marriage and the surrounding issues in regard of it. Let me start of by letting u know of the events that occurred towards the end of last Jan. I went back to my husband and began living with him, back in my in-laws house. It was an extremely tough decision for me 2 make, 2 decide 2 go back into that house and live among them, after everything that I went through at their expense. My husband promised me that if I felt after living for 2 -3 months in the house with my in-laws that the situation was the same, he would then move out with me.
Thus, ultimately, I finally decided 2 go ahead with the decision and see where it takes me, at the same time fighting with my fears of doing so in the process.

Initially, it appeared that I had made the right decision. It appeared as if my in-laws really did end up learning a lesson from all that happened in the course of those 5 months that we were separated and as a result seemed 2 have mended/changed their ways for all involved, especially me. As well, it seemed that my husband realized that taking me and our relationship for granted didn’t serve out 2 be a good approach in order 2 maintain the longevity of our marriage.

But as of the recent events that have taken place, I felt I had 2 get out of there because I couldn’t take it anymore. And when I told my husband how I felt and that I wanted to move out and have our own place. He straight out declined, stating that he cannot leave his father behind in his mental condition. And that moving out is and never will be an option. And if that is something I can’t live with, then that is my problem. The only option he gave me was, that he would talk 2 his father about the situation how he talks, acts with me and request him not to do it again. That did not sound 2 promising to me and wasn’t going to do much if anything to resolve the problem based on many past experiences. His father does not change his ways and what my husband was offering me as he always does is just to live with the situation, which according to him is not that bad of a situation to begin with. As a result, I called my parents over and left the house with them. I am finding myself back in the same situation as last year, where I am considering ending this marriage, because I see no potential of it working out under the circumstances. The sad part in it all this is that my husband and I don’t have any real issues/problems in our relationship, apart from his parent’s constant interferences in our life.

His father hasn’t changed much. If anything, the situation has gotten bad from worse. His father’s mental/emotional health seems 2 have been deteriorating even further than before. And as a result of all that he was going through, was affecting the way he was behaving in general and in particular towards me.

Earlier in the year, the doctor diagnosed his symptoms 2 be that of bio-polar depression. He seemed 2 develop some sort of suicidal tendencies. He would threaten to enact on his impulses, by going out on the street and calling home stating that he was going 2 lie on the street, or jump in front of oncoming traffic in an attempt to end his life. He was always unsuccessful in his attempts, which he tried more than a couple of times. It seems his actions were done to draw attention to himself and be the object of pity in everyone’s eyes, especially my husband. As a result, my husband was made to feel indispensable; that his father at any point could do imminent harm to himself without having my husband by his side all the time. Like, when my husband went to travel for a couple or days or so due to work purposes, his father would seem to have a sudden case of panic attack. And he used the same tactic when the proposition of moving out recently came up, he went on to say that he would break all relations with his son and me if we were to move out. He wouldn’t help or support us in the process or ever in life. As a result applying emotional pressure tactic on my husband, thus crippling his ability to think for himself and be able 2 make his own life decisions.

Now I am left with contemplating the decision of taking steps to end my marriage for good. Any advice on my decision and the situation would be greatly appreciated!

Sincerely,

In-Law Trouble
  #42 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2006, 07:22 PM
sufferer's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 336
sufferer is on a distinguished road
Default listen to you mind not heart

I don't know where to start because i have been through a same kind of situation and whenever we had a argument i used to cool me down by putting the blame on his dad and sister but it got worse and worse.Wherever too much interferance fromthe in-laws,spousal relationship will become worse and worse and finally abusive(verbaly and mentaly if not physically).Again it can be the other way too, may be he will grow up and turn out to be a nice mature husband( this thing happened to my cousin sister in law).But whatever the decision you take(leave him or give him some time) please make sure not to have kids.After 3 year i finally came to know that its dead end and i had two kids by then i don't want this to happen to anybody.Initially i used to thing that timely relationships become strong but its also well said that "well begin is half done".I know i am making you confuse but thats all that i learnt from my 28 yrs experience.My last advise to you will be that be self dependent and don't get yourself insured.
  #43 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2006, 08:52 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 34
In-Law Trouble is on a distinguished road
Default

Sufferer,

Thanks for your reply to my post! It is supporting to have someone there to be able to talk to on the other end. Someone who can identify with your situation, and offer u some advice/suggestions on how to better deal with your current situation. I agree with what u say about the spousal relationship getting affected by the friction with the in-law's. Where one starts resorting to verbal let down's, emotional abuse and tempers can flare with calling each other names aswell as the respective family names. I think it is clear by now that my husband doesn't have a mature bone in his body. And that he will not change anytime soon if ever. And thank god i do not have any kids in the equation. I can't imagine how much worse the situation could be in that case. U have rightly said for a women to be financially independent. It is very important to stand on your own two feet, and not rely on a husband or father to support u through life. Cause if things don't work out u will be left all alone, to fend for yourself. So, it would be wise to learn to be self dependant in order to have a secured future for yourself.

Tell me some more about your own situation and that of your cousin sister in-law's. Your feedback about your personal experience would be of great help to me in dealing with my own situation.

Sincerely,

In-Law Trouble
  #44 (permalink)  
Old 12-17-2006, 09:58 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 34
In-Law Trouble is on a distinguished road
Question Does anyone know how to fix this?

Hi All,

I have a question for anyone who can help me fix this problem. My email and private messaging is not working on this website? Aswell, i set the option to instant email notification on my designated email account, when a new reply is posted on my thread. But i don't get any msg when a new reply is posted on my thread. How can i fix it? Or can a moderator fix it for me? Please let me know. Thanks!

In-Law Trouble
  #45 (permalink)  
Old 12-18-2006, 02:17 PM
sufferer's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 336
sufferer is on a distinguished road
Default further for"in law trouble"

I really don't know how and what to tell you.What i learnt from my 3 years of marriage can be summarized as
1)Don't go by the looks
2)If a guy is trying to be extra nice and always praises about himself it is something really really fishy
3)The more they talk about women libration and rights the more control freak they are.
4)The more they talk about their family's dignity the more cheap ,disgusting and disrespected their family is.(In his family abuses against women run in the family.His mom died at 57 after losing her mental balance because his dad used to beat her like animals.Its very common in his family ( father and other brothers)to call names to their respective wives that she is a slut who is brought not married and because she is a home maker she is a bastard eating for free.His sister who is really a slut no bdy dares to say anything to her)
5)The more they show that they are loyal and strong charactered its just the reverse.

And make sure don't keep yourself in dark that your husband is nice it is just his mean family the more you think this way the more deceitful you are towards yourself.Women have to keep in mind that its the same dirty bought up and dirty blood in him too.The only way that you can fit in such mean and cheap people's family is to be like them.Again to do that you have to kill your soul and have to maintain a goat's coat publicaly inspite of being a wolf which is not easy for normal people.And make sure never to trust them no matter what and how they portraits themselves.
Let me tell you a incidence.He called twice CAS on me and second time we were told to go to cheo's emergency room.While we were waiting for the doctor he asked me that he really did this blunder unconsiously ,he really loves me and at no cost want to be away from me and the kids.So one of us should tell the doctor that everything is fine now in order to avoid the further argument.I said okay tell me what will you say? He told me that he will say "doc,we were having an argument ,she told me to leave the house for the time being otherwise she will call cops ,the child was in her lap so just in rush i went to the police and told them that i am worried abt my kid's wellbeing and cops informed the CAS as its their duty"I agreed because it was the truth.When doctor came he said"WE were having a heated argument the child was in her lap and she shaked the baby badly so i ran to police station and filed a complaint against her"OOh God litening this i was really mad and i yelled its not true i didn't shake my baby ever".So we got the report that after child's check up nothing was found odd he was not under any distress no symptoms of shaking and mother never admitted that she shake the baby.Just think if that day i would have just let him say whatever ..........I don't even want to think about this.....Although report would have been same that child was okay but would havve been writted although mother kept quiet when father accussed her for shaking the baby.You could imagine the adverse effect on my custody battle....

I think its enough but you please make a right decision timely without kids because i still feel that eventually i will have my new partner and so do he .It will be only the kids who will lack their biological father.I know that i am being too traditional but thats the way i am.....Lets see what god has for me and my kids
  #46 (permalink)  
Old 12-22-2006, 07:30 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 34
In-Law Trouble is on a distinguished road
Lightbulb The sad truth about the Husband and the In-Law's

Sufferer,

Thanks for sharing your story with me. I feel for u and your kids. It is an awful situation to be in. I can relate with what u mean when u talk about the double standards in your spouse and in-law's. They depict themselves as one united front and that they r all perfect in themselves. And they have the perfect family and perfect lives. And whatever they do is right and can never do any wrong. According to them it is always the outside party/person who is responsible to tilt their perfectly balanced scales. This in fact is as far from reality as possible.

And I am also starting to see the similarity in my husband and his family. At the core he is a part of that family and thinks and reacts like them. And those are the people he will always be true to and stand with no matter what the situation, regardless what is at stake or who is right. They will always continue to be his world, forsaking all others. He will turn away from all his so called promises made to anyone outside his immediate family circle, as in front of them; they hold no meaning to him. He will side by them and try to manipulate u and the situation to suit their needs. In the meantime, making u look like u r the one always at fault with the wrong deeds/intentions. I am just thankful I discovered this out sooner than later, before it was too late for me and further damage was done.

In-Law Trouble
  #47 (permalink)  
Old 12-23-2006, 07:11 PM
sufferer's Avatar
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2006
Posts: 336
sufferer is on a distinguished road
Default Merry X-mas To All Of You

hi there,

I truely agree with you "in-law trouble" but if you think these kind of people are united or feel for their siblings and parents.......NO NO NOPE .They can show you that they do care for eachother and are dedicated but in reality their slogan is "I,ME,MYSELF"IF ever needed or when it comes to their respective lives they can kill their owns.
My husband never felt for his own kids.He always treated them a necessity in tax reduction and child tax benefit cheque .
Closed Thread


Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are On



All times are GMT -4. The time now is 05:52 PM.